My Extreme Postpartum Anxiety Convinced Me My Baby's Life Was in Danger—Here's What Helped

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'If I fall asleep, she'll die in the middle of the night.'
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'I must set the temperature to exactly 70 degrees, even though it's August and will cost a million dollars; if I don't, she will suffocate and die.'
'If I go to Target alone, my husband will drop her and she'll have brain damage.'
'Holding her is dangerous, because I could swipe her delicate, paper mâché-esque head against the doorway.'
'If I let anyone near her, they'll infect her with a brain-eating virus after ignoring my pleas to never kiss her on the mouth'
'Driving to the grocery store is out of the question—what if I get into a car accident and die, and she'll be left motherless?'
'If I sleep, that means she's growing up without me already. Even when I hold her, I miss her.'
Welcome to the inside of my emotionally feral postpartum brain, a place I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemies. Days after giving birth to my daughter this past summer, I was sucker-punched with seemingly endless waves of intense sadness and anxiety. 'Baby blues' is what the birthing classes warned us about: temporary heightened feelings likely caused by hormonal fluctuations post-child birth that effect up to 80 percent of new moms. How could the best thing to have ever happened to me also feel like the worst?
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'Ah, baby blues – sounds cute right? And honestly, who isn't a bit down after the massive physical journey your body takes? Baby blues are short, fleeting, physical responses to the experience of childbirth that impact somewhere between 50-80 percent of new moms,' Donna S. Sheperis, PhD and board certified telemental health provider, tells SheKnows.
However, she warns if 'intense' feelings are still there after a couple weeks, 'that is more likely to be postpartum depression.' Sheperis says. 'Moms may withdraw from people they love or have feelings of guilt or that they shouldn't be around anymore. Actively suicidal thoughts can occur. Relatedly, postpartum anxiety shows in those early weeks or months by an excessive amount of worry that includes racing and persistent thoughts that the baby isn't safe or that something bad will happen. These thoughts also create problems ranging from general feelings of restlessness all the way to panic.'
The fact that I was still experiencing ruthless anxiety about my daughter for weeks after she was born signaled to me that something wasn't right. I made an appointment with my therapist and took the call from my bed, with my baby sleeping right next to me in her bassinet. Telehealth therapy services like BetterHelp (which I've used for years) give people an accessible lifeline when they need help—fast.
check out betterhelp
I remember telling my therapist exactly what I was thinking, fear by fear, and as I said the words out loud I felt their power dissipate.
'I'm just so worried she'll get SIDS. We practice safe sleeping, we keep the room way too cold, and we don't smoke — but I'm still sticking my finger under her nostrils to make sure she's still breathing every thirty minutes. Even at night,' I confessed to her.
We unpackaged the fear of SIDS together. How statistically it was so, so unlikely. How I was already doing everything in my control to prevent it. How my lack of sleep was actually more dangerous than the fear that was keeping me awake. I'm 10 months postpartum, and I still have PPA — but it's more manageable now, thanks to therapy. I can talk myself out of intrusive thoughts and reason with myself. Therapy gives me the tools to do that.
The thing about becoming a parent, is that it's all so new — and it happens all at once. I read all the books and took all the classes, and I was still overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by how much effort it takes to care for a tiny human, as well as the psychological toll it would take on me. I knew I would love my baby, but I didn't realize that this kind of love could actually be painful because of how tremendous and all-encompassing it is. Plus, the hormones were making me feel irrational to the next level. I should be able to fall asleep without fearing for my daughter's life.
Therapy helped me feel less alone and guided me in how I processed all my new feelings.
Check out betterhelp
'Therapy can make a difference by addressing how your thoughts contribute to the experience. Therapy can normalize this part of life so that you don't feel alone in your experience as a mom to a new baby,' Sheperis tells SheKnows. 'Therapy provides the emotional support and validation to allow for the adjustment to adding a new baby to your life. Specifically we see therapy from a Cognitive Behavioral (CBT) or Interpersonal (IPT) approach being effective in helping moms address the depressive and anxious symptoms.'
It's actually (statistically) effective, too. 'Something helpful to note is that with treatment, about 80 percent of moms get better!' Sheperis notes.
BetterHelp has a lot of features that make therapy way more accessible for new mothers especially.
If I had to schedule an in-person appointment freshly postpartum, there is no way I would go. Aside from literally still wearing a diaper and refusing to put on real clothes, summoning the energy to leave the house was only reserved for my daughter's check-ups.
After taking a short questionnaire, you'll be matched with a therapist who meets your individualized needs. If that person doesn't work out, you can go back and choose another provider (and you can do this until you've found the right person for you). Once you've found a therapist you gel with, scheduling sessions is as easy as booking time on someone's Google calendar. No receptionist or complicated scheduling process included.
I used BetterHelp's chat feature a lot. It feels a lot like unloading via text message to a friend, but instead of a friend, it's someone who's trained to actually help you. The feature allows you to privately type out messages to your therapist, who has 24 hours to get back to you. I did this along with video sessions. Especially during bad mental health weeks, I'd message my therapist several times a day — it really felt like I had someone in my corner 24/7.
Classes like Setting Boundaries: The Power of the Door, Narcissistic Personality Disorder: When Self-Love Is Not Love, and Understanding and Living With Depressive Disorders are offered through BetterHelp's Classes feature. This isn't something I've personally tried, but my therapist has offered it to me and says it's helpful for many folks.
You can schedule sessions with your therapist via phone or video, as well as live chat, either on your desktop or with your phone via the BetterHelp app.
Since I already regularly go to therapy and have consistently for four years, I knew that it would be a part of my postpartum care practice. I made my first appointment with my therapist about a week and half after giving birth, and my provider was really flexible and worked around my wacky new life/schedule. But for folks who've never tried therapy and are wondering if it's for them after giving birth: I can just personally say it was critical for my own wellbeing as a new mom.
'Going back to the perfectly normal experience of the baby blues — if those feelings persist for more than a couple of weeks or if you begin to think about dying, suicide, or other harm, therapy is an important step,' Sheperis says. 'And don't forget that these symptoms may not show up for awhile. New moms may feel a sort of high postpartum due to the physical and emotional changes and their excitement at having a baby! There may be symptoms that pop up a couple of months after the birth and you may not think they have anything to do with having a baby!'
Sheperis adds, 'We may become more irritable or snap at loved ones. We may withdraw from things and people that usually make us happy. Therapy at this point is very successful at addressing the symptoms so they do not persist.'
I found that not only did therapy help me, but it helped me be more present with my daughter. Instead of just staring at her and crying while we both watch Ms. Rachel on YouTube and survive the day, I was able to take her to the park for a stroll. I smiled at her and we did tummy time. I sang a thousand variations of 'The Wheels on the Bus,' which she adores. Sheperis tells me that the reason for this change is that 'moms who are more mentally healthy have better physical and emotional bonding with their babies — so the health of the new mom helps the health and well being of baby as well.'
These days, the fears come and go, and the anxiety rarely gets so unruly. Will she fall and bruise herself as she learns to walk? Could happen. Will I miss her first words? Hopefully not, but I'll be around for others. Will she grow up and decide to go to college across the country and leave me forever? Maybe, but for now she's within arm's reach and I'm doing everything in my control to keep her safe and happy. When the anxieties spiral to another dimension, I have the tools I learned in therapy to reel 'em back to planet earth.
: PhD and board certified telemental health provider, professor and chair, Department of Counseling
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