Our Week: Donald Trump and Elon Musk*
Monday
Elon Musk Hey man. Do you miss me?
Donald Trump How's the black eye?
Musk Let's not talk about the black eye.
Musk She's fine.
Trump You're a special man. So special. It's not over. You will always be with us. Helping all the way.
Musk Maybe you guys could stop telling everyone I was on drugs?
Trump Were you not on drugs?
Musk Irrelevant.
Trump You'll always have a place here. We haven't even cleared out your office.
Musk I had an office?
Trump Didn't you? Where did you keep the chainsaw?
Musk I just bought a new one each time … They were a really important symbol of cutting waste.
Trump Also, your car is still parked outside.
Trump The f*** was I thinking?
Musk Keep it. Can't really shift them any more.
Trump I'm impressed with us. We're being grown-ups about this.
Musk You're fat.
Tuesday
Trump Elon! What's this? You've just called my big, beautiful bill 'a disgusting abomination!' Such a nasty word! … I mean, I assume it is. I've had somebody look it up. Long!
Musk It's pork! A gigantic budget deficit!!! Crushingly unsustainable debt!!!!!
Trump Maybe you should come and get your stupid car … Or I'll have it towed. I mean, it's never going to drive away by itself.
Musk Asshole. Don't rub it in.
Wednesday
Musk How was Vladimir Putin?
Trump He's just a friend. Jealous?
Musk Shut up. You're jealous. That guy. I should beat him up. Tell him I know MMA.
Trump You got a black eye from a five-year-old … Don't sulk. You're still my favourite billionaire.
Musk What's he got that I haven't?
Trump Nukes and a country. Maybe you should buy a country?
Musk I thought I already had.
Thursday
Musk Watching your press conference with the German, Merz! D-Day! They lost! So funny! This is great! … WTF? Now you're saying you'd have won the election without me? And Susie Wiles is nodding? Such ingratitude!
Trump Friends can disagree. I'm sure you won't overreact.
Musk I'm starting a new party. You'll be dead soon. And should be impeached. Also, you're a sex pest who loved Jeffrey Epstein.
Trump Oh yeah? Well I'm going to tell people you're CRAZY. And threaten to cancel your government contracts! Save billions!
Musk I'm going to sabotage the US space programme. You'll never get to Mars now.
Trump Don't care. Don't even know where it is. Sounds French.
Musk You really want me as an enemy? I have X!
Trump What, is he going to punch me as well?
• Timeline of Trump and Elon Musk's 'bromance' — to their break-up
Friday
Musk We should talk. This has gone too far. Tesla is plunging.
Trump Thought it was usually your spaceships that were plunging. Loser.
Musk Call me.
Trump No. You've lost your mind. You're sick. Look what you've done. Now Russia's Medvedev is offering to broker a peace deal between us.
Musk The little guy? I'll fight him.
Trump Not little enough. Also, Steve Bannon says we should deport you to South Africa.
Musk Don't threaten me. You don't know what I might do. For example, I still have Stephen Miller's wife … Although if you are going to threaten me, please do it on X. Great engagement!
Trump Also on Truth Social! Ten whole retweets!
Trump Not funny. None of your jokes are.
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