Asking Eric: Grumpy old woman is ruining book club
Dear Eric: I belong to a small book club that now comprises six older women. All of us have been with the group for more than 30 years. For the most part, we all get along and enjoy the variety of books that are selected to be read each year. We have one member who is very opinionated about everything and does not hesitate to let her thoughts be known to us all.
Often, she snaps and uses a tone that is loud and unyielding to any other perspective or viewpoint. Some of these opinions are about what books should be selected for the year, but often times it's more trivial and can border on a personal attack. For years, we've all given her a pass, dismissing her as, 'it's just Suzy's way,' but most of the members are simply tired of these tirades. She reminds me of Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon in the movie, 'Grumpy Old Men.' Do you have any suggestions on how to handle a 'grumpy old woman'?
– Soon-to-Be Book Club Dropout
Dear Dropout: Thirty years of unyielding comments and personal attacks? I've dropped out of book clubs for far less. The food is never good? See ya later. The chairs are uncomfortable? Catch you on the flip side. So, I admire your perseverance with this Suzy situation. Wouldn't be me!
This may, as you said, be Suzy's way. But that doesn't mean she can't temper it. Your tolerance for these antics has changed, as is your right. And so, you can tell Suzy, kindly but squarely, that you find it hard to be in book club with these kinds of interjections. Give specific examples. Ask her if she can see how it makes for an uncomfortable experience and see if she'll make an adjustment.
If she doesn't, well, that's just Suzy's way. And your way can be straight out the door, to enjoy your book at home.
Dear Readers: On Jan. 12, I published a letter ('People Pleaser') from a first responder who was hesitant to start therapy for PTSD and marital issues because of anxiety about not doing therapy right. I wanted to share the following two responses to that letter in hopes that the letter writer, and anyone else struggling with the decision to get help, might find some hope and support. You are not alone.
Dear Eric: My son is a first responder and was having similar feelings. Fortunately, he came to me and mentioned it pretty casually and vaguely. I told him he should set up an appointment with his primary care physician just as a starting point. He did some diagnostic testing in the office, and he did have some PTSD and anxiety. I also suggest 'People Pleaser' could get tools to deal with these on-the-job stressors by starting there.
Secondly my son felt the same way of not wanting to speak with coworkers, friends or close family about how he was really feeling for fear of not being 'the best'. He inquired in a neighboring county and found first-responder group therapy where he didn't know anybody else. Just what the doctor ordered and he discovered he had many of the same thoughts and
concerns as the other individuals.
– Proud Firefighter Mom
Dear Mom: A primary care physician is a great, and confidential, place to start. Additionally, I love the suggestion of finding a support group, particularly one away from home so that any social anxieties aren't acting as deterrents.
Dear Eric: I'm a 22-year police veteran with a divorce under my belt, countless memories that I don't want and a concern for fellow first responders. My second wife and I nearly divorced about a year ago, and we are still working very hard to keep moving forward. I was in a terrible state myself, wondering how I could take care of my family if I wasn't around to do it anymore. I ended up finding an amazing marriage counselor. My wife found her own therapist, and I found one of my own. I finally discussed things about my past that I'd sworn I'd never talk about, and once the seal was broken, it became so much easier.
My advice to PP is to, of course, seek therapy, but he should find someone that has some experience with first responders. The letter writer should also be seeking marital counseling. Your agency may have a Peer Support Program with their EAP. TRUST the process. Medication may help in the short term. There are lots of options out there. The Concerns of Police Survivors can provide numerous free resources as well.
– Got Help
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Asking Eric: Most of the time, a crush is just a crush
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Asking Eric: In the age of Ozempic, how to address weight loss?
Dear Eric: A friend of mine is a lovely woman, and a real animal lover. The problem is that she lives near some woods and feeds the wild animals that come to her yard. I'm not talking about just putting out a bird feeder, but she feeds opossums, raccoons, deer and other creatures, and gets a lot of pleasure out of doing so. It is not recommended that anyone feed wild animals in this way. It is bad for the animals and for you, for lots of reasons. This week a black bear came up to her back door, putting herself and her neighbors at risk. (She thought it was cute.) What can I say to discourage her from doing this? She absolutely considers herself a saint for 'helping out God's creatures,' and she is not receptive to contrary suggestions. – Also an Animal Lover, But… Dear Animal Lover: Opossums, and raccoons and bears?! Oh my. You're correct that feeding wild animals is potentially quite dangerous for them and for your friend. The Department of Agriculture is quite clear on this. Wild animals have specialized diets and can die if they're fed the wrong foods. Wild animals who grow too accustomed to people are at risk of becoming too aggressive, resulting in injury to others, or too comfortable around moving vehicles, resulting in their own injury. In short, unless your friend is an expert on wildlife, she's not doing them the service she might think she is. You can direct her to the Department of Agriculture's Wildlife Services ( where they don't mince words about why this isn't a wise idea and give suggestions for ways of better living in harmony with wild animals. But if she's not receptive to contrary suggestions, chances are she's already heard what experts say and has decided to do what she wants anyway. This makes me sad for her and for the animals. It's best to enjoy viewing wildlife from a distance, so that they can stay wild and stay safe. Dear Eric: In the age of Ozempic weight loss, I have an etiquette question. When you see a friend who has lost so much weight, what is the proper thing to say? Saying, 'Wow, you look great' makes it sound like they didn't look good before. Yet, you can't ignore the change. I've been trying to come up with something appropriate, but I'm at a loss. – What to Say Dear What to Say: In general, it's best to not comment on other people's physical appearance, so I'd say yes, you can ignore the change. People's bodies change for all kinds of reasons – weight loss programs, medications, surgery, illness, exercise and more. There's no shame in looking different or wanting to look different. But the invitation for public commentary is often erroneously assumed. Unless someone says, 'I'm feeling great after taking Ozempic and I'm glad I did it,' or something like that, you don't need to comment. Dear Eric: I wanted to add a perspective to 'Sad Aunt', who felt great resentment at her nephews who were 'gatekeepers' when they were caring for their dying father. My grandmother was a very social and funny woman. She never met a stranger. When she was diagnosed with late-stage lung cancer, her decline was very surprising and very fast. My father and I flew in to help support, while she was in hospice at home (shoutout to the incredible team of hospice workers who cared for her). It was very shocking and painful for her, and suddenly, this woman who loved nothing more than having her home filled with as many people as possible for a 'sit and visit' wanted no one but her sons and grandchildren near her. My father was tasked with 'gatekeeping' and respecting her wishes. I knew many family members were not happy when he had to turn down phone calls and visits. End-of-life care is heartbreaking and exhausting. While it may seem, and may very possibly be, a hostile act from the brother's children, another strong possibility is that his children were rallying around him and giving the care he requested. Perhaps seeing that his children were able to care and reconnect so deeply after a fraught marriage and divorce is heartening. Maybe reaching out with gratitude to his children with compassion and for their care of your dear brother can help bridge a new relationship and together you can all learn and share new memories of your brother and create new bonds. – Most Grateful Granddaughter Dear Granddaughter: I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother and I appreciate this alternative perspective for the letter writer. Sometimes with familial questions that can't be answered, it's best to lead with empathy and assume the most generous explanation.
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7 days ago
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Asking Eric: Neighbors' trash habits cause a ruckus
Dear Eric: We live in a big city where houses are very close together. My neighbors keep their trash bins in the driveway close to my front and side doors. They have three dogs, and the bin banging begins early, sometimes before 7 in the morning. My living room and kitchen are right next to their driveway, so I hear banging from trash lids all day long from throwing dog waste and more. When I worked, I probably didn't notice as much, but I'm retired now, and it is really getting on my nerves. I want to ask them to please try to close the bin quietly instead of just letting the lids drop and bang, but my husband thinks they will retaliate and make it worse. We mostly have a good relationship with them, but I do not want to have this banging the rest of my life. Ideally, they should put their bins in the alley, but I would settle for quiet shutting as I guess it is convenient for them to keep close to my door. Your thoughts? — Quiet Please Quiet: If you have a mostly peaceable relationship with your neighbors, it doesn't seem likely that a request like this would escalate to retaliation. It's a reasonable ask and your solutions — either moving the bins or being more conscientious about shutting them — are seemingly easy to implement. Whether in a big city with its close proximities, or a remote piece of land where the nearest house is barely in view, or somewhere in between, we have to figure out how to live in harmony with those around us. As with any other relationship, one of the foundations of good neighborhood is communication. And that runs both ways. When you let them know what you're experiencing, you empower them to make a change. So, don't be afraid to speak up. Now, it's also true that some people are, well, jerks. And if that's the case and they set about making more noise, rather than less, then you've got a different issue. But I'm hoping conscientiousness wins out for your sake. Dear Eric: I have remained close with my college roommate, Chris, for 45 years. Life has not been easy for her due to various health issues, which I believe all stem from her unhealthy eating habits. About 10 years ago, after Chris was laid off from a job she loved and had worked at for years, she found herself in a financial bind. She came to stay with my family in another state for several months, rent free, while she looked for another job and an affordable apartment, neither of which panned out. After advising us that she was going to stop looking until she got back from a planned cruise, I finally had to ask her to leave when we realized we were being taken advantage of. Before Chris left, we paid off her car loan to help her along. Since then, Chris has continually called to ask for money because she knows I can afford to give it to her. She has asked for and been given money from other friends as well to help her out with her medical bills. The last time she called I finally put my foot down and told her I was not going to give her any more money. Now I find myself feeling guilty, but I am also feeling resentful. I do worry about Chris and what will happen to her. Am I wrong for feeling this way? — Guilty Friend Friend: It makes sense that you'd feel a complicated mix of emotions. You care about Chris — and have for decades — and you want what's best for her. You've also put a lot of energy into helping her out. But, from your telling, Chris isn't being active enough in finding solutions to her financial troubles. Or, at least, as active as you'd prefer. So, the guilt probably stems from the feeling that you can do more, even though you suspect that doing more for Chris might not solve the underlying issue. It's worth considering that Chris may have other struggles that are preventing her from getting back on her feet. This doesn't give her free license to treat you like an ATM, but perhaps thinking about her journey in a different way will help ease the resentment you're feeling. Now that you've drawn the line, you have an opportunity to redefine how your friendship works. You might talk with her about how those requests felt to you and how you're feeling now. The goal is to clear the air a bit so that, ideally, you can be there for each other as longtime friends and, potentially, you can provide support for Chris in ways that aren't monetary. (Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@ or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at 2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
