Dear Dump Truck, My Mercedes is Already Stalling Due to Ethanol

India Today

a day ago

Say what you will about General Asim Munir, Pakistan's self-styled field marshal, but sophisticated he ain't. At a dinner hosted by overseas Pakistanis in Trump country, he dropped a truth bomb with all the finesse of a brick through a windscreen: "I'm going to use a crude analogy... India is a shiny Mercedes cruising on a highway like a Ferrari [sic], but we are a dump truck full of gravel. If the truck hits the car, who's the loser?"advertisementFull marks for honesty, zero for nuance. Pakistan, born of Partition's fevered nightmares, has been in an existential crisis since 1947. That's not a problem, even for Pakistan. A problem with no solution isn't a problem; it's just life. And life, for the dump truck, is gravel at best, garbage on a usual day.Munir's analogy nails it: India's the sleek Merc, Pakistan the creaky truck. No need to bore you with GDP stats, industrial output, or growth rates—the metaphor says it all.
At the same chicken dinner, Munir upped the ante, vowing to drag "half the world" down if India threatened Pakistan's existence. Rewind to his last diaspora meet in Islamabad, a budget knockoff of India's Pravasi Bharatiya Divas, where he didn't just finger India as the enemy; he singled out Hindus. From US soil, he threatened India with a thermonuclear event. He missed the mark here like his missiles did in May.Munir is a maulana and a hafiz, whose faith drives his doctrine and worldview. Doesn't he know Hindus prefer a thermal event exit? They call it cremation. Meanwhile, his own belief demands he goes down, stays under, till the last days. A thermonuclear event, a natural response, would ruin his theological aesthetic.But let's get back to the highway. Munir's convinced his gravel-laden truck will total our Mercedes. Cute. Does he think we need his help to turn our Merc into a Mayapuri scrapheap?Bhai, India's Merc is already coughing, spluttering on a mandatory 20% ethanol diet. And we're gunning for 27%! E10 engine be damned. If our honourable ministers decide to save sugarcane farmers, we salute and swig. Keep this up, and by 27% ethanol, our engine will be more pickled than Pachranga achar at a Panipat dhaba. Sabka saath, sabko ethanol. Soup bois-u, no choice-u.Why this kolaveri? Democracy, di. Unlike Pakistan, where generals call the shots, we Indians "choose" our government, who then make choices we never chose. We also choose the Opposition, who choose what to oppose. They've now "proven" with data — beyond doubt — that Karnataka's last Assembly election was stolen. Who but winners do such a thing? They've also convinced us the Election Commission can't be trusted with our votes. The EC, serenely indifferent, chugs along like a cow in Sadar Bazar's traffic. They say our courts run on a similar ethanol mix. Nobody cares for the credibility of India's institutions, including the institutions.advertisementEverything we once took pride in is adulterated. Milk, education, medicines, motivation, name it. Our competitive exams are 20% paper leaks, 20% cancelled tests, 10% scrapped results. That's 50% ethanol. Air, water, relationships, politics, contamination is king. The infrastructure is improving everywhere, but the quality is on the decline. The road paved yesterday has potholes today. Now extrapolate this freely and you will have the same concern. You get the drift. Ethanol comes in many flavours, and we've all tasted it.Yet, those in power swear we're living in the most environment-friendly era since we learnt to spell "environment". Nitin Gadkari is the highways minister, not the environment minister. Hardeep Puri is the petroleum minister, not the environment minister. Yet, both of them love environment and the environment minister is happy to see that it's a collective concern.Had the NDA government in Delhi been a diesel car, it would have been banished. Thankfully, it's a petrol car, which has a 15-year authorised run in Delhi and then can be extended every five years. The car is excellent, ethanol in the fuel blend has been increasing. That means 6% less mileage, even by government under-estimates. The damage to the engine is disputed. Experts differ, but the government insists all's well.advertisementSince Independence, we've been fed dreams of a greaseless future. No more palm-greasing for your rightful dues. Try getting anything done without the grease, though, and feel the friction. What started with rule-benders is now a must for the law-abider. Ease of Doing Business rankings climb, but the grease does the easing. PMs, CMs, DMs, everyone has tried but the system, built for the people, by the people, runs off the people.Munir's right: we're the Mercedes. But he hasn't heard the clatter we're hearing. Bhais and Benz, this Merc needs an overhaul. Fuel injectors clogged, seats torn, dashboard bonkers, windscreen fogged. The rearview mirror's clear, though, and it reads: Objects are closer than they appear. But it's not Munir's dump truck. That thing is miles behind and will most likely crumble under its own gravel long before it catches us.advertisementThe real threat isn't Munir's rickety rig. It's our own engine.We need a full service: new spares, clean fuel, a proper polish, fresh tyres, and electronics that work. Authentic. Genuine. Economists call it "reforms". I call it getting this bloody car back on the road before we stall and every other vehicle zooms past. Spit, shine, and a shot of pure octane, no more blended ethanol.(Kamlesh Singh, a columnist and satirist, is Tau of the popular Teen Taal podcast)- Ends(Views expressed in this opinion piece are those of the author)Tune InMust Watch