Hear Me Out: Racism by a thousand microaggressions is a mixed-race kid's reality

Straits Times

4 days ago

Writer Sarah Stanley with her mother and father celebrating Christmas as a child. ST PHOTO: SARAH STANLEY
Hear Me Out: Racism by a thousand microaggressions is a mixed-race kid's reality
SINGAPORE – When I was 14, a schoolmate accused me of not being proud of my Indian heritage.
At the time, I was too young to unpack the deeper implications of that statement. I replayed the moment repeatedly, wondering what I had done – or failed to do – to merit the verdict.
Was it the times I chose to banter in Mandarin – my second language in school – during hangouts? Or that I voted to eat at a steamboat place instead of a prata restaurant? Or was it because I had never travelled to India before?
In my adolescence, such criticism provoked more annoyance than deep thought.
Today – 16 years after the fact – it seems more like my schoolmate's misconstrued observation of how mixed-race kids like myself negotiate identity in different social settings.
Academics often describe the relationship between race and identity as 'complex', and typically agree that while race is a social construct undetermined by biological factors, it has a great impact on identity formation – a core part of being human.
As a child of Indian-Chinese parentage, my upbringing was diverse.
I grew up spending Saturdays at my Indian grandmother's house watching SunTV – a Tamil-language entertainment television channel – and eating my fill of rasam, a South Indian soup-like dish, and basmati rice.
Sundays were spent at my Chinese grandmother's house quaffing liang cha, or herbal teas, and listening in on Hokkien conversations I could not fully understand.
Writer Sarah Stanley (second from left) celebrates Chinese New Year as a child at her maternal grandmother's house with her cousins.
ST PHOTO: COURTESY OF SARAH STANLEY
For most part, this duality shaped how I learnt to observe and adapt to different social settings. But the richness of my childhood was also plagued by unsolicited comments, jokes tinged with casual racism and compliments that came with a sting.
I've been called 'exotic' umpteen times in many ways – a backhanded compliment that exoticises difference while simultaneously 'othering' it.
I've been told I am 'fair' and asked whether my father is 'South or North Indian' – a thinly veiled inquiry into his skin colour.
Writer Sarah Stanley as a child with her father at the Singapore Zoo.
ST PHOTO: COURTESY OF SARAH STANLEY
I've heard far too many jokes – often in poor imitations of Chinese or Indian accents – followed by expectant stares, as if being mixed-race meant I should find these stereotypes amusing or at least familiar.
And I've had both Chinese and Indian acquaintances make disparaging remarks about each other's communities, assuming that I would side with them, or that my partial affiliation granted them permission to share these with me.
In these moments, I became acutely aware of how often mixed-race individuals are expected to either remain silent or become ambassadors for one half of their heritage – whichever half best suits the situation.
Dr Amy Lim, discipline lead for psychology at Murdoch University Singapore, explains that people's psychology 'equips us with a remarkable capacity for cognitive frame-switching'.
'We subconsciously pick up contextual cues that tell us which identity should be 'in use' at the moment, helping us behave appropriately and feel like we belong,' she says, adding that mixed-race individuals often engage in an ongoing negotiation of identities.
How biracial individuals perceive this tension – as conflicting or complementary – can shape confidence, creativity and our sense of belonging.
Having more than one identity may offer a buffer, helping us navigate and resist stereotypes with greater psychological flexibility.
Perhaps it was why in the recent General Election, when Singapore Democratic Party's (SDP) Gigene Wong called her running teammate Ariffin Sha 'keling kia' – now seen as a derogatory term used to demean people of Indian descent – I was outraged, but not overly offended.
Dr Lim explains that stereotype threat – the fear of confirming a negative stereotype about your group – often impacts how you respond to racism.
'By shifting our self-salience towards an identity associated with more positive stereotypes, we activate a different set of expectations and self-beliefs,' she says.
In other words, mixed-race individuals may instinctively lean on one part of their identity to cope with racial bias directed at another.
In some ways, it explains how in that moment during the SDP rally, I may have subconsciously toggled between my Indian and Chinese identities – landing somewhere between empathy and indignation.
People often say being biracial is an advantage. And while there is truth in that, my reality as a mixed-race millennial feels more complicated.
I straddle two generations – the younger, increasingly vocal about the harms of casual racism; and the older, who grew up in a time when such linguistic nuances were rarely scrutinised.
In mid-June, I turn 30 and at this point in my life, facing racial microaggressions is less of a struggle and more a daily exercise in empathy and calling out what needs to change.
I don't laugh off racist jokes as often as I used to. And when the situation calls for it, I call out racist remarks out for what they are, even among friends.
So, no, I was not ashamed of my Indian heritage at 14. I was simply trying to make room for all the parts of me in a world that kept asking me to pick a side.
I have come to see that many of the comments and assumptions I faced weren't really about me – they were about others trying to make sense of difference using limited, often racialised frames.
I don't think I ever really picked a side. And now, I don't think I ever will.
Hear Me Out is a new series where young journalists (over)share on topics ranging from navigating friendships to self-loathing, and the occasional intrusive thought.
Check out the Headstart chatbot for answers to your questions on careers and work trends.