Latest news with #Al-Anon
Chicago Tribune
2 days ago
- General
- Chicago Tribune
Asking Eric: She is my only sister
Dear Eric: My sister suffers from alcoholism and drug addiction from way back. I am the exact opposite of her in almost every way – rarely drink, never do drugs. She perceives me to be a 'goody-two-shoes,' and I was given a nickname of 'miss maturity' by her and other siblings. It was not a positive nickname. She is my only sister. I will do, and have done, anything I can think of to be her support. I want her in my life whatever that takes, whatever that means. She is currently in the hospital in very bad shape. I fear that she is at death's door. She will not answer my calls or texts (she does for others). I have sent texts to her apologizing for anything that upset her and remind her how much I love her, think about her and pray for her. One of my brothers says I should just let it go. Part of me agrees with that and I haven't reached out in a few weeks. The other part of me thinks I will deeply regret not reaching out to her before she passes, if she passes soon. I'm so torn up. It's very reflective of our relationship for the past 50 years. I'm always confused. I'm always torn up. I never have a good idea on what to do. Do you have any advice? – Scorned Sister Dear Sister: I'm sorry that your sister is struggling and I'm sorry that you're suffering, too. This difficult dynamic would be hard to navigate had it just popped up, but having to deal with it for 50 years must have been awful. Try to grant yourself some grace here. You've taken on a lot of the responsibility for fixing the relationship you have with your sister. This could simply be how your personalities work, but it has some of the hallmarks of a codependency that can develop in families where one or more members suffers from addiction. You're overcompensating for the things that your sister won't or can't give you. This isn't something wrong with you, but it is a dynamic that's not serving you. There is no crime in being a 'goody two-shoes' and yet her behavior has you apologizing. She likely has some old resentment against you that's not really about you. And so, unfortunately, it's also not something that you can solve for her. Putting some distance between you is a wise idea. You may be helped by Melody Beattie's book 'The Language of Letting Go' or by visiting an Al-Anon or SMART Family Recovery meeting to help process your feelings. Reach out to one of your brothers about arranging a visit with your sister, to put your mind and heart at ease. An in-person visit may not turn out to be all that you need, but it may help you to reframe your way of thinking about this relationship. You've done what you can – more than you can. You haven't failed your sister. Dear Eric: A couple of years ago I reconnected with a high school friend. We are in our 60s. We occasionally get together for coffee or dinner, but I find myself making excuses not to meet. This woman, I'll call her Sue, has never married, never had children, has no grandchildren and now has retired. She reaches out incessantly asking to go shopping, see a movie, dinner. Unfortunately, I find Sue very boring, I struggle trying to keep the conversation going but it's tough. I'm beginning to dread these get-togethers. I still work and if I have any time off, I'd rather spend it with my grandchildren. I have offered suggestions of local volunteer opportunities, but she doesn't seem interested. I'm on the verge of ghosting her but that's not my nature. Am I being too selfish? – Lousy Friend Dear Friend: I don't think you're being selfish, and I don't think you're the lousy friend you characterized yourself as. Sometimes people misalign. You're to be commended for trying to find creative ways to have meaningful interactions with Sue, i.e., the volunteering. And she's to be commended for reaching out and trying to maintain connections. That can be hard; friendship isn't always easy. Unfortunately, what you want and what she wants are diverging. You don't need to make yourself miserable. Sometimes, kind and direct is better than ghosting, however. Try telling Sue that you're not as available for social outings as you have been, because you want to spend time with your grandchildren and other parts of your life. Perhaps raise the possibility of volunteering together again, if you'd like. It's good to ask a friend for connection, and I hope Sue keeps reaching out to others and building her social network. But it's also fine to moderate how much connection you can give.
Boston Globe
2 days ago
- General
- Boston Globe
‘Goody-two-shoes' sister rejected by drug-addicted sibling
She is currently in the hospital in very bad shape. I fear that she is at death's door. She will not answer my calls or texts (she does for others). I have sent texts to her apologizing for anything that upset her and remind her how much I love her, think about her, and pray for her. Advertisement One of my brothers says I should just let it go. Part of me agrees with that and I haven't reached out in a few weeks. The other part of me thinks I will deeply regret not reaching out to her before she passes, if she passes soon. Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up I'm so torn up. It's very reflective of our relationship for the past 50 years. I'm always confused. I'm always torn up. I never have a good idea on what to do. Do you have any advice? SCORNED SISTER A. I'm sorry that your sister is struggling and I'm sorry that you're suffering, too. This difficult dynamic would be hard to navigate had it just popped up, but having to deal with it for 50 years must have been awful. Advertisement Try to grant yourself some grace here. You've taken on a lot of the responsibility for fixing the relationship you have with your sister. This could simply be how your personalities work, but it has some of the hallmarks of a codependency that can develop in families where one or more members suffers from addiction. You're overcompensating for the things that your sister won't or can't give you. This isn't something wrong with you, but it is a dynamic that's not serving you. There is no crime in being a 'goody two-shoes' and yet her behavior has you apologizing. She likely has some old resentment against you that's not really about you. And so, unfortunately, it's also not something that you can solve for her. Putting some distance between you is a wise idea. You may be helped by Melody Beattie's book 'The Language of Letting Go' or by visiting an Al-Anon or SMART Family Recovery meeting to help process your feelings. Reach out to one of your brothers about arranging a visit with your sister, to put your mind and heart at ease. An in-person visit may not turn out to be all that you need, but it may help you to reframe your way of thinking about this relationship. You've done what you can — more than you can. You haven't failed your sister. Q. A couple of years ago I reconnected with a high school friend. We are in our 60s. We occasionally get together for coffee or dinner, but I find myself making excuses not to meet. This woman, I'll call her Sue, has never married, never had children, has no grandchildren, and now has retired. She reaches out incessantly asking to go shopping, see a movie, dinner. Advertisement Unfortunately, I find Sue very boring, I struggle trying to keep the conversation going but it's tough. I'm beginning to dread these get-togethers. I still work and if I have any time off, I'd rather spend it with my grandchildren. I have offered suggestions of local volunteer opportunities, but she doesn't seem interested. I'm on the verge of ghosting her but that's not my nature. Am I being too selfish? LOUSY FRIEND A. I don't think you're being selfish, and I don't think you're the lousy friend you characterized yourself as. Sometimes people misalign. You're to be commended for trying to find creative ways to have meaningful interactions with Sue, i.e., the volunteering. And she's to be commended for reaching out and trying to maintain connections. That can be hard; friendship isn't always easy. Unfortunately, what you want and what she wants are diverging. You don't need to make yourself miserable. Sometimes, kind and direct is better than ghosting, however. Try telling Sue that you're not as available for social outings as you have been, because you want to spend time with your grandchildren and other parts of your life. Perhaps raise the possibility of volunteering together again, if you'd like. It's good to ask a friend for connection, and I hope Sue keeps reaching out to others and building her social network. But it's also fine to moderate how much connection you can give. R. Eric Thomas can be reached at .
Chicago Tribune
26-05-2025
- General
- Chicago Tribune
Asking Eric: I don't want smoking in or near my home
Dear Eric: I am a married man in my 60s and a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober for eight months. Prior to rehab I put my wonderful wife through hell for years. Not physically, but emotionally with my constant drunkenness. I am now in a great place, feeling and looking as good as ever, engaged and productive. Unfortunately, my wife is stuck in a funk. She is happy for me, but it hasn't resulted in her own happiness. I have suggested therapy and Al-Anon and she agrees but doesn't act on it. I am encouraging her but I am also on eggshells because I caused the problem in the first place and don't want to push too hard. What to do? – Husband on Eggshells Dear Husband: There's a saying that some people in recovery communities use: time takes time. Just as it took the time it's taken for you to find sobriety, and the changes sobriety has brought about in your life, it will take time for your wife to adjust to this new world. Your suggestions of Al-Anon and therapy are good ones, but they have to be her choice. Even though you're changing for the better, there's probably a lot of old trauma that's coming up for your wife right now and maybe that's making it hard for her to find a path to happiness. The best thing that you can do right now is to continue to work on your sobriety and continue to have open, non-prodding conversations with her about what's going on with you, with her and what happened in the past. Let her feel her feelings and acknowledge them. If she wants to talk, listen without making suggestions. Also, remember that right now you may not be the person with whom she can discuss this journey. Transformation didn't happen overnight for you, and it won't happen overnight for her. In short, give her time. Dear Eric: My partner and I have been invited to a couple of get-togethers with some folks, and they've asked us to host the next one. That's fine with us, except we live in an area where wildfires are a regular concern, and one of them is married to a smoker. I don't want to be a bad host, but I don't want the smoking. Blame it on my probably irrational fear that they could start a major blaze, and honestly, the fact that I just don't want them smoking in my yard, around my child, by me. What can I do to make sure they aren't smoking here? Is this even an acceptable request? Do I place blame on some crazy insurance company requirement? What can I do? – Burning Questions, Not Hillsides Dear Hillsides: Unless your friends are Don and Betty Draper of 'Mad Men,' they shouldn't mind a no smoking request. Know that it's absolutely within your right to let folks know in advance that you have a smoke-free house and that includes the yard. You can cite the very real risk of wildfires and also the danger of secondhand smoke around your child, even outside. But also, it's your home and your yard. People who smoke understand that even outside there are places where smoking doesn't fly. Enjoy your get-together! Dear Eric: I'm an avid gardener in a suburban neighborhood, and in turn, I meet lots of neighbors. There's one lady who keeps stopping by with questions for her yard, which I'm happy to share. However, she asked if I would go with her to the local nursery to help her select ones for her garden bed, to which I agreed. She canceled at the last minute both times via text. No apologies were given. Since then, she's knocked on my door and continues to text me with questions, without a please or thank you. Her last text said she was able to pick up the plants on a specific day but wasn't feeling well enough to plant them (hint hint). All this after I've told her no that doesn't work for me. My husband suggested quoting her my rate for services; however, I have no desire to communicate on any level with her. Is it rude to block her and ignore her? – Garden Plot Dear Garden: Yeah, it's a little rude. Sometimes blocking is the only recourse, though. Before you do that, though, have you tried telling her directly that you can't be her garden go-to anymore because of the cancellations and the lack of appreciation? That may be opening up a can of worms, and not the kind that are good for soil aeration. But if you block her without a conversation, it's not like she doesn't know where you live. Probably best to say, 'enough is enough' and let nature run its course.
Boston Globe
26-05-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
After husband gets sober, wife gets stuck in a funk
What to do? HUSBAND ON EGGSHELLS A. There's a saying that some people in recovery communities use: Time takes time. Just as it took the time it's taken for you to find sobriety, and the changes sobriety has brought about in your life, it will take time for your wife to adjust to this new world. Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up Your suggestions of Al-Anon and therapy are good ones, but they have to be her choice. Even though you're changing for the better, there's probably a lot of old trauma that's coming up for your wife right now and maybe that's making it hard for her to find a path to happiness. Advertisement The best thing you can do right now is continue to work on your sobriety and continue to have open, non-prodding conversations with her about what's going on with you, with her, and what happened in the past. Let her feel her feelings and acknowledge them. If she wants to talk, listen without making suggestions. Also, remember that right now you may not be the person with whom she can discuss this journey. Advertisement Transformation didn't happen overnight for you, and it won't happen overnight for her. In short, give her time. Q. My partner and I have been invited to a couple of get-togethers with some folks, and they've asked us to host the next one. That's fine with us, except we live in an area where wildfires are a regular concern, and one of them is married to a smoker. I don't want to be a bad host, but I don't want the smoking. Blame it on my probably irrational fear that they could start a major blaze, and honestly, the fact that I just don't want them smoking in my yard, around my child, by me. What can I do to make sure they aren't smoking here? Is this even an acceptable request? Do I place blame on some crazy insurance company requirement? What can I do? BURNING QUESTIONS, NOT HILLSIDES A. Unless your friends are Don and Betty Draper of 'Mad Men,' they shouldn't mind a no smoking request. It's absolutely within your right to let folks know in advance that you have a smoke-free house and that includes the yard. You can cite the very real risk of wildfires and also the danger of secondhand smoke around your child, even outside. But also, it's your home and your yard. People who smoke understand that even outside there are places where smoking doesn't fly. Enjoy your get-together! Q. I'm an avid gardener in a suburban neighborhood, and, in turn, I meet lots of neighbors. There's one lady who keeps stopping by with questions for her yard, which I'm happy to share. She asked if I would go with her to the local nursery to help her select ones for her garden bed, to which I agreed. She canceled at the last minute both times via text. No apologies were given. Advertisement Since then, she's knocked on my door and continues to text me with questions, without a please or thank you. Her last text said she was able to pick up the plants on a specific day but wasn't feeling well enough to plant them (hint hint). All this after I've told her no that doesn't work for me. My husband suggested quoting her my rate for services; however, I have no desire to communicate on any level with her. Is it rude to block her and ignore her? GARDEN PLOT A. Yeah, it's a little rude. Sometimes blocking is the only recourse, though. Before you do that, have you tried telling her directly that you can't be her garden go-to anymore because of the cancellations and the lack of appreciation? That may be opening up a can of worms, and not the kind that are good for soil aeration. But if you block her without a conversation, it's not like she doesn't know where you live. Probably best to say, 'Enough is enough' and let nature run its course. R. Eric Thomas can be reached at .
Daily Record
16-05-2025
- Daily Record
Dear Coleen: I've lost my alcoholic daughter to a vile abuser
"He wouldn't leave her alone and we went to the police for a harassment order, but she started seeing him again in secret." Dear Coleen: My daughter, 27, is seeing a chap who is eight years older, and who she once worked with. She moved in with him and on certain days his two daughters came to stay, and they adored her. At the start, he seemed a nice guy, but then he began to show his true colours. Over time, her dad and I, and her brothers, saw less and less of her and we discovered that when they'd both had alcohol they were toxic with each other. I picked her up at all hours to bring her home and, eventually, after he'd smashed up his Christmas tree and spat in her face, she came back home. However, he wouldn't leave her alone and we went to the police for a harassment order, but she started seeing him again in secret. He shows her no affection in public and she can't be with his children in his house, as their mum banned it. This man has alcohol issues and has a hold over her. She's unfit to work as am I because of all the stress. We were so close, but she's been an alcoholic since they met. She stopped for a few months when they split, but she's drinking non-stop now, using her benefit money. I've lost my only daughter and it's hard to sit back and let her live her life. How do I cope? Join the Daily Record WhatsApp community! Get the latest news sent straight to your messages by joining our WhatsApp community today. You'll receive daily updates on breaking news as well as the top headlines across Scotland. No one will be able to see who is signed up and no one can send messages except the Daily Record team. All you have to do is click here if you're on mobile, select 'Join Community' and you're in! If you're on a desktop, simply scan the QR code above with your phone and click 'Join Community'. We also treat our community members to special offers, promotions, and adverts from us and our partners. If you don't like our community, you can check out any time you like. To leave our community click on the name at the top of your screen and choose 'exit group'. If you're curious, you can read our Privacy Notice. Coleen says: I really feel for you, and as a mother myself I understand how hard it is to let go when she seems to be on a self-destruct mission. However, you have to bring the focus back to yourself. I think you'd benefit from therapy, so you can talk this out with someone who can help, and also talk to Al-Anon ( which offers brilliant support to anyone affected by someone else's drinking. The really difficult thing to accept when it comes to your daughter's drinking is that you can't fix things for her; she has to do that for herself, and she has to be ready and willing. Many recovering alcoholics describe having an epiphany or reaching rock bottom before realising they had to get sober. I hope she gets that wake-up call. What you can do is say that while you understand she's free to make own choices, you're worried about her and it's hard to be around her while she's living like this but you love her and will be here for her when she comes out of it. The danger in going on about how vile her boyfriend is you'll push her towards him and away from you. It's vital she feels she can come to you if she wants to leave. If you're concerned about abuse, contact Refuge, which has a 24-hour helpline (0808 2000 247). Get all the help and support you can, to feel stronger. It'll be good for you to talk to others who've been in your situation and come out the other side.
