Latest news with #FAFOparenting
Wall Street Journal
a day ago
- General
- Wall Street Journal
How to Parent? Do It Gently
Erica Komisar's op-ed 'Don't Fool Around With 'FAFO Parenting'' (Aug. 8) reminds me of the advice a dear friend and experienced parent gave me when our first son was born many years ago. 'Raising children is like holding onto a bar of soap in the shower,' she said. 'Too firm a grip, and the soap will squirt out of your hand. Too loose a grip, and you'll drop the soap. A consistent gentle grasp will keep it in your hands.' Tom Morgan
Yahoo
2 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
Is F* Around and Find Out Parenting Supported by Research?
A new parenting style has emerged to provide an alternative to gentle parenting— so should you try it? The Wall Street Journal recently published an article that gained a lot of attention among parents. The article was titled 'Goodbye Gentle Parenting, Hello F* Around and Find Out' and it described a new parenting style, F* Around and Find Out Parenting (or FAFO parenting). FAFO parenting seems to be a backlash to the gentle parenting movement. The cheeky name may make FAFO parenting seem like a joke but many parents and influencers seem to be seriously considering the merits of this approach. So is there really any research backing up any aspects of this parenting style? And should you try it out in your own life? What Exactly is F* Around and Find Out (FAFO) Parenting? FAFO parenting involves giving children the freedom to make choices and test limits (the 'F* Around' part) and then enforcing or allowing natural and logical consequences for the choices they make (the 'Find Out' part). For example, FAFO parents would allow children not to wear a coat on a cold day and 'find out' on their own just how uncomfortable they feel without it. They may not remind children about homework and allow the child to face the consequences of not turning it in. FAFO parents also do not shy away from consequences enforced by parents. For example, if a child misuses the iPad, the parent may take it away for a period of time, or if they don't clean up their toys, the parent may throw away or donate some of them. FAFO parenting feels like a direct counter to gentle parenting which advises parents to avoid consequences. It also seems to provide a solution for parents who worry whether gentle parenting prepares children for the 'real world.' FAFO parenting as a whole is too new to be comprehensively studied by researchers (even gentle parenting hasn't been studied in this way yet— although see here for the research on aspects of gentle parenting). Yet, there is research on the different components of FAFO parenting and understanding this research can help us to understand which parts parents may want to implement and which parts they may want to avoid or implement more cautiously. Which Parts of FAFO Parenting Are Backed by Research? Allowing children autonomy and choice. One of the aspects of FAFO parenting that is most backed by research is the 'F* around' part of it. FAFO encourages parents to step back and allow their children to make choices without trying to control or influence them. This supports decades of research finding that parents that allow children more freedom tend to have happier and more well-adjusted children. On the other hand Intrusive or controlling parenting (which may involve excessive monitoring or preventing your child from making mistakes or suffering hardship) is associated with higher anxiety, depression, and poor coping skills. Using natural and logical consequences. FAFO parenting encourages the use of natural and logical consequences which are consistently backed by research. Natural consequences are any results of the child's behavior that happen without the parents intervening. For example, if a child plays roughly with a toy, they may break the toy. Logical consequences are consequences of a child's behavior that are enforced by parents and directly related to the behavior. For example, if a child plays roughly with a toy, a parent may take it away. Research finds that clear and consistent consequences are very effective in improving children's behavior AND mental health. In fact, natural and logical consequences are rated as the most effective discipline technique by both parents and children. Research finds that because natural and logical consequences are more acceptable to children, they are less likely to cause anger and more likely to increase empathy, which ultimately leads to children actually internalizing the values behind the rules— see here which explains this research. Learning through real life experiences rather than verbal explanations. Research finds that children may learn better from active experiences than verbal lectures. For young children in particular sometimes we parents use too many words which ultimately overwhelms their limited language comprehension abilities. FAFO parenting may help us move away from lengthy verbal explanations and instead allow children to learn on their own the consequences of their actions. Which Parts of FAFO Parenting Should You Avoid or Be Careful About? Consequences should be firm and fair but not punishing or mean-spirited. Research consistently finds that the most effective parenting approach involves consequences being delivered with warmth and respect. Consequences should never be delivered in a mocking or insensitive way. Parents should also avoid consequences that are controlling or that aim to shame or manipulate children. This could include using threats to make your child behave or trying to induce guilt or fear when enforcing consequences. This type of controlling parenting is associated with anxiety, depression, and behavior problems in kids. Consequences should never involve physical aggression. I was disappointed to see that the Wall Street Journal article which brought mainstream attention to FAFO parenting included examples such as throwing a child in a pond and biting a child back after they bit you. Research has consistently shown that physical discipline is always counterproductive since children simply learn that aggression is a way to solve problems. Consequences should always be delivered calmly and without any physical aggression. Focus on prevention. One key point that is missed by FAFO parenting is that prevention may be more effective than consequences. Prevention may include clearly communicating rules and expectations, practicing coping skills when your child is calm, following predictable routines, and helping your child to avoid triggers. Focus on emotions too! Although consequences may be helpful, parents should never neglect emotional coaching and connection. Talking about and supporting your child's emotions has so many benefits including improving children's emotion regulation and behavior. To practice emotion coaching, talk about emotion as often as possible particularly during times of calm, and validate and empathize with your children's emotions even when you are delivering consequences. Make sure you are allowing developmentally appropriate choices and freedom. Allowing children to make their own choices is so important, but make sure they are ready for this privilege. For example, you may allow your 10-year-old to choose whether or not to wear a coat but not your two-year-old. In addition, only you know what your child is ready for— some 10-year-old children are responsible enough to explore the neighborhood on their own and some are not. Neurodiverse children, such as children with ADHD and autism, may need more support in making these choices on their own. Solve problems together instead of leaving your children to solve problems on their own. Your children may not yet have the problem-solving abilities to fully figure it out on their own so brainstorm and talk through the options with them until they are able to do it independently. Research finds that collaborative problem solving helps to reduce behavior problems and build problem-solving skills. Overall Translation F* Around and Find Out (FAFO) parenting may be very appealing to parents who feel burnt out and frustrated by gentle parenting. I have previously written about how parents may experience gentle parenting as unrealistic and may feel like they need more concrete discipline strategies. These sentiments may explain why FAFO parenting has gone viral. This parenting style may, at least on the surface, provide an alternative approach that seems easier and more straightforward to implement. When examined from the lens of research, FAFO parenting involves many strengths, including giving children more freedom, using natural and logical consequences, and allowing children to learn from real world experiences. However, parents should also be cautious about some aspects of FAFO parenting including how they enforce consequences, remembering to focus on prevention and emotions, and solving problems collaboratively with their children. It might seem like you have to make a choice between gentle parenting and FAFO parenting. Yet, research really suggests a more balanced approach— using consequences alongside talking through emotions, allowing freedom to f* around and make their own choices alongside guidance and prevention, responding seriously and firmly to inappropriate behavior alongside love and warmth. The dichotomy between gentle parenting and FAFO parenting really only exists on the internet. In real life, choosing a parenting style is not like choosing a religion— you can take what you like and leave the rest. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
2 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
Is F* Around and Find Out Parenting Supported by Research?
A new parenting style has emerged to provide an alternative to gentle parenting— so should you try it? The Wall Street Journal recently published an article that gained a lot of attention among parents. The article was titled 'Goodbye Gentle Parenting, Hello F* Around and Find Out' and it described a new parenting style, F* Around and Find Out Parenting (or FAFO parenting). FAFO parenting seems to be a backlash to the gentle parenting movement. The cheeky name may make FAFO parenting seem like a joke but many parents and influencers seem to be seriously considering the merits of this approach. So is there really any research backing up any aspects of this parenting style? And should you try it out in your own life? What Exactly is F* Around and Find Out (FAFO) Parenting? FAFO parenting involves giving children the freedom to make choices and test limits (the 'F* Around' part) and then enforcing or allowing natural and logical consequences for the choices they make (the 'Find Out' part). For example, FAFO parents would allow children not to wear a coat on a cold day and 'find out' on their own just how uncomfortable they feel without it. They may not remind children about homework and allow the child to face the consequences of not turning it in. FAFO parents also do not shy away from consequences enforced by parents. For example, if a child misuses the iPad, the parent may take it away for a period of time, or if they don't clean up their toys, the parent may throw away or donate some of them. FAFO parenting feels like a direct counter to gentle parenting which advises parents to avoid consequences. It also seems to provide a solution for parents who worry whether gentle parenting prepares children for the 'real world.' FAFO parenting as a whole is too new to be comprehensively studied by researchers (even gentle parenting hasn't been studied in this way yet— although see here for the research on aspects of gentle parenting). Yet, there is research on the different components of FAFO parenting and understanding this research can help us to understand which parts parents may want to implement and which parts they may want to avoid or implement more cautiously. Which Parts of FAFO Parenting Are Backed by Research? Allowing children autonomy and choice. One of the aspects of FAFO parenting that is most backed by research is the 'F* around' part of it. FAFO encourages parents to step back and allow their children to make choices without trying to control or influence them. This supports decades of research finding that parents that allow children more freedom tend to have happier and more well-adjusted children. On the other hand Intrusive or controlling parenting (which may involve excessive monitoring or preventing your child from making mistakes or suffering hardship) is associated with higher anxiety, depression, and poor coping skills. Using natural and logical consequences. FAFO parenting encourages the use of natural and logical consequences which are consistently backed by research. Natural consequences are any results of the child's behavior that happen without the parents intervening. For example, if a child plays roughly with a toy, they may break the toy. Logical consequences are consequences of a child's behavior that are enforced by parents and directly related to the behavior. For example, if a child plays roughly with a toy, a parent may take it away. Research finds that clear and consistent consequences are very effective in improving children's behavior AND mental health. In fact, natural and logical consequences are rated as the most effective discipline technique by both parents and children. Research finds that because natural and logical consequences are more acceptable to children, they are less likely to cause anger and more likely to increase empathy, which ultimately leads to children actually internalizing the values behind the rules— see here which explains this research. Learning through real life experiences rather than verbal explanations. Research finds that children may learn better from active experiences than verbal lectures. For young children in particular sometimes we parents use too many words which ultimately overwhelms their limited language comprehension abilities. FAFO parenting may help us move away from lengthy verbal explanations and instead allow children to learn on their own the consequences of their actions. Which Parts of FAFO Parenting Should You Avoid or Be Careful About? Consequences should be firm and fair but not punishing or mean-spirited. Research consistently finds that the most effective parenting approach involves consequences being delivered with warmth and respect. Consequences should never be delivered in a mocking or insensitive way. Parents should also avoid consequences that are controlling or that aim to shame or manipulate children. This could include using threats to make your child behave or trying to induce guilt or fear when enforcing consequences. This type of controlling parenting is associated with anxiety, depression, and behavior problems in kids. Consequences should never involve physical aggression. I was disappointed to see that the Wall Street Journal article which brought mainstream attention to FAFO parenting included examples such as throwing a child in a pond and biting a child back after they bit you. Research has consistently shown that physical discipline is always counterproductive since children simply learn that aggression is a way to solve problems. Consequences should always be delivered calmly and without any physical aggression. Focus on prevention. One key point that is missed by FAFO parenting is that prevention may be more effective than consequences. Prevention may include clearly communicating rules and expectations, practicing coping skills when your child is calm, following predictable routines, and helping your child to avoid triggers. Focus on emotions too! Although consequences may be helpful, parents should never neglect emotional coaching and connection. Talking about and supporting your child's emotions has so many benefits including improving children's emotion regulation and behavior. To practice emotion coaching, talk about emotion as often as possible particularly during times of calm, and validate and empathize with your children's emotions even when you are delivering consequences. Make sure you are allowing developmentally appropriate choices and freedom. Allowing children to make their own choices is so important, but make sure they are ready for this privilege. For example, you may allow your 10-year-old to choose whether or not to wear a coat but not your two-year-old. In addition, only you know what your child is ready for— some 10-year-old children are responsible enough to explore the neighborhood on their own and some are not. Neurodiverse children, such as children with ADHD and autism, may need more support in making these choices on their own. Solve problems together instead of leaving your children to solve problems on their own. Your children may not yet have the problem-solving abilities to fully figure it out on their own so brainstorm and talk through the options with them until they are able to do it independently. Research finds that collaborative problem solving helps to reduce behavior problems and build problem-solving skills. Overall Translation F* Around and Find Out (FAFO) parenting may be very appealing to parents who feel burnt out and frustrated by gentle parenting. I have previously written about how parents may experience gentle parenting as unrealistic and may feel like they need more concrete discipline strategies. These sentiments may explain why FAFO parenting has gone viral. This parenting style may, at least on the surface, provide an alternative approach that seems easier and more straightforward to implement. When examined from the lens of research, FAFO parenting involves many strengths, including giving children more freedom, using natural and logical consequences, and allowing children to learn from real world experiences. However, parents should also be cautious about some aspects of FAFO parenting including how they enforce consequences, remembering to focus on prevention and emotions, and solving problems collaboratively with their children. It might seem like you have to make a choice between gentle parenting and FAFO parenting. Yet, research really suggests a more balanced approach— using consequences alongside talking through emotions, allowing freedom to f* around and make their own choices alongside guidance and prevention, responding seriously and firmly to inappropriate behavior alongside love and warmth. The dichotomy between gentle parenting and FAFO parenting really only exists on the internet. In real life, choosing a parenting style is not like choosing a religion— you can take what you like and leave the rest. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
03-08-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
Introducing the new style of parenting
Say your child doesn't grab a jacket despite you telling them it's going to rain. If you allow them to proceed despite warning them of the real-world consequences, like letting them get soaking wet, you may be practicing the trendy 'F*** Around and Find Out' parenting style. A rising number of parents are rejecting the Gen-Z-dominant model of 'gentle parenting' in favor of a newer, tougher approach commonly referred to as FAFO. The viral approach emphasizes consequences over permissive softness, unlike the style that influenced much of Gen Z's upbringing. FAFO parenting operates on a simple premise: parents issue warnings and let kids face the natural or even contrived results if they disregard rules. As the Wall Street Journal exemplifies, 'Won't bring your raincoat? Walk home in the downpour. Didn't feel like having lasagna for dinner? Survive until breakfast. Left your toy on the floor again? Go find it in the trash under the lasagna you didn't eat.' The Independent interviewed two psychologists, Dr. Terri Mortensen and Dr. Ross Greene, with differing opinions on FAFO parenting and how it could affect kids' long-term mental health. Mortensen, a parent coach in Davie, Florida, who runs a program for parents of anxious teens and those with OCD, says FAFO shares some traits with the well-known authoritative parenting style, but she doesn't believe the two are the same. 'I think FAFO is like a fun, fancy name that has come around and is a little spicier to fit some of the spicier parents that are out there,' she told The Independent, also making a viral TikTok on the approach, which she thinks today's society needs more of. 'I specialize in kids and teens, and I find that there's a lot of overly permissive, very anxious parenting that's happening. When we protect kids from everything, they struggle with confidence and resilience and being able to function later on because they haven't gone through things and been successful. Therefore, they don't have the confidence in themselves to be able to handle things and are always waiting for the safety net.' The adjunct professor at the Fischler College of Education and School of Criminal Justice thinks FAFO parenting could be implemented as early as toddlerhood. As long as the natural consequences of this approach don't hurt the child or anyone else, she says this strategy can help even young kids learn independence. 'We don't want to let kids run free without any kind of guardrails or supervision. But even toddlers can figure out if they're running too fast, and they crash and fall, then the next time, they'll learn to slow it down a little bit more. Or if they're running down a hill and they're, again, running too fast, they can learn to slow down,' she said. Meanwhile, Greene, a child psychologist and author based in Portland, Maine, who developed the evidence-based Collaborative & Proactive Solutions model for addressing child behavior, tells The Independent that he's 'not a consequences guy' and believes adult-imposed consequences aren't appropriate at any age. The former Harvard Medical School faculty member criticized the tendency to pile on punishments, like spankings or time-outs, when natural consequences fail, arguing that many children don't respond to either. He said that consequences alone rarely address the root causes of behavior, but adults often rely on them due to a lack of alternative strategies. Struggles like getting out of bed, doing chores, or stopping video games are signs of unsolved problems, not issues that can be fixed with punishment, he said. Instead of focusing on consequences, adults should work with kids to solve these underlying problems. 'Natural consequences are inevitable, so whatever the effect is going to be, the effect is going to be,' Greene, who now runs the non-profit Lives in the Balance, said. 'I don't help adults make more consequences. I help adults solve problems with kids.' 'Good parenting is noticing when your kid is having difficulty meeting an expectation and collaborating with them on figuring out what's getting in their way and solving the problem together.' Greene continued, 'People who are heavy-duty, consequence-oriented would call that passive. There's nothing passive about it. It doesn't quite meet the criteria for gentle parenting, either. Gentle is not active enough for me. Kids have problems, and if all we're doing is consequences for their behavior, we're missing the boat.' Mortensen agrees that parents often use ineffective consequences, like grounding a teen for bad grades or taking away their phone during an emotional outburst, simply because they don't know a better way to respond. 'Consequences that make sense and fit the crime, so to speak, can be helpful, but I feel like a lot of parents do not use them in the right way,' she said. 'Let's say they're sending naked pictures. You should take the phone. That makes sense, but being disrespectful doesn't make sense to take the phone.' Mortensen said she isn't sure she would 'punish' a teen for being disrespectful to their parents, and agreed with Greene in this instance about having a collaborative conversation. 'It would have to be a conversation after everybody has calmed down, because trying to do that in the moment when everybody's pissed off is not going to work,' she said. 'Being able to stop and have a conversation when you're calm and say, 'Listen, you can't talk to me like this. When you're older, you're going to have people that you disagree with. We need to be able to communicate in a different way, where we both can feel heard, and if we need to take a break, let's take a break, and then we can come back to the conversation,' would be good.' Mortensen continued, 'Good parenting is all about balance: have a good relationship and also be able to give the child or teen space to be able to learn and be critical thinkers, take responsibility, and have the consequences.' Solve the daily Crossword
