Dear Richard Madeley: I'm worried my boyfriend is trying to turn me into his ex
My boyfriend has bought me some lovely gifts this year – clothes and jewellery – and I'm very grateful. Except I recently tracked down the big love-of-his-life ex on social media (it took some doing, as he's not very active and they are not connected, plus I only knew her first name), and the things he has bought me are very much in her taste. It's not that he's bought the same stuff again, more of a general vibe.
Before I made the connection, I thought it all suited me, though the ex and I are not very alike. But inevitably I'm worried that he's trying to shape me to be more like her. I'd like to mention it – but of course I wouldn't know about it if I hadn't been cyberstalking his ex. Any advice?
– G, via telegraph.co.uk
Dear G,
I'm going to be honest. I think your behaviour is definitely on the creepy side, and now you're reaping what you've sowed. You need to examine your actions, learn from this whole episode and step back – otherwise I see trouble ahead for you in future close relationships.
Look. It's not as if you stumbled accidentally over this personal, buried-in-the-past, mostly irrelevant information. By your own admission, you really had to go digging. (You only had your boyfriend's ex's first name to work with – how long were you online for, G? Hours?)
I can understand your curiosity to know more about his former significant other – so why didn't you just ask? Why go snooping and ferreting around behind his back? You're right – it is cyberstalking. And if your boyfriend discovers that's what you've been up to, comparing gifts and drawing suspicious, quasi-paranoid conclusions, he's likely to be pretty spooked. I know I would be.
So what if he has an eye for a particular type of gift? It doesn't imply anything odd or suspicious. It just reveals an underlying personal taste. It's not in the least sinister, G.
Meanwhile, it's not what you've gone looking for (the information you uncovered is, by any reckoning, trivial); it's why. To me, G, it speaks of controlling, even obsessive behaviour. But I'm glad you've written, because I can reply frankly and honestly and, I promise you, with your best interests at heart.
So, no. Do not disclose your cyberstalking to your boyfriend, and resolve never to do anything like it again. I wrote of 'controlling' behaviour. Well, here's a more positive line on that for you: discover the power of self-control. Find the strength to leave the (innocent) pasts of others undisturbed. No good comes from that kind of pointless prying – as I think you're beginning to appreciate, G.
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