Is F* Around and Find Out Parenting Supported by Research?
The Wall Street Journal recently published an article that gained a lot of attention among parents. The article was titled 'Goodbye Gentle Parenting, Hello F* Around and Find Out' and it described a new parenting style, F* Around and Find Out Parenting (or FAFO parenting). FAFO parenting seems to be a backlash to the gentle parenting movement. The cheeky name may make FAFO parenting seem like a joke but many parents and influencers seem to be seriously considering the merits of this approach. So is there really any research backing up any aspects of this parenting style? And should you try it out in your own life?
What Exactly is F* Around and Find Out (FAFO) Parenting?
FAFO parenting involves giving children the freedom to make choices and test limits (the 'F* Around' part) and then enforcing or allowing natural and logical consequences for the choices they make (the 'Find Out' part). For example, FAFO parents would allow children not to wear a coat on a cold day and 'find out' on their own just how uncomfortable they feel without it. They may not remind children about homework and allow the child to face the consequences of not turning it in. FAFO parents also do not shy away from consequences enforced by parents. For example, if a child misuses the iPad, the parent may take it away for a period of time, or if they don't clean up their toys, the parent may throw away or donate some of them.
FAFO parenting feels like a direct counter to gentle parenting which advises parents to avoid consequences. It also seems to provide a solution for parents who worry whether gentle parenting prepares children for the 'real world.'
FAFO parenting as a whole is too new to be comprehensively studied by researchers (even gentle parenting hasn't been studied in this way yet— although see here for the research on aspects of gentle parenting). Yet, there is research on the different components of FAFO parenting and understanding this research can help us to understand which parts parents may want to implement and which parts they may want to avoid or implement more cautiously.
Which Parts of FAFO Parenting Are Backed by Research?
Allowing children autonomy and choice. One of the aspects of FAFO parenting that is most backed by research is the 'F* around' part of it. FAFO encourages parents to step back and allow their children to make choices without trying to control or influence them. This supports decades of research finding that parents that allow children more freedom tend to have happier and more well-adjusted children. On the other hand Intrusive or controlling parenting (which may involve excessive monitoring or preventing your child from making mistakes or suffering hardship) is associated with higher anxiety, depression, and poor coping skills.
Using natural and logical consequences. FAFO parenting encourages the use of natural and logical consequences which are consistently backed by research. Natural consequences are any results of the child's behavior that happen without the parents intervening. For example, if a child plays roughly with a toy, they may break the toy. Logical consequences are consequences of a child's behavior that are enforced by parents and directly related to the behavior. For example, if a child plays roughly with a toy, a parent may take it away. Research finds that clear and consistent consequences are very effective in improving children's behavior AND mental health. In fact, natural and logical consequences are rated as the most effective discipline technique by both parents and children. Research finds that because natural and logical consequences are more acceptable to children, they are less likely to cause anger and more likely to increase empathy, which ultimately leads to children actually internalizing the values behind the rules— see here which explains this research.
Learning through real life experiences rather than verbal explanations. Research finds that children may learn better from active experiences than verbal lectures. For young children in particular sometimes we parents use too many words which ultimately overwhelms their limited language comprehension abilities. FAFO parenting may help us move away from lengthy verbal explanations and instead allow children to learn on their own the consequences of their actions.
Which Parts of FAFO Parenting Should You Avoid or Be Careful About?
Consequences should be firm and fair but not punishing or mean-spirited. Research consistently finds that the most effective parenting approach involves consequences being delivered with warmth and respect. Consequences should never be delivered in a mocking or insensitive way.
Parents should also avoid consequences that are controlling or that aim to shame or manipulate children. This could include using threats to make your child behave or trying to induce guilt or fear when enforcing consequences. This type of controlling parenting is associated with anxiety, depression, and behavior problems in kids.
Consequences should never involve physical aggression. I was disappointed to see that the Wall Street Journal article which brought mainstream attention to FAFO parenting included examples such as throwing a child in a pond and biting a child back after they bit you. Research has consistently shown that physical discipline is always counterproductive since children simply learn that aggression is a way to solve problems. Consequences should always be delivered calmly and without any physical aggression.
Focus on prevention. One key point that is missed by FAFO parenting is that prevention may be more effective than consequences. Prevention may include clearly communicating rules and expectations, practicing coping skills when your child is calm, following predictable routines, and helping your child to avoid triggers.
Focus on emotions too! Although consequences may be helpful, parents should never neglect emotional coaching and connection. Talking about and supporting your child's emotions has so many benefits including improving children's emotion regulation and behavior. To practice emotion coaching, talk about emotion as often as possible particularly during times of calm, and validate and empathize with your children's emotions even when you are delivering consequences.
Make sure you are allowing developmentally appropriate choices and freedom. Allowing children to make their own choices is so important, but make sure they are ready for this privilege. For example, you may allow your 10-year-old to choose whether or not to wear a coat but not your two-year-old. In addition, only you know what your child is ready for— some 10-year-old children are responsible enough to explore the neighborhood on their own and some are not. Neurodiverse children, such as children with ADHD and autism, may need more support in making these choices on their own.
Solve problems together instead of leaving your children to solve problems on their own. Your children may not yet have the problem-solving abilities to fully figure it out on their own so brainstorm and talk through the options with them until they are able to do it independently. Research finds that collaborative problem solving helps to reduce behavior problems and build problem-solving skills.
Overall Translation
F* Around and Find Out (FAFO) parenting may be very appealing to parents who feel burnt out and frustrated by gentle parenting. I have previously written about how parents may experience gentle parenting as unrealistic and may feel like they need more concrete discipline strategies. These sentiments may explain why FAFO parenting has gone viral. This parenting style may, at least on the surface, provide an alternative approach that seems easier and more straightforward to implement.
When examined from the lens of research, FAFO parenting involves many strengths, including giving children more freedom, using natural and logical consequences, and allowing children to learn from real world experiences. However, parents should also be cautious about some aspects of FAFO parenting including how they enforce consequences, remembering to focus on prevention and emotions, and solving problems collaboratively with their children.
It might seem like you have to make a choice between gentle parenting and FAFO parenting. Yet, research really suggests a more balanced approach— using consequences alongside talking through emotions, allowing freedom to f* around and make their own choices alongside guidance and prevention, responding seriously and firmly to inappropriate behavior alongside love and warmth. The dichotomy between gentle parenting and FAFO parenting really only exists on the internet. In real life, choosing a parenting style is not like choosing a religion— you can take what you like and leave the rest.
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