Dear Coleen: I'm left picking up the pieces when my husband's selfish ex lies
Last week, her mum was meant to pick her up for the weekend, but she called at the last minute to say she wasn't well and needed to postpone.
Dear Coleen
I have a stepdaughter, who's 14 and lives with her dad and me, as her mum is unreliable, irresponsible and constantly lets her down. It's a sad situation because, despite the way her mother behaves, my stepdaughter still worships her and hangs on her every word.
Last week, her mum was meant to pick her up for the weekend, but she called at the last minute to say she wasn't well and needed to postpone.
Naturally, my stepdaughter was very upset, then to add salt to the wound we saw her mum on Instagram, out drinking with friends and clearly in perfect health. I was so angry, not just because of the lies, but because she didn't stop to think that her daughter would see these posts and be devastated. Maybe she just didn't care. It felt like the final straw to me.
My stepdaughter was fine in the end with lots of TLC and we did a few fun things together over the weekend. But I wish my husband would be stronger with his ex. I get why he doesn't want to go there because she's difficult and he says his daughter is happy with us, which is the most important thing, and it's up to her mum to get herself together.
I hate the chaos, though, and we're always the ones cancelling plans when she lets her down. She only thinks of herself. Please advise.
Coleen says
She does sounds selfish and thoughtless, which must be hard on her daughter. I do understand your husband's attitude, though. Maybe it's more important to him to keep the peace or at least keep things as amicable as possible because he doesn't want to risk upsetting his daughter more or risk an argument over where she should live.
However, it is hard and frustrating for you as a stepparent, and it's horrible to see this child you care deeply about being hurt.
I think it's OK to let your husband know what it feels like for you, too, being at the mercy of this woman and her chaotic life. Maybe he needs a reminder of the impact on you and how much you do for them.
But it's wonderful that his daughter is living with you where she feels wanted and loved, and where she has so much more stability than she'd have with her own mum. You are obviously doing a great job and I think you just need to hear that sometimes.
And when your stepdaughter does go to stay with her mum, friends or grandparents, make sure you use the time to do something nice as a couple to get a proper break.
What I'm sure of is that your stepdaughter appreciates you and she'll appreciate you even more when she's a bit older and realises how much you've helped her.
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