After husband gets sober, wife gets stuck in a funk
What to do?
HUSBAND ON EGGSHELLS
A.
There's a saying that some people in recovery communities use: Time takes time. Just as it took the time it's taken for you to find sobriety, and the changes sobriety has brought about in your life, it will take time for your wife to adjust to this new world.
Get Love Letters: The Newsletter
A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more.
Enter Email
Sign Up
Your suggestions of Al-Anon and therapy are good ones, but they have to be her choice. Even though you're changing for the better, there's probably a lot of old trauma that's coming up for your wife right now and maybe that's making it hard for her to find a path to happiness.
Advertisement
The best thing you can do right now is continue to work on your sobriety and continue to have open, non-prodding conversations with her about what's going on with you, with her, and what happened in the past. Let her feel her feelings and acknowledge them. If she wants to talk, listen without making suggestions. Also, remember that right now you may not be the person with whom she can discuss this journey.
Advertisement
Transformation didn't happen overnight for you, and it won't happen overnight for her. In short, give her time.
Q.
My partner and I have been invited to a couple of get-togethers with some folks, and they've asked us to host the next one. That's fine with us, except we live in an area where wildfires are a regular concern, and one of them is married to a smoker.
I don't want to be a bad host, but I don't want the smoking. Blame it on my probably irrational fear that they could start a major blaze, and honestly, the fact that I just don't want them smoking in my yard, around my child, by me.
What can I do to make sure they aren't smoking here? Is this even an acceptable request? Do I place blame on some crazy insurance company requirement? What can I do?
BURNING QUESTIONS, NOT HILLSIDES
A.
Unless your friends are Don and Betty Draper of 'Mad Men,' they shouldn't mind a no smoking request.
It's absolutely within your right to let folks know in advance that you have a smoke-free house and that includes the yard. You can cite the very real risk of wildfires and also the danger of secondhand smoke around your child, even outside. But also, it's your home and your yard.
People who smoke understand that even outside there are places where smoking doesn't fly. Enjoy your get-together!
Q.
I'm an avid gardener in a suburban neighborhood, and, in turn, I meet lots of neighbors. There's one lady who keeps stopping by with questions for her yard, which I'm happy to share. She asked if I would go with her to the local nursery to help her select ones for her garden bed, to which I agreed. She canceled at the last minute both times via text. No apologies were given.
Advertisement
Since then, she's knocked on my door and continues to text me with questions, without a please or thank you. Her last text said she was able to pick up the plants on a specific day but wasn't feeling well enough to plant them (hint hint).
All this after I've told her no that doesn't work for me.
My husband suggested quoting her my rate for services; however, I have no desire to communicate on any level with her. Is it rude to block her and ignore her?
GARDEN PLOT
A.
Yeah, it's a little rude. Sometimes blocking is the only recourse, though.
Before you do that, have you tried telling her directly that you can't be her garden go-to anymore because of the cancellations and the lack of appreciation? That may be opening up a can of worms, and not the kind that are good for soil aeration. But if you block her without a conversation, it's not like she doesn't know where you live.
Probably best to say, 'Enough is enough' and let nature run its course.
R. Eric Thomas can be reached at
.
Hashtags
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Yahoo
14 hours ago
- Yahoo
Nirali Sureshkumar Patel, Wife and Mother to 1-Year-Old Child, Named as Sole Canadian Killed in Air India Crash
Dr. Nirali Sureshkumar Patel was identified as the only Canadian national on the Air India Boeing 787-8 that crashed in India The 32-year-old dentist was a wife and mother to a 1-year-old Of the 242 people onboard, including 12 crew members and 230 passengers, there was only one survivor — a British national of Indian originThe only Canadian on board the Air India flight that killed all but one person has been identified. Dr. Nirali Sureshkumar Patel, a 32-year-old dentist from Mississauga, Ontario, was among the 241 victims aboard the Air India Boeing 787-8 Dreamliner aircraft. She is survived by her husband and their 1-year-old child, CTV News, National Post and CP 24 reported Thursday, June 12. The London-bound plane crashed in a residential area of India around 1:43 p.m. local time — just five minutes after taking off. 'It's absolutely shocking. There's no words in this grievance,' community leader Don Patel, told CTV News Toronto on Thursday. Don, who knew Nirali's family, said she had been in India for four or five days before making her return to Etobicoke. 'She was coming back. And we heard this tragic thing happened as soon as we wake up,' he said. Her husband, who declined to share his name publicly, reportedly said, 'That was my wife. I am not in a state to speak right now,' per the National Post. He and the child are reportedly in the process of traveling to India. 'I spoke to her brother very briefly this morning while we were trying to help and arrange their travel,' Don said of Nirali's family trying to get to India. 'We'll try to give them strength, whichever way we can. Sometimes words might not help them, but moral support or just showing (up) and being there with them gives them so much strength,' the family friend added. Ontario Premier Doug Ford shared his condolences on X. 'I'm saddened to learn that a Canadian from Mississauga, Ontario was among those lost in the tragic Air India crash near Ahmedabad. On behalf of the people of Ontario, I extend my deepest condolences to the families and loved ones of every victim. We are keeping you in our thoughts during this difficult time,' the Canadian politician wrote. There were 230 passengers and 12 crew on board the Boeing 787-8 aircraft. "The passengers comprised 169 Indian nationals, 53 British nationals, 7 Portuguese nationals and 1 Canadian national," the airline said on Thursday morning. All on board were thought to have been killed; however, it was later reported that the only survivor from the crash was "a British national of Indian origin." That person was identified by local reports as 40-year-old Vishwash Kumar Ramesh, who is currently hospitalized. He and his brother, Ajay Kumar Ramesh, 45, were in India to visit family and were traveling back to the U.K. together. Ajay is presumed dead. Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. Ramesh sustained 'impact injuries' to his chest, eyes and feet, but was alert enough to describe the crash from the hospital. 'Thirty seconds after takeoff, there was a loud noise and then the plane crashed,' he told The Hindustan Times from his hospital bed. 'It all happened so quickly." "When I got up, there were bodies all around me. I was scared. I stood up and ran," Ramesh continued. "There were pieces of the plane all around me. Someone grabbed hold of me and put me in an ambulance and brought me to the hospital." The cause of the crash remains under investigation. Read the original article on People
Boston Globe
2 days ago
- Boston Globe
Hoarder's friend wants to help but doesn't want to risk causing shame
Later I found out her therapist insisted she reach out to a friend for help. She also confessed she had no intention of letting me near her house. Her mother and daughter are quick to express their disgust at her 'problem,' making her shame worse. I feel nothing but compassion for my friend. I'd leave the problem alone except my friend does a fair amount of animal rescue, particularly cats and kittens. She said one of the rooms in her house is covered with uncleaned feces and mice droppings. I'm worried about her health. Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up Pushing my friend will only make her withdraw. I can't call authorities as we live in a small town, and she is a well-respected educator. Do you have any suggestions? Advertisement HOARDER'S FRIEND A. There are avenues for help but, as with any other compulsive behavior, she has to be willing to take a step toward them. You might give her the book 'Buried in Treasure: Help for Compulsive Acquiring, Saving and Hoarding' by David F. Tolin, Randy O. Frost, and Gail Steketee, and even ask if she'd be willing to do a 'book club' with you about it. Perhaps reading a chapter a month, or a week. You might also suggest she give herself the homework of discussing the chapter with her therapist. Advertisement Additionally, it may be time to reach out to someone else who has more extensive training. I know you don't want to expose her to public scrutiny or embarrassment, but the threat to her health and the health of her pets may necessitate bringing in some authorities. Shame can be managed, the loss of life can't, and many people who hoard live in places that pose extreme risk for fire and can trap themselves or firefighters inside. Your local or state health department will have resources for people who hoard. Many have so-called 'hoarding task forces' with connections to police, fire, and mental health support. Often, they're trained in sensitivity and discretion. I encourage you to reach out. Q. I have two casual friends who long ago moved to different parts of the country, but who have sent me messages every couple of months for many years. These are not friends I would ever visit or even call on the phone, and they seem to feel the same. They have written that they 'want to keep in touch,' yet their messages contain nothing more than a greeting followed by a perfunctory response, like 'been busy,' when I ask what they've been up to. I used to offer details about work, my hobbies, my spouse, and where I've traveled on vacations, without acknowledgment or reciprocation on their part. Frankly, I don't see this as keeping in touch at all. Would it be rude, after all these years, to stop writing them back? Advertisement WHY BOTHER A. Some people, especially in the age of a quick text message or email, are satisfied with a simple greeting. Others, like yourself (and me, frankly), want a little more substance in the correspondence. The sentiment is lovely, true, but if it's feeling more empty than fulfilling for you, it's fine to pivot. You have a few options. You can reply with equally perfunctory well-wishes, thereby managing your expectations of the friendship and avoiding resentment. You can, as you suggested, let it peter out by not replying. Or you can address it directly: 'I'd love to hear more about what's going on with you. Care to give me an update?' In answer to your question, I don't think it's especially rude to let the sporadic texts go unanswered, but it does leave a loose social thread. Better, sometimes, to say what's on your mind. Q. I have some advice for the person who took her mother-in-law on a girls trip and her mother-in-law complained the whole time ('Trip Gone Wrong'). My own MIL was very passive-aggressive in a similar way. I spent 35 years trying to please her and it never worked. Finally, in year 36, I decided to stop bending over backward trying to please her. I finally realized I had to accept the type of person she was, and I created an atmosphere of cordiality that worked for me. NEW PEACE A. This is so wise. We can't change others, but we can change how we respond to the actions of others. R. Eric Thomas can be reached at
Yahoo
2 days ago
- Yahoo
Child survivor of Gaza family strike heads to Italy
A 10-year-old Palestinian boy who survived an Israeli air strike in Gaza last month which killed his father and nine siblings was due to arrive in Italy Wednesday for treatment. Adam and his mother, paediatrician Alaa al-Najjar, were due to fly to Milan in northern Italy on Wednesday evening alongside his aunt and four cousins, Foreign Minister Antonio Tajani said. "Adam will arrive in Milan and will be admitted to the Niguarda (hospital), because he has multiple fractures and he will be treated there," Tajani told Rtl radio. A plane carrying Palestinians in need of medical care is scheduled to land at 7:30 pm (1730 GMT) at Milan's Linate airport, according to the foreign ministry. Adam had a hand amputated and suffered severe burns across his body following the strike on the family house in the city of Khan Yunis on May 23. His mother was at work when the bomb hit the house, killing nine of her children and injuring Adam and his father, doctor Hamdi al-Najjar, who died last week. Al-Najjar, who ran to the house to find her children charred beyond recognition, told Italy's Repubblica daily: "I remember everything. Every detail, every minute, every scream." "But when I remember it's too painful, so I try to keep my mind focused entirely on Adam," she said in an interview published Wednesday ahead of their arrival. Asked by his mother during the interview to describe his hopes, Adam said he wanted to "live in a beautiful place". "A beautiful place is a place where there are no bombs. In a beautiful place the houses are not broken and I go to school," he said, according to La Repubblica. "Schools have desks, the kids study their lessons but then they go play in the courtyard and nobody dies. "A beautiful place is where they operate on my arm and my arm works again. In a beautiful place my mother is not sad. They told me that Italy is a beautiful place." Al-Najjar said she has packed the Koran, their documents and Adam's clothes. "I am heartbroken. I am leaving behind everything that was important to me. My husband, my children, the hospital where I worked, my job, my patients," she said. "People are dying of hunger. If not of hunger, of bombs. We would just like to live in peace," she told the daily. The October 7, 2023 Hamas attack that triggered the war resulted in the deaths of 1,219 people on the Israeli side, mostly civilians, according to an AFP tally of official figures. The health ministry in Hamas-run Gaza says at least 54,981 people, the majority civilians, have been killed in the territory since the start of the war. The UN considers these figures reliable. ide/ar/giv
