2 Signs ‘Decision Fatigue' Is Killing Your Love Life, By A Psychologist

Forbes

a day ago

Modern dating should, for many reasons, be easier than it's ever been. With so many different places to find love, and so many tips and tricks to use while searching for it, intuition might lead you to believe it's a seamless process. Reality, however, consistently proves otherwise.
One of many reasons for this could be 'decision fatigue.' Derived from classic research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, this concept refers to the mental depletion we experience after making too many choices.
In the context of romance, decision fatigue arises when the seemingly convenient abundance of avenues for finding a partner start to, ironically, backfire.
Here's two signs that you could be experiencing this in your love life.
1. Avoidance Feels Easier Than Engagement
Whether you're conscious of it or not, even the most inconsequential decision demands a portion of your limited and invaluable cognitive resources. Each choice on what to eat, what to wear, how to spend your free time and who to spend it with costs something within you.
Psychologist Roy Baumeister, who popularized the term decision fatigue, explored this in a 2005 study. 'Has the proliferation of choice uniformly made life easier and better?' he asks.
Ultimately, according to his review of research, it hasn't. He explains, 'Choice, to the extent that it requires greater decision-making among options, can become burdensome and ultimately counterproductive.'
In this sense, when you've spent all day making decisions at work and at home, you're left with significantly less capacity for thoughtful engagement in other areas of life. In turn, we resort to using quick mental shortcuts in these secondary areas, like dating.
Given the rapid expansion and modernization of the dating pool and industry, our decisions are no longer limited to simply picking a good outfit and restaurant for a first date. We have to choose which dating app to use, which photos to upload and which of the countless people to 'swipe right' on.
Then, we still need to choose how to engage and connect with these potential partners. We have to write thoughtful text messages, anticipate all the possible responses we could receive, choose all the 'right' words, as well as still decide whether or not they're worth pursuing.
These various decisions, along with their varying outcomes, can become incredibly overwhelming in a cognitive sense. As a result, when the brain slowly but surely becomes depleted from them, it often convinces us to opt for less demanding actions — that is, inaction.
This exhaustion might lead you to leave texts unanswered for days, as the effort of choosing how to respond feels burdensome. You might delay confirming dates and times for dates simply due to how taxing they can feel. And sometimes, you might even ghost potential partners altogether.
Despite knowing how negatively your dodging and disengaging may come across as, it still beats the exhaustion that comes with decision-making. However, despite the energy you save, you also deny yourself the opportunity to find lasting love.
2. You Default To Impulsivity Instead Of Effort
The counter-tradeoff your brain might make in the face of decision fatigue is taking the path of least resistance. Rather than wasting precious time and energy on evaluating long-term goals or personal values, you might instead opt for what feels easiest or most immediately gratifying in the moment.
As 2018 research from the Journal of Health Psychology explains, it's not at all uncommon for decision fatigue to result in impulsivity. When avoiding a decision altogether isn't a feasible option, the next best shortcut would be to spend as little cognitive resources as humanly possible.
These efficient yet impulsive decisions can occur in various areas of one's dating life. You might 'swipe right' on people you're not all that interested in, simply due to how tiring it might be to try and find someone better. You might say 'yes' to a date you're not particularly keen to go on, just to avoid the effort of finding someone else, or even the effort to politely decline.
You might even go so far as to rekindle a relationship with an ex. As poorly as it ended, or even as incompatible as you were, their familiarity still demands less energy of you than starting fresh.
According to a 2023 study on consumer psychology, decision fatigue has long been observed to increase our reliance on 'default' options. In online shopping, for instance, consumers are known to pick options they see first — rather than scrolling through endless options that could potentially prove more worthwhile.
We make impulsive, energy-conserving choices like these each and every day. When deciding what to make for dinner, and what show to watch after, the rule of thumb often ends up being either picking what you see first, or what seems easiest.
When it comes to relationships, these impulsive defaults might mean settling for a partner who isn't right for you, or even slipping into old patterns because they demand less mental work. But, regardless of the exhaustion we avoid, we also put ourselves at risk of dissatisfaction and heartbreak later down the line.
How To Protect Your Love Life From 'Decision Fatigue'
You might be inclined to dismiss your decision fatigue as a minor inconvenience. Of course, everyone gets tired of making choices; you might tell yourself that you're just doing what everyone else is, or what's arguably best for you in the long run.
However, the stakes are higher when it comes to dating. Choosing when to engage or disengage and whether or not to commit aren't preferences that have short-lasting consequences. They can, and likely will, have tangible impacts on the trajectory of your relationships.
That said, if you've been leaning on shortcuts in your dating life, you're already on a good path. The strategy, however, shouldn't entail total avoidance or sheer impulsivity. Rather, you'll find more success in the middle ground: where structure reduces your cognitive load, but without stripping away your choices altogether.
If you want practical ways to land in that middle ground, consider:
If lasting love is really what you want, the process of searching for it will always involve choices. That part is, unfortunately, unavoidable. However, these decisions shouldn't be sapping you of your energy altogether. If you give your heart and your brain equal importance and rest throughout the process, you're more likely to find love that energizes you.
Is decision fatigue leading to self-sabotage in your love life? Take this science-backed test to find out: Relationship Sabotage Scale