Bipolar Disorder and the Battle for Control
Although that description may seem fitting for someone with bipolar disorder, having a more lackadaisical approach to life has often clashed with the ways I try to manage my condition.
Control was the major theme of my childhood. I was raised in a very strict Christian household, which meant that I had to follow a more restrictive set of rules and expectations than some of my non-religious peers. I didn't have a choice of what I wore, what I watched on TV, how I spoke, or even who I was friends with. Privacy and free will didn't exist in my childhood or adolescence, so I've never had a healthy relationship with the idea of control.
My 2016 bipolar II diagnosis definitely contributed to this dysfunctional connection. Learning that a lot of my behaviors or habits were caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain made me feel like I didn't have a steady grip on my own well-being. Knowing that I would experience hypomanic or depressive episodes for the rest of my life – at times I couldn't predict or choose – made me worry that I would never fully be in control of my own life. Even now, it's sometimes hard to not let those feelings overshadow my identity.
The medications I take to manage my bipolar disorder and other diagnoses are a lifesaver. Literally. They help me remain as stable as possible and truly feel like myself. I rarely experience depressive or hypomanic symptoms, and I'm able to feel my emotions and go through tough times without totally spiraling.
If I'm being honest, though, accepting that I'll probably need to stay on these medications forever in order to stay mentally well wasn't easy. Although I've been treated for bipolar disorder for many years, the urge to 'take back control' instead of sticking to my treatment plan and following my health care providers' instructions still comes up from time to time.
I've been guilty of missing or purposely skipping doses of my medication more times than I'd like to admit. In my early 20s, I sometimes went months without taking them.
You can imagine how badly this backfired. Plenty of episodes and hospital stays could have been avoided if I had just accepted that I was prescribed things like medication and regular therapy for a reason.
Now that I'm in my 30s, I recognize how irresponsible and harmful those choices were, but I can also see how they served as a way for me to feel a sense of authority over my illness.
Honestly, the battle I've fought to gain power over my mental health may never really be over. I am only human, so I anticipate that past frustrations or feelings around free will could still pop up from time to time.
Despite this, I will always be thankful that I've had access to the amazing care I've been given for my mental health and the ways it has improved my sense of self. In other words, I'm trying my best to find empowerment in giving up a little 'power.'
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