2 Ways Online Dating Advice Is Draining You, By A Psychologist
Somehow, we've all come to hate imperfections. The more we bury ourselves in the carefully curated worlds of influencers, we start to look down upon those around us who show any 'flaws.' This includes people who may have shown signs of interest in us, but the only problem is, they're not 'perfect.'
Because, if these online creators can seemingly have it all when it comes to love, what's holding us back? Often, it's our own unique circumstances that we fail to take into account.
Here are two ways relying on online dating advice may be hurting your chances of finding a stable relationship and making it work.
Influencer-driven dating advice offers actionable tips that could potentially help you in the dating world. They may present advice in videos like 'Twenty-five things I want to share on my twenty-fifth birthday,' 'If he does this, he is not the one for you,' or 'Get ready with me as I talk about the type of person you should never go out with.' The visual and spoken hooks are catchy enough for younger audiences to watch and relate to.
However, such content also often presents relationships in black-and-white terms: secure or toxic, green flag or red flag, high-value or low-value. While this kind of content can feel validating at times, it also creates unrealistic expectations.
Much like red-pill content for men, a 2024 study explains that there is a growing body of women who propagate dating strategies that fall under the branch of 'feminist realism.' They may see patriarchy as deeply rooted, so they advocate for women to learn to win within the system, instead of trying to change the whole system.
Researchers highlight how such content creators may use a specific aesthetic, such as the 'hot pink queen' aesthetic, to reinforce the idea that women should treat themselves like royalty and expect to be treated that way too.
'People find it anti-feminist that a man is taking care of a woman, but I think it's anti-feminist that a woman is literally doing everything, and on top of that, she also has to work. Like she has to take care of the children, of the home, she has to be a cook, nanny, cleaner, everything. Who is winning here?' says YouTuber and influencer TheWizardLiz, who speaks about the importance of receiving princess treatment and being in relationships with high-earning men.
While she and others recognize the invisible load that women carry in a relationship on top of the work they do outside of the home, it can also set certain expectations that men and women need to perform traditional roles, without which their relationship may be doomed. But it does not acknowledge the fact that the reality may, in fact, look different for all.
Moreover, when your favorite influencer opens up about being ghosted or cheated on, it can feel destabilizing to their audience who might wonder, 'If they can't make love work, what hope is there for anyone else?'
As a result, you retreat into a shell, convinced that unless someone ticks every box, they're not worth your time. It can give rise to 'checklist dating' wherein you only date partners based on a series of fixed traits or behaviors.
If they fail to meet all your criteria, you start wondering if something is wrong with you or the world or perhaps, both. You give up, thinking that it's probably not the right time for you to date or the right person has not found you yet. Or, maybe you need to be 'fully healed' before you meet them.
The problem with this mindset is that many single people become too scared to put themselves out there and try to make relationships work. By chasing the fantasy of a 'perfect partner,' they may be missing out on the messy, beautiful process of growing with someone in real time.
Social media can fuel your paranoia. The most viral dating content tends to be prescriptive and alarmist. This is because social media is algorithmic and it wants you to stay on the app as long as possible.
Think videos with hooks like: 'If he doesn't plan the second date in 24 hours, he's not serious,' or 'If she says this one phrase, she's gaslighting you.'
But these videos never give you the full context of what's happening. They're often based on personal experiences of the people narrating them or simply meant to be rage-bait. It's also tough to fit the nuances of relationships neatly into a 30-second video.
Over time, consuming this content conditions you to view relationships through a lens of suspicion and scarcity. You start watching for signs of manipulation everywhere. It becomes tough for you to open up to new people and new experiences, because you're solely focused on trying to figure out what their red flags are.
But unless you take a chance, you will never truly know. Don't ignore your intuition, but also don't go by what content creators advocate for, thinking that is the standard, because it's not.
No amount of TikTok therapy can eliminate the inherent risk of dating. The more you rely on external advice to manage your love life, the less confident you become in your own instincts.
Ultimately, excessive social media use can hurt your real-world romantic relationship, if you are in one. A 2021 study published in Social Science Computer Review shows that too much time on Instagram can lower relationship satisfaction, cause more fights and can even lead to addiction.
This may be because you feel jealous when you see your real-life partner liking someone else's photos or their past interactions with exes online. You may also feel more insecure and lonely if you're often competing for their time and attention due to their constant social media use.
And when you go back to various apps and creators to learn how to solve relationship problems, your anxiety rises. It's like a loop you cannot seem to escape.
So, start treating your dating life like an experience you get to live, rather than a formula you have to crack. It's one thing to use the Internet to solve day-to-day problems like fixing a tire. But if you start using it to fix cracks in your relationship, you might find yourself failing on more occasions than one.
Date intuitively, and trust your judgment when it comes to choosing potential partners. If that means you deal with heartbreak every once in a while, so be it.
Do you think you might be holding out for the 'perfect' partner? Take this science-backed test to find out: Sense Of Relational Entitlement Scale
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