Can Opposite Parenting Styles Ruin a Friendship? Here's What Experts Say

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8 hours ago

What happens when a friend embraces all the basic qualities you value in a friendship, but they parent their kids completely differently than you do?
We typically choose friends who we share things in common with, who make us laugh, who we trust, and who we enjoy spending time with. But what happens when a friend embraces all the basic qualities you value in a friendship, but they parent their kids completely differently than you do?
For some folks, it's easy enough to ignore differences in parenting styles. In some cases, having a friend who parents differently than you do can be enriching and eye-opening. But other times, these differences end up feeling like dealbreakers, and become very difficult to ignore.
Whatever the case, navigating a friendship with different parenting styles can be super challenging. That's why we connected with experts to offer insights about how to manage.
Why Parenting Styles Feel Like Core Values
One of the reasons being friends with someone with a different parenting style than you can be challenging is because the way we parent can feel deeply tied to our core values as people.
There are various different types of parenting styles out there. Stricter parenting styles include authoritative or authoritarian styles. Looser, more touchy-feely styles include gentle parenting and freestyle parenting. Most parents don't necessarily identify with one style over another, but come to parent their kids based on past experiences, and a vision of how they want to care for their little ones—often before they even arrive.
'Even if you are not the type to label your parenting approach or cite specific theorists, chances are you did not stumble into your style by accident,' says Shainna Ali, PhD, mental health clinician and director at The Mental Wellness Practice. Most of us are intentional in our parenting styles, and whether we're fully conscious of every choice we make, our decisions are shaped through the lens of who we are, our cultures and socioeconomic background, what we've experienced, and what we believe, explains Dr. Ali.
Parenting values are simply, deeply personal, and tied closely to the way we were raised and how we were parented as kids, says Kim Rippy, LPC, CCTP-II, trauma and anxiety specialist, and practice owner at Keystone Therapy Group. 'Most parents have a couple things they have promised to never do/say to their children because they felt hurt or upset by it as a child.'
That's one of the reasons why it can sting so much when a friend parents in a very different way than we do. 'Parenting is about passing on desired values, morals, and cultural norms and challenging the undesired ones,' says Rippy. 'If a friend has a vastly different parenting style, it suggests their values, morals, and cultural norms are actually much different from your own.'
"Parenting is about passing on desired values, morals, and cultural norms and challenging the undesired ones. If a friend has a vastly different parenting style, it suggests their values, morals, and cultural norms are actually much different from your own."
Kim Rippy, LPC, CCTP-II
When Differences Cause Friction in Friendships
The way we parent is something that unfortunately gets scrutinized frequently. Family members, and even strangers, seem to have endless opinions about the best way to parent, and may not be shy about sharing these judgments with us. We may think our close friends are less likely to make these types of judgements, but this isn't always the case.
'There is a misconception that strangers are more likely to cross boundaries,' says Dr. Ali. 'In reality, it can be your closest friends who step over the line because they assume the closeness means conversations are unnecessary.'
For example, if a friend of yours offers your child a food item you prefer they don't eat, the line that's crossed isn't just that they offered this food to your child, but that they didn't communicate with you about what your preferences were, Dr. Ali says.
In Rippy's therapy practice, food is just one of several areas where her clients share that they experience parenting clashes with their friends. Screen time and discipline are other topics where she hears frequent stories of tension among friends.
'A big one that has come up recently feeds directly into respect, and how parents are disciplining their children who are acting rudely/disrespectfully or teaching their children about respecting others,' says Rippy. 'How we view and respect others is such a core value, that seeing a friend allow their children to act disrespectfully towards others can be very difficult for someone to accept without questioning.'
How Many Differences Are Too Many?
So, how do you know if the parenting differences you're seeing have crossed a line, or are simply too much?
Dr. Ali suggests that instead of counting your differences, consider the impact that the differences are having. 'One of the best ways to manage this is to proactively share your parenting values and boundaries,' she recommends. If you notice a concern, name it early on. 'Silence can be misread, and what feels like a boundary violation to you might feel unremarkable to someone else,' she says.
Many of the differences you may experience can be best managed with open and loving communication. 'For instance, if one family is screen-free and the other relies on tablets during dinner, is there room to compromise during shared meals or visits?,' Dr. Ali says.
It's also vital that you set and share your boundaries with your friend. 'You do not need to hand out a parenting manifesto, but your non-negotiables should be known (for example, 'Please do not physically discipline my child'),' says Dr. Ali. It's equally important to be aware of your friend's boundaries.
Looking at these attributes of a friendship—impact of differences, boundaries, and your ability to communicate with one another—can help you gauge how much of a problem these differences are.
Keeping The Friendship Alive
It's not realistic to think that friendships won't weather conflicts. 'Like any long-lasting relationship, friendship is not defined by a lack of conflict; it is shaped by how you move through those conflicts together,' Dr. Ali says.
Dr. Ali suggests trying to keep in mind that it's OK to have tension with a friend over parenting differences, as long as you and the friend are able to work through them in a healthy way. You can also consider if you value the friendship enough to want to do the work of communicating.
At times, too, differences in parenting styles can be beneficial for friendships, says Rippy. 'If I tend to be very strict with my children on house rules, and my friend is very relaxed, we can learn from each other to move somewhere in the middle,' she describes. 'I can learn to follow her lead by being relaxed as the children play together, and she can follow my lead by setting boundaries/expectations for safe, respectful play.'
When It's Time To Move On
Still, sometimes it becomes clear that it's time to move on from the friendship. Everyone will have a different take on what that is. Rippy says that for many parents, the line in the sand has to do with how the differences are impacting your kids.
'My focus as a therapist and a mother is to think about how the parenting or children's behaviors are negatively impacting others,' she says. For instance, if a friend chooses to feed their kids something different than you feed yours kids, that can be OK, as long as what your child is eating is something you're OK with. 'However, if a friend doesn't discipline her children and they're hitting my children or taking books/toys away from my children, that's no longer a safe family for my children to be around, and no longer a safe friendship for me to have,' she says.
In addition, these differences may be more of a problem if they tend to happen frequently, and not just once or twice. 'For some, a difference in parenting style is not just a one-time issue—it may be the final sign that the friendship has shifted,' Dr. Ali says. 'After reflecting, you may begin to notice more places where you no longer align.'
Eventually, too, you may realize that this person you once thought of as a friend simply doesn't fit that definition anymore. This may be a good time to move on, according to Dr. Ali.
'When conflicts around your children and family values feel heavy and repeated, when efforts to talk through it lead nowhere, and when the friendship starts to feel more draining than fulfilling—those are signs it may be time to let go,' Dr. Ali concludes.
Read the original article on Parents
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