My wife is obsessed with decluttering – now none of my possessions are safe

Telegraph

04-03-2025

Lately, a lot of our possessions at home have been recycled or simply dumped, each failing a simple test: 'Do you spark joy?'
My wife, you see, has recently fallen hard for decluttering lifestyle guru Marie Kondo, whose mantra this is, immediately followed by the injunction: 'Bin anything that doesn't.'
I have even been looking at myself quite closely recently and asking: 'Do I spark joy?'
The cult of Kondo
The Japanese writer and broadcaster's decluttering system consists of assessing whether your belongings make you experience tokimeku, (a fluttering or palpitating feeling) and discarding items that don't. Her books and Netflix television series are consumed by hundreds of millions of people.
Well, let's be honest: they are consumed by hundreds of millions of women – because the movement does seem to be primarily targetted at women; women whose precepts are then thrust upon their unwitting partners. And this is where I find myself now.
My wife, Sian, has been passing me bag after bag of stuff with instructions to take them to the dump or the charity shop, and her selections appear to have a utilitarian, even puritanical, bent. Items such as her Agent Provocateur underwear, for example, are now no longer giving her tokimeku (even if it's not inconceivable that they might still do this for me). Instead of heels, it's Birkenstocks that spark joy. Our bedroom cupboards increasingly resemble a branch of Muji.
And having done this to herself, she's now coming for me. This is particularly concerning because I suspect that, for Sian, the stuff we own that doesn't spark joy belongs (disproportionately) to me.
A victim of downsizing
We live in a pretty standard four-bed, 1930s semi in the north London suburbs, to which we downsized from a considerably larger Edwardian house in 2017, on the assumption that we were soon to become empty-nesters. But, eight years on, none of our children, now aged 19, 22 and 25, have yet found the impetus (or financial independence) to flee the nest permanently. So although we all broadly rub along OK, bonding over our cats and dogs and a shared fondness for cocktails and roast dinners, we are always at odds over storage space.
Cupboards, wardrobes and drawers have become battlegrounds that are fiercely fought over. Anyone departing, for a term of social studies, say, or two months backpacking in South America, will quickly find their space invaded by the possessions of others.
Sian has long fancied herself as my sartorial curator, and I am familiar with her close scrutiny of my outfit when we go out as a couple. But now she's bringing this scrutiny to bear on everything I own. And apparently intends to throw out a good deal of it.
My wife has worked in fashion for most of her adult life; as a professional buyer, she has an enduring compulsion to purchase clothes and shoes that are often (in my view, at least) identical to those she already owns. So, although I have far fewer possessions and have ceded the lion's share of our cupboard space to her, the cult of Kondo (she has now trained more than 900 KonMari consultants globally) means my stuff is still marked for the dump.
Holding the front line
Admittedly the tension between Sian and me in this sphere predates her interest in Kondo. For example, I have always had a fondness for dusty Victorian taxidermy, while Sian, it's fair to say, hasn't. Consequently, the stuffed badger that I brought to our marriage was quickly consigned to the attic, where he dwelt sadly in the dark for many years before I finally decided it was kinder to rehome him.
In fact, very few of the possessions I had accrued before I met my wife still survive today. Those that do have been relegated to the summerhouse, a space in our back garden that's overflowing with books, records and objets d'old fart – a delightful collection of clutter that I fear is set to become the new front line in our marital version of the culture wars.
Please pray for me – and my cherished stuff.
How to declutter without causing a divorce
Juliet Landau-Pope, the author of What's Your Excuse for not Clearing Your Clutter?, has created a list of guidelines for couples on how to declutter without arguing:
Clutter is never about just stuff – it may represent a complex cluster of emotions, including memories. So don't make assumptions about the value or meaning attached to things that seem worthless to you.
Clutter is a subjective concept and there's no universal standard. Be prepared to compromise and aim for progress rather than perfection.
Focus on positive goals, such as the benefits of making space or creating more order. Never talk about 'getting rid' or 'chucking out'. Instead, ask your partner if they're ready to 'let go'.
If your partner insists on keeping lots of souvenirs from the past, it might be worth suggesting other ways to cherish memories, such as taking photos.
Finding positives around parting with things can be motivating, particularly if you're donating to charities you support.
It takes years to accumulate belongings, so it may take more than one weekend to declutter – especially if you don't agree on what needs to go.
Collaboration rather than coercion is key to creating lasting change. If you don't share decision-making, you'll not only fuel arguments but the clutter will all pile up again.