The pub you have when you don't actually have a pub
What has this National government (forget the hangers on) done for the rural communities, who for seven decades have returned them to power more often than not?
When it comes to something really important in the countryside the answer is nothing.
As country pubs are closing and ripping the heart out of the small settlements they serve, MPs seem utterly unaware of the tragedy facing those who voted for them.
The "local" MP for Patearoa, the member for Waitaki, is never seen here but with an electorate spread from near Ashburton to not too far from Queenstown who can blame him.
All the same, when there's strife in a small town you would hope for some support from your elected representative.
The 138-year-old Patearoa pub closed eight months ago, but we are not alone and could take some consolation from realising there's always someone worse off than yourself.
In the UK there's one pub closing every day, 378 last year, and in the last 25 years 68,000 have closed, leaving 45,000 still operating.
It's no surprise, then, that from time to time when a pub is reopened there after being bought by the locals the story makes headlines. It happens in this country, too, but not often enough.
When the Patearoa pub closed we called a meeting and about 70 people, many who were seen at the pub only occasionally, turned up and the battle to raise funds to buy the pub was on.
We lost. There was no-one with a spare hundred thousand to throw into the kitty and the target was beyond us.
Gone was the meeting place where jokes were shared, lies were told and village gossip (most of it Trumpian inaccuracies) was spread like Covid.
We heard about a scheme the British Conservative government introduced in 2021 when a community ownership fund was established which gave grants of £40,000 or more to swell the fundraising. Sounds a bit like a caring Labour Party policy but Labour in the UK dropped the scheme when it came to power last year.
The chances of a New Zealand National-led government intent on destroying anything that smacks of "nice-to-haves" setting up a pub rescue fund seems remote.
But in the country, people soon stop moaning and get on with setting things right.
For the past three months or so there's been a once-a-week "pub" at the Patearoa Bowling Club. The legalities have been covered, qualified bar manager, open to club members (membership has increased) and signed-in guests, and good food available.
Many of us can walk there just like we did to the pub. There's often nibbles supplied by volunteers, the same people who do all the background stuff a publican has to do.
Thankfully, there's no music and no television and your drink costs a smidgen less than a real pub charges.
It's booming and it's great to see familiar faces, some unseen since the pub closed. The midwinter opening led to the installing of a top-rate wood burner, something never needed during the heat of the bowling season, and there's indoor bowls available.
In summer we'll intersperse a few ends on the green with a quiet drink.
So far, the club seems to be breaking even. Long may it last.
The crowd which turns up includes a few who weren't pub-goers and for newcomers it's the place to become part of the community, just like it was at the pub.
It's easy to understand now why locals at places like Macraes and St Bathans refused to let their pub close.
Maybe the bowls "pub" could revive the regular (and packed out) events at the old pub like the quizzes, opening of the fishing season awards night and the great Patearoa Bark Up, which saw farm dogs display their vocal skills.
But beneath the euphoria of the bowls "pub" success, those of us who are country pub aficionados know that we can never completely capture the true essence of the country pub.
Open every day for whoever happens to drop in or be passing by. The hub of activity where you dropped stuff off or picked stuff up. The chance of striking up a conversation with strangers and the comfort of knowing just where old Norm will be if you called in to his house and he wasn't home.
There's an election next year and the party which adds a Pub Community Ownership Fund to its platform may well see a surge in support in the rural polling booths.
Given this column's title, you may think I'm not being serious about the loss of a pub.
Well, I am. To prove it, if the Patearoa pub ever reopens, turn up and I'll shout for you.
— Jim Sullivan is a Patearoa writer.
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