As adults, making friends can be challenging. Here are 6 steps to help you find your squad

CBC

03-05-2025

For adults, making new friends can be an uphill battle.
Gone are the default spaces like school, extracurricular clubs or teams, student residence halls and other spots kids, teens and young adults naturally connect and make friends.
Adulthood puts up a host of challenges: physical distance from your best buds, for instance, limited time after work, family obligations and the common shrinking of social networks that comes with age. Then there's our growing tendency towards social isolation to consider, as some may simply have been raised to focus on career and family first, leaving friendships a distant concern.
It's understandable then that people may come to the sudden realization that years have passed since they've truly connected with friends. So, what's a grown-up seeking a squad or BFF to do?
Friendship coach and author Danielle Bayard Jackson, host of the female-focused podcast Friend Forward, and comedian and writer Aaron Karo, host of the male friendship podcast Man of the Year, spoke with Just Asking host Saroja Coelho to share advice about getting started.
Don't feel awkward, even if it's been a minute
Social circles naturally shift over time — people tend to replace about half their friends over a seven-year period — but even if it's been awhile, don't get bogged down by feeling embarrassed or awkward about it and just reach out, says Karo.
"Don't just wait around to get invited. You have to be doing the reaching out," he said from Los Angeles.
Flip your perspective
When one moves to a new community, the idea of building a completely new social circle from scratch can feel daunting. Jackson encourages ditching the mindset you're starting from behind the curve and opting for a positive one focused on confidence and purpose instead.
Kids often bond with classmates, for instance, yet "as an adult, you can choose ... and position yourself more strategically and intentionally to invite like-minded connections into your life," said Jackson.
Meet up in-person
The COVID-19 pandemic exacerbated some people's already growing proclivity to being homebodies and others have fallen out of practice gathering to socialize with friends.
This might be even more pronounced in young adults, for whom isolation may have been part of their formative high school or post-secondary experience.
An easy way to get yourself out there? Pick something you already enjoy — working out perhaps, walking the dog, crafting or playing a favourite game — and take it up a notch by finding a way to do that with other people or in public.
That might mean, for instance, joining an in-person chess club rather than only playing online matches or practicing yoga with others versus alone. By piggybacking on a preferred pastime, "it doesn't feel like so much of a heavy lift to go out and do all these things," Jackson said from Tampa, Fla.
She added that ongoing attendance is key.
"If you're going every Tuesday night or every first Thursday of the month, you're seeing the same faces. You're building a rapport and it gives a chance for something to build, as opposed to ... one-off singular events."
Be upfront about intentions
Conveying an interest to take a relationship further — from work colleague to friend, for example — can prove tricky if prospective pals make assumptions about your intentions. Jackson advises being clear from the get-go that it's friendship you're seeking.
"We have permission to tell people up front 'Hey, I like you… I'm trying to be intentional about connecting with new friends in this season of my life,'" she said.
"I don't think that makes you desperate. I think that comes across … [like] 'She knows what she wants and is confident.' And there's something about that that's contagious."
Proposing a group hang or extending an invite to a potential buddy along with their spouse can also do the trick, adds Karo.
When you invite a partner, "there's no danger of it being misinterpreted," he said.
"If you invite five people to go for a drink after work, it's pretty clear you're not making a pass at anybody. You're trying to become friends with them."
Mining acquaintances is perfectly acceptable
Perhaps you've already met and even spent time with someone with friend potential, having met them at a gathering with your spouse or in a wider group. Both Karo and Jackson encourage diving further into those existing connections.
"There's no reason why you can't become friends with your wife's friends' husbands," Karo noted.
"Choose a couple ... that you actually like and make a plan with them — without the women or without the partners."
When the goal is to make friends, Jackson added, who says you must always start at square one with completely new people?
"They're already in your life. So how can we build on that?"
Made a connection? Follow up and be strategic
After a genuine connection, forward momentum is important, according to Karo, though he adds becoming new besties will take time.
"If you meet someone that you're interested in romantically, you don't [say] 'I'll talk to them some other time'... You follow up right away," he noted, advising the same should be done with platonic relationships.
"It's tough, but we would say dip your toe in the pool slowly. You don't necessarily have to ask them about their deepest, darkest dreams [right away]. You wanna get to know them a little bit first before you dive deep."
Also, with time being a limited resource, Jackson favours a strategy of concentrating efforts on those with whom you'd like to deepen your acquaintance.
She recommends an approach that includes showing appreciation, reaching out to demonstrate your curiosity about the other person, being open and vulnerable, proving you're reliable and "clocking hours together."
For parents especially, having meaningful adult friendships is not only good for the grown-ups, it's healthy modelling for kids, Jackson added.