A beautiful bond: Loss, love and blessings on Father's Day

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a day ago

When I was 18-years-old, newly graduated from high school and excited about going to Furman University in Greenville, South Carolina, we got the news. My healthy, fit daddy was diagnosed with stage four lymphoma. The prognosis was not good. Though it has been 52 years since that summer, I still recall vividly how conflicted I was about even leaving home for college, something I had aspired to and my mother insisted upon.
By the grace of God, the stamina of my father, and the remarkably good care he received those long years ago from my mother and his medical team, he ended up living well beyond my college years into his 80s. His beloved oncologist called it a miracle, and so did we.
What I am realizing as this Father's Day approaches is that every child is not so fortunate as was I. There are countless children, my own father included, who lose a father way too early and have to learn to live with a void that is at best painful. That pain is intensified when the loss is traumatic, as is true for the children of the two fathers who were killed in our community during the horrific April 17 shooting at FSU.
Like Mother's Day, Father's Day is not as simple as it seems. On this day set aside to honor and remember our fathers, some of us recall a father who grounded us, gave us a sense of security, and encouraged us to dream dreams and become our best selves.
Others of us remember a father who, for whatever reason, could not or cannot bless us, the absent father, either emotionally or physically, the one we longed or long to impress, but it seems we never could. Still others remember a father who was somewhere in-between. And some of us sadly honor fathers who were cruelly taken from us.
What we have learned about the fathers who were tragically killed at FSU, is that they both were fathers who blessed their children. My friend, Robert Morales, was thrilled from the moment that he learned his wife, Betty, was pregnant. And when the sonogram indicated that they were having a girl, his joy intensified.
The bond between Robert and his lovely daughter, Alicia, could not be stronger or sweeter. Without a hint of jealousy, Betty says that their relationship is special and deep. When his beloved daughter, Alicia was born a uniquely beautiful bond was formed between them.
He was the father that every child deserves: safe and steady, endlessly kind, deeply understanding, unshakably encouraging, and delightfully funny. Alicia was Robert's greatest pride.
I am reminded of author, Sam Keene, telling about his father who took great delight in his children. As he was visiting with his father just before the older man died, he had occasion to look back over their life together and to thank his father for the excellent job he had done.
He told his father, "You have always been there whenever any of us children needed you. And across the years, you have given us the best single gift that any parent could give, you took delight in us. In all sorts of ways you let us know that you were glad we were here, that we had value in your eyes, that our presence was a joy and not a burden to you." And that sense of delight in her was what Alicia felt from her father.
Fathers delighting in their children is a tremendous and lasting gift. Theories abound about the importance of the father's blessing and the life-long yearning for acceptance that some experience in its absence.
It has been a joy to me to see the engagement of the young fathers in our family and in the families of their friends, regarding the care of their children. Far more engaged than many fathers of my own generation, it seems to be more socially expected and endorsed for fathers today to be as attentive as mothers.
An opinion column in the New York Times on April 30, 2025, affirms this engagement of fathers. Titled 'A Great Leap Forward for American Fathers,' the author states that American dads are still spending more time with their children than they were pre-COVID. Citing data from the University of Kansas Care Board, 'fathers of children ages 10 and under were doing about seven minutes more per weekday and 18 minutes more per weekend day, for a total of 1.2 hours more child care a week.'
The National Institute of Health reports that involved fathers have a significant positive impact on children's development, including higher academic achievement, better social skills, fewer behavioral problems, and improved emotional well-being.
In studies measuring father involvement in childcare activities, play and affection, household chores, and early learning activities, the positive impact on children, mothers, as well as fathers, is significant.
Years ago, when my oldest grandchild was only 4, she had her first ballet recital. Her classmates, ranging in age from 3 to 5, were precious in their lime green leotards and feathered tutus. During the grand finale, all the dancers were on the stage for a final bow. Each carried their floral bouquet except for one young child who was fighting back the tears and looking bereft.
I am certain I was not alone in wishing I had a bouquet to give her. In what seemed like an eternity, but was in fact only a few moments, a man hurried down the aisle and made his way to the stage, calling to his daughter. He handed her a bouquet, and she hugged him fiercely. The audience cheered with relief. It was a poignant moment of a father blessing his daughter.
It is my prayer that we all might be sensitive to the many ways that Father's Day is experienced and especially sensitive to those who are missing a father. May we all be willing to be a blessing to the children in our lives and may all fathers feel honored on their special day.
Happy Father's Day!
The Rev. Candace McKibben is an ordained minister and pastor of Tallahassee Fellowship.
This article originally appeared on Tallahassee Democrat: A Father's blessing: Managing loss and love on Father's Day