Now that my kids are off to college, what's this empty nester dad to do?

CNN

2 days ago

This month, our twin boys — our only children — will fly the coop and head off to university. For the first time in 19 years, just two of us and our 12-pound Maltese Shih Tzu will be rattling around inside our family home.
The laughter and music that have echoed off the walls will be gone, and my wife and I will enter a new, uncertain phase of life. We will become empty nesters.
Admittedly, this is a rather stark interpretation of what empty nesting is going to be, but we hope we're well-prepared. We've been discussing our dreams for the future, exploring the restaurants that we never quite had time to frequent, and the pickleball paddles have been ordered. Still, it's been hard to ignore the daunting finality that has been creeping up on us for years. Empty nesting is a phrase that seems to be laden with heartache and trepidation.
With high school graduation approaching last May, we could feel an emotional knife twisting as our social media feeds filled with nostalgic images of the first day of kindergarten alongside the last day of 12th grade. We started becoming hyperaware of the imminent transition, my wife even describing a dagger of pain in the grocery store when she bought a packet of brown paper lunch bags for the last time.
It really does feel like only yesterday that our boys arrived together, their births announced to the world on air by my CNN International colleagues. Since then, we have anxiously wondered if the boys will be ready when it's time for them to take off on their own. But then I began wondering if the question should instead be, 'Are we ready?' Are we prepared for the transition back from 'parents' to 'couple'?
I often think of an old friend in London who raised five children over about 25 years. When the last one left, she said she turned to her husband and, for the first time in a quarter of a century, asked, 'So, how are you?'
We're obviously not the first generation to have experienced empty nesting, a concept reportedly coined in 1914 and popularized in the 1970s, but we may be the first generation to have openly talked about it.
Former first lady Michelle Obama recently discussed how she was using therapy to transition to a new phase of life after having 'launched' her daughters. Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay admitted that he was so sad when his son went off to university that he went into his son's bedroom and put on a pair of his underwear.
Ramsay's heartfelt honesty also shatters a myth about empty nesting that it's only moms who are emotional when the children leave. The British author Celia Dodd, who recently updated her 2011 book, 'The Empty Nest: How to Survive and Stay Close to Your Adult Child,' told me that dads often seem to be coping fine with the transition but might be struggling the most.
'I thought my husband was just being a heartless bastard,' she recalled of the time her eldest son left home. 'He was going, 'It's great, they'll have a great time.' Whereas in fact he was feeling just as sad as I did. I think a lot of men feel there's not space for them to talk about how they feel, because they're supporting their partner and they're supporting the kids.'
An understanding of how fathers might be affected in no way minimizes the attachment between mothers and their children, a bond that is (mostly) formed in the womb.
Other parents have told me to expect a multitude of emotions, but surely the most immediate will be the sense of loss in the weeks after departure. 'When empty nesters talk about the teenagers,' the comedian Jim Gaffigan quipped, 'they always sound like they're describing a hurricane: 'My wife and I thought we were prepared; we lost everything!''
Madonna wasn't quite so dramatic when she talked about her daughter Lourdes leaving, but she still compared it to losing an arm. Once you've come to terms with that, there is often an identity crisis to navigate.
As Dodd wrote in 'The Empty Nest,' 'To me, it was glaringly obvious that parting from a child who has been the centre of your life for twenty-odd years is a really big deal. Yet while new parents are bombarded with advice, empty nest parents are left to muddle through what is arguably the most challenging phase of parenting.'
She added, 'It is the flipside of the seismic emotional adjustment that new parents go through with the birth of their first baby. A return to life without children — while still being a parent — requires another massive readjustment of self and your place in the world.'
Since my parents' generation, there has been a revolution in family life. Dodd has observed that many modern-day parents are closer to their kids than they once were to their own parents. They're more involved in their lives, and some even want to be friends with them.
I'm immensely proud of my sons, and I'm excited for their future, and as hard as it will be to let go, I recognize that it's crucial for all of us to shift the dynamic in our family relationship. They know that we're always here if they need us, but we don't intend to check in every day to see how they're doing.
Perhaps the greatest concern is the increasing divorce rate among empty nesters. On a recent trip home to London, some friends of mine ran through the list of our peers who had recently been separated. It was anecdotal, but the handful of cases seemed alarmingly high.
Why can even seemingly rock-solid couples run into problems when it's just the two of them at home? 'It's hard to imagine what life will be like when there's just the two of you, and it's natural to wonder what on earth you'll find to talk about,' Dodd wrote.
'One mother sums it up: 'Suddenly you're on your own and you look at each other and realise you haven't paid much attention to each other for years.'
I want my kids to succeed and find their independence; the ultimate parental dream is to see our children soar. Equally, mine seem to recognize the void their departure will create — our sons have asked more than once if we'll be OK when they're gone. Such a level of emotional maturity signals to me that they'll be just fine on their own.
Having thought about this impending transition for many years, I no longer fear it; in fact, I'm learning to embrace it. Planning and preparation are important, as is the mindset — we shouldn't be 'filling a hole' but finding a purpose.
Intentional date nights are already back on the calendar, and my wife is excited to devote her full time to her art career. My creative space is the yard and garden, so finally the plants will have my full care and attention, and I'm one step closer to keeping the beehives I've been dreaming about. For the coming months, we've bought tickets to ghost tours and shows and even a gig in Canada, which seems very rock 'n' roll.
The oft-quoted translation that the Chinese symbol for crisis means both danger and opportunity may not be totally accurate, but I choose to believe it at this stage of my life.
It's not just our children who are gaining their independence; we're going to rediscover it, too.
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