Still pining for my old emotional-affair partner. Hax readers give advice.
Dear Carolyn: I miss my emotional-affair partner. Three years ago, I (married) was on a fellowship in another country and fell head-over-heels for another man. It never turned physical, but that's on him. I … desperately miss the emotional closeness, and I cannot let go of the desire to tell him everything.
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Yahoo
3 hours ago
- Yahoo
The 21-year-old male research assistant behind "mankeeping" on what the current discourse gets wrong
Men are feeling called out. Women are feeling fed up. But Stanford undergrad Dylan Vergara is just following the data. Since the term "mankeeping' was introduced in a 2024 research paper by Stanford University sociologist Angelica Ferrara, it has landed squarely in the 2025 zeitgeist. Referring to the emotional labor that women often do for their male partners, the concept has since polarized the sexes, sparked TikTok debates and inspired comment-section screeds. Think: wives who are their husbands' best friends, romantic partners and therapists. After learning about mankeeping from social media or buzzy articles, many women have felt seen, vindicated — finally, a word to describe the hard-to-quantify exhaustion of being in a heterosexual relationship! Many men, on the other hand, felt that they were being unfairly accused of over-burdening their female counterparts — or that normal relationship behavior was being vilified (comments sections offer evidence). For academics like Ferrara and her research assistant, Dylan Vergara, it's a big deal for their study to become part of the cultural conversation. But alongside the hype come myths and misunderstandings. We examined the comments from men (and women) and spoke to Vergara, a 21-year-old (male) Stanford student getting his bachelor's in political science and his master's in sociology, simultaneously, about the meaning of mankeeping. The meaning Mankeeping, as Vergara and his mentor defined it, is an outgrowth of a much older term in sociology: kinkeeping. That term was coined in 1985 by Carolyn Rosenthal, whose research showed that women were far more likely to do the largely 'invisible' labor of household chores, child care and simply keeping the family together and in touch with one another. It's a familiar phenomenon that hasn't gone away and, some research suggests, only intensified with COVID and remote work. Mankeeping is the work of the same nature that women do, but in support specifically of their husbands or male partners, rather than the whole family. Specifically, it's about the way that men '[rely] on women as their predominant source of emotional support, creating undue labor on the part of women,' Vergara tells Yahoo. He and Ferrara have interviewed nearly 100 men from around the world, 'and we see that men far and wide, when naming their top five sources of social and emotional support, label their wives, girlfriends or partners as their number one,' he says. And perhaps more importantly, 'a lot of times men don't even have a top five,' he adds. So instead of having that one friend you call about your romantic woes, that other you text whenever your boss is being difficult and a sibling you vent about your parents to, for many straight men, those people are all the same person: their female partner. 'There often comes an inflection point when I'm interviewing a man when they realize, 'Oh, wait, this is a lot'' that they're asking their female partners to do, says Vergara. Myth #1: Mankeeping is just describing a normal relationship It's a sentiment Vergara reports that he hears repeated frequently. 'We are not saying you shouldn't go to your partner for emotional support. Of course you should,' he says. Instead, the problem of mankeeping arises when men only talk vulnerably with their female partners. 'Because men just tend not to have as many people they can go to for support, it's creating a burden on the women in their lives, specifically,' says Vergara. 'Obviously, communication is key to a healthy relationship. But it's also important to ensure that you're not creating some extra labor on the part of the woman.' And it's not just the mankeeping paper that indicates it's good to have multiple people you can talk to — or that men tend to go to their partner for support first. The Survey Center on American Life found that 85% of married men go to their spouse for personal support before talking to any friends or relatives, compared to 72% of married women. And while emotional connection and sharing are part of good relationships, research suggests that at a certain point emotional labor can exhaust people and put them at greater risk of mental and physical health problems. Conversely, people with more close friends are less at risk for depression, multiple diseases and death, from any cause. In other words, there's evidence to suggest that more friends would be good for men, and distributing the emotional support would be good for their female counterparts. Myth #2: Mankeeping is the result of personal failings It's easy to blame the individual men for leaning too heavily on their female partners, but the researchers think the root cause of mankeeping lies beyond their control. 'We too often view isolation as something that's an individual's fault,' says Vergara. 'But it's more of a structural issue.' Mankeeping, he and Ferrara argue, is a result of the much-talked-about male loneliness epidemic. Vergara points out that there used to be many men-only social spaces: barbershops, men's clubs, pubs, fraternities. 'Although we don't endorse patriarchal structures that exclude women, the degradation of those places has had a key detrimental effect on men's ability to seek out friendships with other men,' he says. What was once a bustling social infrastructure for men's friendships has all but disappeared. 'That's led to this female curation of male social and emotional well-being,' says Vergara. The point then is that men's loneliness isn't simply an isolated failing of each guy, nor even of the male species as a whole. Ferrara and Vergara's research — which started by tracing male friendship and social habits throughout history — suggests that it 'affects women and the entire infrastructure of men and women together,' says Vergara. And, other scholars have argued, while women certainly can (and arguably should) care about men's loneliness problem, that doesn't mean they are responsible for fixing it. Myth #3: Men who respect women never mankeep Vergara is a student of feminist literature (among other things), and describes himself as 'very fortunate' to have grown up with parents who each have their own close social circles. Though he did feel lonely when he first arrived at Stanford, Vergara considers himself highly social and has a robust circle of friends. But after he and his mentor published their paper, one of Vergara's male friends called him out: 'He said, 'You also do mankeeping!'' recalls Vergara. The friend pointed out that Vergara told details of his life to a female friend he'd only known for six months that he'd never shared with him, a friend of several years. 'I was relying on my female friend to be that emotional support. I was being that guy,' says Vergara. The moment inspired Vergara to try to treat both his male and female friends better, by opening up more to the men in his life, and burdening the women less. How does he burden the women less? How does any man do it? There isn't a terribly specific prescription yet (though there are men's retreats, and lots of online support groups to sift through). But Vergara, personally, is trying to build a strong foundation. 'I'm trying to just watch myself for moments when I might be guilty of mankeeping,' he says. 'But the deeper strategy is to formulate and maintain close bonds with people other than your partner.' Vergara doesn't have a partner, but he's building the friend sector steadily and practicing being the first one to reach out to male friends in particular. 'I think that goes a long way to ensuring you have multiple pathways for emotional support, so you're not burdening one specific person. I think that's my path forward,' he says. Solve the daily Crossword
News24
6 hours ago
- News24
National Dialogue: we can't outsource democracy to the state
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Yahoo
6 hours ago
- Yahoo
The Unwritten Elevator Rules Everyone Breaks And Deserves Jail For
Elevators are a modern convenience that many people use daily, but they come with their own set of unspoken rules. These unwritten guidelines, often violated, can lead to awkward rides or even minor chaos. While no one is actually being jailed for elevator faux pas, breaking these rules might just earn you a few irritated glares or a reputation for being inconsiderate. Let's dive into 13 elevator blunders that everyone seems to make, yet wishes they wouldn't. 1. Holding The Door Open For Too Long When you hold the door open for a prolonged period, you're not just being considerate—you're also testing everyone's patience. Although it feels courteous to wait for someone rushing from down the hall, it can significantly delay everyone else. According to Dr. Martin Green from the Institute for Urban Studies, prolonged stops can disrupt the flow of building traffic and create unnecessary bottlenecks. People may start tapping their feet or giving you side-eye, silently urging you to let the elevator move along. If you anticipate someone will take more than a few seconds to reach the elevator, it might be best to let them catch the next ride. The elevator is a shared space, not your personal waiting room. While waiting for stragglers can feel like the right thing to do, remember that everyone has places to be. It's courteous to keep things moving smoothly for the benefit of everyone involved. Plus, those already on the elevator might be on tight schedules, and every second counts. Consider the balance between being polite and being practical—sometimes, letting the doors close is the kindest option for all. 2. Hijacking Personal Space The confines of an elevator can make personal space a rare commodity. However, the need for breathing room remains essential, even in these tight quarters. People tend to gravitate towards the corners or sides, instinctively creating as much space as possible. Yet, some people seem to forget this unwritten rule and stand uncomfortably close to others. The resulting discomfort can transform a short ride into a mini ordeal, with everyone trying to subtly shift away. It's beneficial to be mindful of where you position yourself, especially when the elevator isn't crowded. Staying aware of the space you and your belongings occupy can make the ride more comfortable for everyone. Even small adjustments, like holding your bag closer to your body, can make a significant difference. Remember, respecting personal space is just as crucial in an elevator as it is anywhere else. Be considerate so everyone can travel together peacefully. 3. Having Loud Conversations An elevator isn't the place for booming dialogues or heated debates. Despite this, some people treat the small space as their personal soundstage, making it difficult for others to enjoy a moment of peace. Dr. Susan Parker, a communications expert, points out that loud conversations in confined spaces can increase stress levels and make the environment feel more chaotic. The acoustics of an elevator amplify noise, making every word bounce back into the ears of unwilling listeners. Keeping your voice low ensures that everyone can ride in relative tranquility. When you engage in loud conversations, it might seem like no big deal to you, but your fellow riders would likely disagree. Whether discussing weekend plans or venting about work, keeping the volume down can prevent unwanted eavesdropping and irritation. It's a small consideration that goes a long way in maintaining a pleasant atmosphere. Nobody really wants to hear the intimate details of your life in a public setting. Keep it quiet, and everyone will thank you with their silence. 4. Facing The Wrong Way It might seem trivial, but facing the wrong direction in an elevator can unsettle the harmony of the ride. Most people automatically face the doors, providing a clear path for those entering and exiting. However, some people inexplicably choose to face the back or the sides, creating an awkward environment. This unintentional defiance of social norms can make others uncomfortable, unsure of where to stand or look. Sticking to the standard practice of facing forward keeps things simple and predictable. A consistent direction helps maintain a sense of order, especially when multiple people occupy the elevator. When everyone faces the same way, it reduces the chance of accidental collisions or uncomfortable eye contact. It's a subtle yet effective way to ensure everyone feels at ease during the short journey. Following this unspoken rule can make your ride more pleasant and less like a scene from a quirky sitcom. Do everyone a favor and face the doors—it's an easy way to avoid unnecessary awkwardness. 5. Pressing The Wrong Floor Button Whether accidental or absent-minded, pressing the wrong floor button can throw a wrench in everyone's plans. It might seem harmless at first, but every unnecessary stop adds time to the ride. Research by Dr. Helen Carter, a transportation efficiency specialist, indicates that even brief delays in elevator operations can accumulate, leading to significant time loss in busy buildings. Each extra floor means a longer ride for everyone, potentially making someone late for an important meeting or appointment. Pay attention to which button you press and double-check if you're unsure. An accidental press isn't the end of the world, but it's courteous to inform the other passengers so they know what to expect. A quick apology can go a long way in smoothing over any minor inconveniences. Mindful button pressing helps keep the elevator efficient, especially during peak hours. Everyone appreciates those who are considerate of their time, so try to be vigilant. After all, a smooth, uninterrupted ride benefits you too. 6. Blocking The Entrance Standing directly in front of the elevator doors is a surefire way to disrupt the flow of traffic. Yet, it's a common mistake people make, especially when the elevator is crowded or they are distracted. Blocking the entrance means others have to navigate around you, which can lead to unnecessary jostling. It's an inconvenience that can easily be avoided by stepping aside as soon as you enter. Letting people on and off smoothly keeps everything on track and reduces the chance of an awkward encounter. By being aware of your surroundings, you can make the process of getting in and out much more efficient. Upon entering, move to the side or the back to allow space for others. This small act of consideration can make a crowded elevator feel less chaotic. Remember, everyone's goal is to get where they're going with as little hassle as possible. Keeping the entrance clear is a simple yet effective way to contribute to that goal. 7. Avoiding Eye Contact Altogether While elevators can be awkward spaces, avoiding eye contact entirely can make them even more uncomfortable. It's natural to feel shy or reserved in close quarters, but deliberately looking away from everyone can create an unfriendly atmosphere. According to Dr. Emily Chen, a psychologist specializing in social interactions, occasional eye contact can enhance social cohesion and reduce tension in shared spaces. Even a brief, friendly nod can make a world of difference in dispelling the awkwardness. You don't need to engage in full-on conversations, but acknowledging each other's presence with a glance can make the ride more pleasant. An elevator ride is a shared experience, however brief it may be. By completely avoiding eye contact, you might unintentionally signal that you don't want to be part of that shared space. This can heighten the sense of isolation for everyone involved. It's possible to maintain a balance between excessive staring and awkward avoidance. A simple acknowledgment can turn a tense ride into a more relaxed one, fostering a sense of community rather than discomfort. 8. Lingering After Your Stop Once you've reached your destination, it's time to exit promptly to free up space for others. Some people linger in the elevator, organizing their belongings or taking a moment to check their phones, which can be frustrating for those waiting to get on or off. This delay can cause a ripple effect, slowing down everyone else's journey. It's a small inconvenience that can easily be avoided by thinking ahead and preparing to exit before the doors open. Your fellow passengers will appreciate not having to wait unnecessarily. A quick and efficient exit benefits everyone, maintaining the smooth flow of elevator traffic. By gathering your things as you near your floor, you're ready to step off without hesitation. This also reduces the chance of accidentally blocking someone else who's trying to exit. Being mindful of your surroundings and prepared for your stop is a small gesture that goes a long way. It's a courtesy that helps everyone get where they need to go swiftly and smoothly. 9. Blocking The Control Panel Standing in front of the control panel can be more than just a minor inconvenience. It can prevent others from selecting their floors, complicating what should be a straightforward process. If you're near the panel, be aware of those around you who might need access. Offering to press buttons for others demonstrates consideration and keeps the ride efficient. Blocking the panel may not seem like a big deal, but it can frustrate those who need to reach it. When you're aware of your surroundings, you can easily avoid this common mistake. Stepping aside or slightly shifting your position can make all the difference for someone needing to access the controls. It's a small act of kindness that can significantly enhance the group experience. Everyone appreciates when fellow passengers are considerate and mindful of shared spaces. Keeping the panel accessible ensures a smoother, more pleasant ride for everyone involved. 10. Assaulting People's Senses Elevators are confined spaces, and bringing along strong smells can significantly impact the experience for others. Whether it's a freshly cooked meal, overpowering perfume, or lingering gym odors, these scents can quickly become overwhelming. It's important to be mindful of how your scent might affect those around you, especially when they have no escape until they reach their floor. What you might consider a pleasant aroma could be an unpleasant assault on someone else's senses. Keep in mind that a neutral, scent-free environment is more comfortable for everyone. Being considerate about your scent can make a world of difference in shared spaces like elevators. If you have food or strong fragrances, consider alternatives like wrapping items securely or applying perfumes more lightly. This small adjustment can prevent discomfort and ensure everyone enjoys a more pleasant ride. Remember, what you bring into the elevator influences the shared experience, so aim for an environment that everyone can enjoy. A mindful approach to scents benefits all who share the space. 11. Taking An Elevator For Just One Floor Using the elevator for a single floor might seem convenient, but it's a decision that can inconvenience others in the building. This behavior is especially problematic during peak times when everyone's in a rush to reach their destinations. Opting for the stairs, when possible, can alleviate congestion and improve efficiency for everyone. It's also a healthy alternative that can provide a quick burst of exercise. By being considerate and choosing the stairs for short distances, you help maintain a smoother flow of elevator traffic. Choosing to walk up or down a single floor can make a significant impact in busy buildings. Elevators are often in high demand, and every unnecessary stop can contribute to delay and frustration. When you take the stairs, you're not just saving time for yourself—you're also freeing up space and time for others who may need it more. Consider the collective benefit of your decisions in these shared environments. A more streamlined elevator experience is something everyone can appreciate. 12. Ignoring Elevator Malfunctions When the elevator starts acting up, ignoring the issue can lead to bigger problems. Whether it's a shaky ride or a malfunctioning button, turning a blind eye might contribute to a larger breakdown later. Reporting issues ensures that maintenance can address them promptly, preventing potential delays or safety concerns. It's a responsibility that everyone shares to keep the elevator in good working order. If something seems off, don't hesitate to inform building management or maintenance staff. Addressing elevator problems as soon as they arise benefits everyone who uses the service. By taking action, you're helping prevent possible inconveniences or even accidents. It might seem like a hassle to report a small issue, but it can save a lot of trouble down the line. A proactive approach ensures the elevator remains a reliable and safe mode of transport for everyone. Taking a moment to report a problem contributes to a smoother, safer ride for all. 13. Forgetting Basic Etiquette Sometimes, the simplest rules are the easiest to forget in the hustle and bustle of daily life. Holding the door for others, letting people exit before entering, and saying a simple 'excuse me' can make a big difference. These small acts of courtesy contribute to a positive, cooperative atmosphere in shared spaces. The elevator is no exception, and a little politeness goes a long way in ensuring a smooth ride for everyone. Even a quick smile or a nod can change the tone of a journey. Basic etiquette is about respect and consideration for those around you. By adhering to these unwritten rules, you help create a more pleasant and efficient environment. It's worth taking a moment to remember that everyone is sharing the same space and has the same goal: reaching their destination smoothly. Acknowledging this shared experience with a bit of kindness can make a world of difference. Remember, it's the little moments of courtesy that can transform an ordinary elevator ride into a pleasant part of your day.
