CRAIG BROWN: Acropolis now - off the beaten track in Greece
KIOSK
Measuring 3ft 6in by 7ft, Kiosk is the smallest of the Greek Isles, but comes surprisingly well-stocked with street maps, cigarettes, magazines and cheaper items of confectionery.
The perfect holiday destination for those who prefer to stay in one place, and ideal, too, for those looking to buy British Sunday newspapers on the following Thursday.
IKEA
A range of hotels recently opened on the popular Isle of Ikea. 'It's a whole new concept in luxury accommodation, designed for guests in search of something that little bit different,' boasts the brochure.
On arrival, guests are awarded a free set of Allen keys to help them assemble their bed, chair, table and shower curtains. Explanatory diagrams, complete with arrows pointing in all directions, are provided free of charge.
The island of Ikea offers plenty of useful activities, from pick-your-own-fruit farms to restaurants in which customers are given coal and matches, a string of sausages and easy-to-assemble cooking utensils.
Those wishing to embark on a sunset cruise around the bay may hire transport, but remember to allow two-to-three hours to inflate your lilo.
TYPOS
'Welmoce To Typos Airpot' reads the banner that greets tourists. Well-placed signs direct visitors to Car Prak, Trans, Currants Exchang, Lungage Pig-Up and Dirty Free.
There's plenty to do on the island, including water-spots, hopping and crazy glof. Hellcopter rides are heavily boked.
Typos is an isle of cotnrasts, with indrustial cities to the nroth, and rolling pills to the south. Luxury accomodation is provided by the Majestic, a five-rats muxury hotel.
PARANOIA
With its palm trees regularly swaying a full 180 degrees in the wind and its waves offering a once-in-a-lifetime experience to the unwary bather, the sun-drenched Isle of Paranoia is a must for those craving adventure.
Be sure to drive your hire car at breakneck speed along the famously zig-zagging northern cliff route.
The highways agency has thoughtfully placed irregular gaps in the clifftop barriers for those who wish to edge that little bit closer to catch sight of the sea crashing on to the rocks below.
The Isle of Paranoia is self-governed by the military, which enforces strict codes of behaviour. Shorts are to be worn only by those under six years of age; seniors apprehended in shorts and/or baseball caps will find themselves enjoying six hours in the picturesque stocks adjacent to the famous tomato market.
Important note for all tourists: two exit gates are to be found in the Paranoia Airport arrivals, letting visitors decide for themselves whether to go through Something To Declare or Something To Hide.
PATHOS
How many of these have you spotted so far? Six must-see sights on Pathos:
1) A one-eyed, three-legged dog called Lucky.
2) Liz Truss, complaining that Donald Trump still hasn't returned her call.
3) A clown fighting back tears.
4) A visitor centre, closed for the holidays.
5) A town crier who has lost his voice.
6) Liz Truss, boasting loudly over a tumbler of retsina that Rudy Giuliani has asked her to make herself available for dinner in November, on the off-chance that Huw Edwards can't make it.
ATMOS
The historic market town of Atmos prides itself on its multi-storey car park, statue of a 19th-century deputy mayor in a suit and tie, and a shopping mall boasting H&M, Gap, JD Sports and Walmart.
The town's three-star Hotel Reasonable offers a lunchtime buffet of food left over from the previous night's dinner, but with added parsley.
On no account miss the annual Neil Sedaka festival, this year hosted by Rylan Clark.
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