CRAIG BROWN: Acropolis now - off the beaten track in Greece
Your unmissable, essential Guide To The Greek Islands of ancient myth.
KIOSK
Measuring 3ft 6in by 7ft, Kiosk is the smallest of the Greek Isles, but comes surprisingly well-stocked with street maps, cigarettes, magazines and cheaper items of confectionery.
The perfect holiday destination for those who prefer to stay in one place, and ideal, too, for those looking to buy British Sunday newspapers on the following Thursday.
IKEA
A range of hotels recently opened on the popular Isle of Ikea. 'It's a whole new concept in luxury accommodation, designed for guests in search of something that little bit different,' boasts the brochure.
On arrival, guests are awarded a free set of Allen keys to help them assemble their bed, chair, table and shower curtains. Explanatory diagrams, complete with arrows pointing in all directions, are provided free of charge.
The island of Ikea offers plenty of useful activities, from pick-your-own-fruit farms to restaurants in which customers are given coal and matches, a string of sausages and easy-to-assemble cooking utensils.
Those wishing to embark on a sunset cruise around the bay may hire transport, but remember to allow two-to-three hours to inflate your lilo.
TYPOS
'Welmoce To Typos Airpot' reads the banner that greets tourists. Well-placed signs direct visitors to Car Prak, Trans, Currants Exchang, Lungage Pig-Up and Dirty Free.
There's plenty to do on the island, including water-spots, hopping and crazy glof. Hellcopter rides are heavily boked.
Typos is an isle of cotnrasts, with indrustial cities to the nroth, and rolling pills to the south. Luxury accomodation is provided by the Majestic, a five-rats muxury hotel.
PARANOIA
With its palm trees regularly swaying a full 180 degrees in the wind and its waves offering a once-in-a-lifetime experience to the unwary bather, the sun-drenched Isle of Paranoia is a must for those craving adventure.
Be sure to drive your hire car at breakneck speed along the famously zig-zagging northern cliff route.
The highways agency has thoughtfully placed irregular gaps in the clifftop barriers for those who wish to edge that little bit closer to catch sight of the sea crashing on to the rocks below.
The Isle of Paranoia is self-governed by the military, which enforces strict codes of behaviour. Shorts are to be worn only by those under six years of age; seniors apprehended in shorts and/or baseball caps will find themselves enjoying six hours in the picturesque stocks adjacent to the famous tomato market.
Important note for all tourists: two exit gates are to be found in the Paranoia Airport arrivals, letting visitors decide for themselves whether to go through Something To Declare or Something To Hide.
PATHOS
How many of these have you spotted so far? Six must-see sights on Pathos:
1) A one-eyed, three-legged dog called Lucky.
2) Liz Truss, complaining that Donald Trump still hasn't returned her call.
3) A clown fighting back tears.
4) A visitor centre, closed for the holidays.
5) A town crier who has lost his voice.
6) Liz Truss, boasting loudly over a tumbler of retsina that Rudy Giuliani has asked her to make herself available for dinner in November, on the off-chance that Huw Edwards can't make it.
ATMOS
The historic market town of Atmos prides itself on its multi-storey car park, statue of a 19th-century deputy mayor in a suit and tie, and a shopping mall boasting H&M, Gap, JD Sports and Walmart.
The town's three-star Hotel Reasonable offers a lunchtime buffet of food left over from the previous night's dinner, but with added parsley.
On no account miss the annual Neil Sedaka festival, this year hosted by Rylan Clark.
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The Independent
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Newlywed Brits say they had the honeymoon from hell after their five-star hotel was a 'construction site' with machinery whizzing between sunbeds and the sound of drilling echoing across the resort. Phil and Hannah Perkins got married on May 9th and were excited to jet off to Rhodes, Greece, for their holiday two days later. But, their romantic getaway soon took a turn for the worse when they arrived to find the hotel 'in shambles'. The couple claim they sat down by the poolside on the first morning of their trip, hoping to relax, but were shocked to hear a 'deafening' noise from building works taking place. Phil, 56, said he could hear drilling and banging all day long for the duration of their £1,080 holiday, while the noise was so bad it drowned out the music from the bar. Builders reportedly worked in between the sunbeds with trucks and machines, leaving guests having to move their chairs out of the way while they installed glass panels on balconies above the pool. The father claims he and his wife were unable to take any romantic photos due to the hotel being covered in concrete, leaving them feeling like they have not had a honeymoon. While Phil says he tried to get in touch with the holiday rep, he reportedly never received a call back. Phil, from Newport, Wales, said: 'We didn't really expect any problems with it being a five-star resort. When we got there, everything looked nice, on the coast, it was a big place. 'After breakfast, I could hear this constant noise, we had a wander about and there was some building work going on but it was right by the pool, which was called a "relax" pool. 'You had trucks coming through with cement and you had to move your beds to make way. 'I had it for a day and went to see the rep but was told they didn't when she would be back. I gave them my number but she never came back to me. 'It was constant, I watched them put some glass railings above the relax pool and there were people in the pool while they were putting the glass panels in. 'I thought this is not right. There was concrete everywhere. It was just in shambles. 'It was constant drilling, banging. I told my wife, "let's go to the bar and leave this relaxed nonsense", there was a bit of music and we wanted to chill, we thought the music would drown that out, but we could hear no music. 'It was all day every day, it was unbelievable, I've never experienced anything like that. It was a proper building site. The father claims he and his wife were unable to take any romantic photos due to the hotel being 'in shambles' and covered in concrete, leaving them feeling like they have not had a honeymoon. Pictured: Construction workers making noise while working 'I wouldn't expect all the building work, they could've told us before we went, and they're still not advertising it. It ruined our honeymoon. 'We didn't even take one honeymoon photograph, looking around it was so dirty. It was ridiculous, crazy.' But Phil claims the problems had started when the couple first entered their swim-out room and saw the 'brown' sunbeds, leaving them unable to use the pool. After arriving home, the couple complained to EasyJet who reportedly offered them a £281 refund, which the couple initially refused, until it was increased to £381. Phil said: 'We booked a swim-out room, for a little bit of extra. When we got to the room, I opened the curtain to see the swim-out area, and the beds were really grimy and dirty. 'I understand people use tan lotions but it was just brown, they were full of marks we didn't really want to see. It needed a good clean up, hence why we didn't go in there. 'I did go back and asked if there's any chance I could have another room, I wasn't really happy with what I could see. He pretty much said no. 'I get things can go wrong and you can't please everybody but I'm easily pleased. Phil, from Newport, Wales, said: 'We didn't really expect any problems with it being a five-star resort. When we got there, everything looked nice, on the coast, it was a big place 'We went down to see if there was any evening entertainment, there might have been karaoke but there was nothing happening to be honest. 'I complained to EasyJet and a couple of weeks later they apologised £280, the holiday cost us £1,080. 'EasyJet then came back and said they'd offer £380. I just want to forget about it. 'My wife is really down about it; it's like we haven't had a honeymoon. We didn't even take a [honeymoon] photograph. It wasn't right at all.' Phil posted footage from his holiday on social media. One comment on the post said: 'They owe you a free holiday at the very least.' Another said: 'B***** nightmare!!!!!' Another said: 'That's f******* terrible. Like hell could I stay there another day. I've gone fishing and had better holiday than that buddy and didn't catch a thing.' An easyJet holidays spokesman said: 'We're really sorry to hear that Mr Perkins was unhappy with his experience, especially on such a special holiday. 'Once Mr Perkins returned home and got in touch with us, we immediately offered a partial refund. Our team has since been back in touch with Mr Perkins to apologise for his experience and offer a further refund, which was accepted.'
