Here's A Parenting Expert's Take On ‘FAFO Parenting'
Or maybe it's not forgetfulness, but a daily fight with a kid who doesn't want a coat, no matter how cold it is outside. Eventually, you get tired and say, 'Fine, do it your way and see how it turns out.'
It's called FAFO parenting, and if you're not familiar with FAFO, it stands for 'eff around and find out,' and one expert is warning that balance is necessary.
Wait, What Is FAFO Parenting?
In common parlance, FAFO means something to the effect of, 'Okay, go ahead and do what you're doing, and the consequences will be all yours.' In some cases, it might be a threat; in others, it's just an acknowledgement that whatever endeavor is underway, the speaker expects it to turn out poorly.
When we employ that with kids, it means taking a step back from their choices and letting them feel the consequences.
That might mean showing up at school without their homework, being cold without a coat, or not having their favorite jeans because they didn't do laundry. The 'consequences' in question are generally discomfort, disappointment, or even trouble at school.
Dr. Becky Kennedy, whose Good Inside program is designed to help parents navigate such difficult waters, says she can understand the impulse.
There's Room For Nuance
Dr. Becky says that she feels like the sudden rise in FAFO parenting (which could also be described with terms like 'natural consequences' or 'learn by doing') is in response to many parents' feeling that 'gentle parenting, or a perversion of it,' makes them responsible for ensuring that their child never has a hard moment or negative experience.
She emphasizes that parents are overwhelmed, and that it's okay to allow natural consequences in certain situations, as long as you're still exercising the parental authority and duty to protect from real harm.
It's about picking your battles. For example, letting your child run into traffic to learn a lesson about staying on the sidewalk or letting him step on a nail to learn a lesson about wearing shoes outside is off the table, but letting him get to school without his homework because he didn't put it in his backpack at night is a solid maybe.
Dr. Backy goes into much more detail about this on her podcast, where she digs into the effects of FAFO parenting on kids, which also has more nuance than you might expect!
When Is FAFO Parenting A Good Plan?
Her view is that intentions matter.
Dr. Becky uses the forgotten homework example to explain the difference.
Imagine a situation in which, every night, you tell your child, 'Put your homework in your backpack,' and every night he says, 'I'll get it in the morning,' and every morning, you remind him again.
If your response is to plan a 'gotcha' in which you'll enjoy your child's misery when the morning that you skip reminding him is the day he has the most important assignment due, or imagine smug 'told ya so' moments, you're damaging the trust your child has in you.
If, by contrast, your response is to recognize that putting the homework folder cannot be your job forever, and you want your child to learn that responsibility, you can have a different outcome.
You might tell your child, then, 'I'm not going to remind you of your homework in the mornings anymore. If you get to school without it, it will be your responsibility,' and then stick to that boundary.
The actions sound almost the same, but Dr. Becky says, 'Kids feel our intention more than our intervention.'
Solve the daily Crossword
Hashtags
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Yahoo
5 hours ago
- Yahoo
I had kids later than most of my friends. They were able to share valuable advice, but I had to connect with younger moms to survive.
While I was off traveling and getting an advanced degree, most of my friends were having kids. Some of them are dropping kids off at college while I'm still in the grade school pick-up line. I started my family in my 30s, which means younger moms have become my allies — and friends. In my 20s, I watched my friends raise their families. I sipped a margarita while their kids had bedtime tantrums, and provided moral support as they folded the mounds of dirty cloth diapers and onesies. I watched them parent and juggle the responsibilities of work, meal prep, and taking care of the home. While I was busy not settling down, most of my friends already had — and they'd been moms for nearly a decade by the time I had my first child. Life experience and education gave me a lot, but couldn't prepare me for everything I became a mom at 31 after spending my 20s doing exactly what I wanted — painting murals, trips to Europe, and earning an advanced degree in philosophy. While those experiences might not sound like traditional prep from motherhood, having time to do all of that helped me feel ready to be a mom. I learned about myself, what I could handle, and what kind of life I wanted. Were my 20s a crash course in parenting? Not exactly, but they gave me a deeper understanding of the world, one that I hoped to pass on to my own children. I lived a great adventure, so when it came time to settle down, I had no regrets. However, becoming a mom did knock me off balance at first. I know now, becoming a parent is a shock for everyone, but after a decade of independence, I found it incredibly disorienting. The biggest shock was the slow realization of what "settling down" actually meant. Instead of talking about politics or traveling, I was plunged into the foreign world of the "mom circle," where conversations were more about nipple cream, onesies, and parenting methods. These topics weren't wrong, just different, and it took me time to adjust and realize that these women were giving me exactly what I needed. They were giving me the extraordinary tools of mothering through very ordinary conversations. I went from being an expert to a beginner I was used to feeling competent in my career and studies, so starting over as a beginner mom among all my veteran mom friends was intimidating and humbling. Yet I learned quickly and realized the importance of asking for help. These friends were a wealth of knowledge, and I did my best to draw from it. But there was a catch — these moms were no longer sleep-deprived zombies, and what I also needed besides veteran parenting wisdom was someone who could relate. Younger moms became my lifeline I wouldn't normally reach out to younger people for help and advice, but I needed friends who shared my life stage. And yes, I was self-conscious about my age when I found them, but that quickly dissolved over coffee-fueled, spit-up-intensive playdates. These moms have since become lifelong friends, and — added benefit — they keep me feeling surprisingly young, as well. My timeline was right for me Now, my oldest is entering seventh grade, and being an older mom has stretched me in all the right ways. It taught me humility and to lean on the wisdom of others, while reaching out to broaden my peer group. Everyone's timeline is different. I'm thankful for all my experiences in life, and as a mom. They were right for me, and I wouldn't change a thing. Read the original article on Business Insider Solve the daily Crossword
New York Times
6 hours ago
- New York Times
I Hate How My Sister's Husband Treats Her. Can I Intervene?
I'm struggling with what I'm seeing in my sister's marriage. Whenever we spend extended time together, it's very clear to me that she carries the majority of the emotional and physical load with her two young kids. She's the one waking up early with them, managing meltdowns, doing the cooking and keeping things afloat. Her husband, meanwhile, sleeps in late, stays on his computer or phone for long stretches (claiming he's 'working') and rarely helps without being prompted. What's more concerning is that when he does interact, he often seems impatient with the kids — and sometimes even escalates their tantrums by teasing or provoking them when they're already on edge. My sister, on the other hand, sometimes overcompensates by coddling the kids. The dynamic between them feels completely out of balance. She recently told me that her husband was diagnosed with A.D.H.D. [attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder], and she's been reading about how to better support him. But he often dismisses her efforts with jokes — like saying, 'Nothing will help unless you and the kids move out,' or brushing off her concerns with, 'That's your problem, not mine.' He plays this off as humor, but it doesn't feel harmless. Whenever others, including our mom, have tried to talk to her about this, she becomes defensive. I want to support her, but I feel stuck between not overstepping and not staying silent while she burns herself out. How do I support my sister when I see this imbalance so clearly, but she might not be ready to see or name it herself? From the Therapist: It's hard to watch someone you love being treated in a way that you find unacceptable. You care about your sister's well-being, and you're struggling to understand why she tolerates what looks to you like an imbalance of responsibility, respect and emotional labor. Your instinct is to help her see what you see, then do something about it. Want all of The Times? Subscribe.
Washington Post
11 hours ago
- Washington Post
Carolyn Hax: Discouraged partner thinks they're ‘abjectly failing' as parents
Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: I was pretty stunned last week when my partner told me, in all seriousness, that they think we are 'abjectly failing' as parents. I think we're rocking it! Our kids are loved. They are up-to-date on vaccinations and always have clean clothes. We have pillow fights! We talk about consent! Yes, our house is messy, but a cleaner comes in twice a month to keep it from getting feral. Yes, dinner might often be fish fingers or Wendy's, but the fish fingers or Wendy's are always served with fresh veggies. We speak to our kids gently, read to them nightly, take family walks and avoid all screens. When I asked what 'successful parenting' would look like, partner said we would 'never be stressed, eat healthy food all the time,' and one of us would be able to quit our job to dedicate ourselves entirely to housework and child care. Kids are currently in a licensed, accredited day care. Partner said we should have a road map to the kids' college careers already in place, including high school placements and extracurriculars, and be exercising daily. All of that is apparently the 'bare minimum.' That's … nuts, right? Are these standards that any parents, aside from TikTok influencers, are actually meeting? — This Is Failure? This Is Failure?: Social media is the devil. Even if you're padding your accomplishments a little, you're still killing it as parents by any objective, not-incredibly-toxically-monetizedly stupid measure. I know I'm answering your partner through you, but I'm just flapping my arms too hard to answer any other way. These objectives aren't just about being realistic or not cracking under self-imposed pressure; they're about being well-adjusted. That teaches kids to handle real life on their own. Will they know how to manage stress and failure; coexist with junk food without hang-ups; build connections within and beyond family to meet their emotional needs; juggle work, housework, relationships and play; learn about themselves incrementally and age-appropriately until they choose their own path; and approach life holistically vs. as a bunch of boxes to check? This is what you're after. Your kids also, ah, need abundant support, guidance and good role models for withstanding mass- and social-media influences everywhere — urgently, if one parent is as mired as you suggest. It's a blunt instrument, but consider deleting apps. Good luck. Re: Parenting: To my untrained eye, this sounds like anxiety, a lot of it. I would suggest your spouse detach from social media or mute all parenting influencers/accounts. — Anonymous Anonymous: Thanks. Another reader suggested depression, also a possibility. Or both. Re: Parenting: Literally no one has a stress-free life where they eat healthy 100 percent of the time. Also, my mom quit her job to be a stay-at-home parent because she thought that is what you were supposed to do, and she became visibly depressed and anxious. None of us have kids because it was so obviously a miserable thing to do. — No Kids No Kids: Oh dear. That's an unintended consequence of unusual size. I'm sorry.
