My Mom Didn't Believe I Was ‘Really Trying' To Find Love. So She Took Things A Step Too Far.

Yahoo

5 hours ago

Dear Family Beef,
I (F/33) am single and have been since the end of my long-term college relationship. We were together for 5 years before calling it off in my mid-twenties and I've been on the apps, trying to meet people through friends and events ever since. I've had a few short-term relationships and maybe a handful of okay dates that went nowhere — but I haven't had someone I'd bring home to meet my family.
My mom has made no secret that she doesn't love this (and that she wishes I got married to my ex, despite our amicable mutual split). She and my father got together when they were in their early twenties. They met through mutual friends at work, had me and my brother within three years and are still happily married. She knows that I want a partner in life and frequently tells me I 'waited too long' and that I wasn't 'really trying' with all the different dating apps available. It hurt when she said that but I was never going to sit down and explain the depressing reality of getting a 'wyd' message from a 30-something on tinder to my 63-year-old mother. But now I feel like I don't have a choice.
I found out recently that she actually made a profile for me on Bumble! The profile itself isn't that bad— the photos are maybe a little old and not really what I would pick for myself and the other info is a little boring/bland. But I still feel really weird that she signed up for the service (a paid version too?!) without talking to me, that she dropped her own dating profile version of me in front of me and said 'see, it's not that hard' and that she seems so sure that I am the reason I am single still. It all turned into a bigger fight and now I have my brother and dad texting me and asking me when I'm going to make up with her.
We haven't spoken in a few days, while I figure out how to respond. She didn't try to hide the profile or anything or swipe or talk to anyone (thankfully!), but I feel like my mom doesn't understand my situation at all or how bad the apps can be and it makes me feel pathetic that she's trying to take my love life into her own hands.
I don't want to fight with her but I want her to know this isn't okay either and I'd really like her to be nicer to me about all of this because I've put a lot of time and therapy into learning to be happy with myself as a single person even as a I look for love. How do I put an end to this fight without letting her think this is okay?
— Mother Knows Best
Dear MKB,
Whether she meant well or not, your mom made a call that seriously overstepped (and, unsurprisingly, stepped in some shit in the process).
Parents meddling in their adult children's love life is a tale as old as time, but that doesn't make the situation any less maddening when it happens to you — and the feelings under the more basic beef seem like they run deeper than an off-brand profile of you making its way to an app.
The profile itself (and whatever made her think making it was a good idea) is one problem to address, but the seemingly frantic and overly-critical attitude toward your singleness, the way you're moving through our current dating environment and how that makes you feel is another.
From Critic To Accomplice
The first one is more cut-and-dry: It was wholly inappropriate for her to make a profile for you (functionally impersonating you?) without talking to you. It's weird and catfish-adjacent at best while also disrespecting your own dating efforts.
I can imagine that this could easily become a goofy story you tell at family functions in the future, if you can address the hurt feelings with love head-on. You can tell her that she took things a step too far and left you feeling disrespected, embarrassed and that you've been uncomfortable with the way she's been speaking about your love life.
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If she is not able to understand your point of view and agree to a more respectful, observing-only distance from your dating life, you may need to set some loving boundaries around her access to that part of your life. Maybe it's describing the impact and hurt feelings of the 'you waited too long' or 'you're not even trying' comments and being clear that those are not helpful.
'Setting boundaries means being clear about what support looks like and what just isn't helping,' Saba Harouni Lurie, marriage and family therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy, tells HuffPost. 'You can let them know that you appreciate them asking about how you're doing and managing in general, and let them know that you are doing your best to find a partner who is a good fit.'
And, it will also help to let her know the impact of her previous, unhelpful behavior. 'You can also explain that when they ask specifically about dating, it causes undue pressure,' Harouni Lurie says, 'because you are doing your best to navigate what is, in fact, really difficult.'
Naming your needs and being explicit about how your loved ones can be your allies and accomplices is also helpful.
'You can let them know what actually helps you, which is their encouragement to enjoy the present moment, their trust that you know what's best for yourself right now, and the patience that the right things take time,' Julie Nguyen, dating coach, matchmaker and dating expert at Hily, said. 'That way, you honor their concern but remind them that your path is yours to walk.'
Harouni Lurie added, 'Explicit details about what you need and want, as well as what isn't working for you, will probably be helpful for everyone involved.'
And, if you want, you can offer an olive branch: If she wants to pay for a more premium app account of your choosing, take her up on the offer (with the caveat that she backs off with the judgmental talk). If she wants to set you up on a date or connect you with someone (and you're cool with that), tell her she just has to run it by you in a specific way first.
Nguyen adds that relatives can focus their energy on being more encouraging of their single loved one and help relieve the pressure. 'The best support you can give is rooted in encouragement, humor, and sincere interest without any judgment,' Nguyen said. 'Avoid pressuring them to match out of desperation or because time is running out. Instead, offer lightness by laughing with them about the absurdities, listening when they share, and reminding them of their worth regardless of any relationship status.'
Help Her Understand How Dating Has Changed
Not trying to make more homework for you here, but your mom really might just not know what she doesn't know about modern dating.
(Quick note: Though we're talking about it at length, online dating is, of course, not the only way to date. There's an encouraging growth in daters seeking out more classic offline dating strategies like approaching people in public, going to events that are designed to get single people talking to one another and asking friends for an intentional, thoughtful fix-up.)
I have friends who, despite being in the online dating generation, still struggle to comprehend the ways the apps (among other things) have wholly disrupted dating because they're with someone they met in school or through work. I met my own partner on an app, and I write about relationships for a living — yet I still remain in awe at how the user experiences on many of those apps have become less pleasant to use, and the users become less pleasant to speak to.
So it could help to walk her through the basics of the apps, show her a few of the eye-roll-inducing screenshots you send your friends, or even share bits of this response with her if it might help illustrate it more clearly.
'Understanding this context can help when explaining the situation to concerned family members,' Harouni Lurie said. 'For older generations who met through mutual friends, work or shared activities, this environment can seem completely foreign and frankly, quite harsh. They're used to getting to know someone's personality, humor, and character before physical attraction became the primary filter.'
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We all know the classic issues: There's an overabundance of shallow choices made based on fairly quick aesthetic judgments. Real, whole people are distilled to a handful of photos and prompts. Some people are appallingly bad at flirting (or holding compelling conversations) over text and don't feel like it's worth the same effort as an IRL hang. Some people aren't so great at representing themselves or their needs accurately. Dating can feel like another boring thing you do on your phone to kill time instead of a sexy or fun opportunity to connect with another person.
'Online dating has seemingly become more difficult despite appearing more accessible than ever,' Harouni Lurie said. 'The core issue may be that we are overloaded with choices, and when you're presented with thousands of potential matches, the human brain actually becomes less satisfied with any single choice because there's always the nagging feeling that someone 'better' is just one swipe away.'
Harouni Lurie adds that this 'creates a throwaway culture around dating.' Where smaller-scale imperfections might be grounds for a knee-jerk dismissal or a 'swipe left' just because there's plenty of other profiles out there.
'It's like being at a buffet where you can't enjoy your plate because you're constantly eyeing what else is available,' she said.
And it also doesn't help that the apps are businesses built, to some extent, to retain customers. 'The apps themselves have also evolved to prioritize engagement over meaningful connections. They're designed to keep you swiping,' Harouni Lurie said. 'The algorithms often show you your most attractive matches first to get you hooked, and then show you less compatible profiles, with the hope of getting you to pay for premium features.'
Reaffirm Your Goals (In Romance And Self-Love)
Although the apps can feel discouraging, it helps to remember that there are still people at the end of those profiles earnestly looking for connection, too.
'Everyone who puts themselves out there on a dating app is looking for love and connection,' Nguyen said. 'When you view it from that function, the app becomes less about superficiality and more about shared human longing. This perspective can help add humanity back into dating apps.'
I'm not saying sink all your time into swiping — but consider it another option in your arsenal. My rule of thumb, as someone who had a positive app experience, is to only open them when you are feeling chatty, curious and engaged, and to avoid the more passive, dead-eye 'toilet-swiping' behavior. That helps keep the apps as a specific place you go to try and initiate connections instead of a glorified Candy Crush swipe-a-thon. If you notice that you've swiped on 12-15 people and remember negligible details about any of them, maybe give it a break.
And despite the frantic nature of folks like your mom, there is no rush here. It's never a bad time to take a pause, check in with yourself and recommit to what you want: If that's pursuing partnership, you can take the time to figure out which methods of meeting people and connecting feel best for you. If you're feeling fatigued with dating, you can honor that too.
It also may help your mom understand your situation more if you share your philosophy on being single — and continue doing that work of self-love for yourself. Let her know that while you want to find love, you never want that to eclipse loving yourself, or prioritizing finding 'anyone' over finding the right one. You're not in a game of musical chairs where you need to settle down when the music stops. The music isn't even stopping.
She may imagine that not 'ending up with someone' is an outcome that would be more devastating to you than it really would be — and the generational differences, the expectations she might've been raised with, may be the source of a lot of her anxiety on that end. It can help to remind her (and yourself) of all the things you love about your single life: your friends, the time you have with her and the rest of your family, your career or hobbies or adventures.
You may both agree and share the hope that you'll meet your future partner sooner than later (I'm rooting for you, too!), but you should never lose that grounded part of you that knows that you'll be OK with or without a plus one.
'Family members should remember that being in a relationship isn't inherently better than being single, and their loved one's worth isn't determined by their relationship status,' Harouni Lurie said. 'The goal should be supporting them in finding genuine happiness and connection, whatever that looks like for them.'
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