Over 60, man wants to father a child
A.
Anyone who is thinking about becoming a parent would be wise to ask themselves what's at the root of that desire, how a child can fit into their life and lifestyle, what skills and traits they have that would benefit a child, and what skills they can learn to help them be a better parent. In short, they should go into it with eyes as wide open as possible. If you haven't already, start by asking yourself those questions and see what comes up.
Wanting to be a positive force in a child's life and to feel the unique love that comes from being a parent is quite natural — if it wasn't, the species would be in greater peril than it already is. Investigating your feelings will also help you to be a better potential partner and prepare you for conversations with said partner about being an older parent and the stigma of May-December relationships. Be honest on dates and dating sites about what your hopes are and why.
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The questions might also lead you to another answer: Perhaps you want to be a positive presence for a child in another way, like volunteering, fostering, or engaging more with relatives and friends and their children. Try to be creative in your thinking. (Every parent will tell you that creativity is key anyway.)
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Maybe you don't actually want a baby (and the 4 a.m. feedings that come along with a baby). Maybe what you're really yearning for is family. There are so many different ways to create and grow a family.
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Q.
I read the letter from 'Conflicted Sibling,' whose senior citizen brother always leaves a mess when he visits and expects her to clean up after him.
I recently retired after working many years as a professional social worker for the largest federally operated health care agency in the US. I had many conversations with consumers of this health care agency who were older, often male, and complained that their family (siblings, offspring, etc.) would not do anything for them. They wanted the federal agency to fund house cleaning and homemaking for them, when the federal agency in our area does not have any such program for homemaking or yard work.
I have listened to many sob stories about the rotten family members who are not willing to help. The truth often is that the family has gotten fed up with the individual's meanness and set a boundary of refusing to be taken advantage of by the person. If her refusal to allow him to take advantage of her in this way ends their relationship, it wasn't anything to salvage in the first place.
Best suggestion is to refer this man to the Area Agency on Aging. There is an agency in every state. Your letter writer needs to engage her backbone and say 'no.'
BEEN THERE
A.
The Area Agency on Aging is a great resource. Sometimes with family members, part of setting a boundary involves saying, 'I need you to be a part of the solution, too.'
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The letter writer's brother can find assistance and empowerment through the agency. Hopefully, this helps the letter writer to adjust their dynamic.
Q.
I have a different suggestion for 'Ready to Help.' This is for the grandmother who wants to visit her grandchildren and daughter whose mother-in-law now apparently resides in the guest room: Surely the daughter and her mother-in-law must have undergone some trauma to get to this current housing arrangement. It seems cruel to ask the mother-in-law to leave so granny can visit.
Perhaps a workable idea would be for granny to ask daughter when she could visit that would be of help to her, insisting on staying at a (hopefully) nearby hotel. Granny could offer to take the kids out for some quality time alone with them to a park or museum or to any possible after-school, games, clubs, or activities.
This visit could also include the kids staying overnight for an 'adventure' at the hotel with the grandparents, and give the daughter a much-needed, much-welcome break.
ANOTHER VIEW
A.
Thank you for these suggestions. I wholeheartedly agree.
If it's within the letter writer's means, a hotel stay is a great start. More importantly, as you pointed out, there's an opportunity to relieve some of the tension in the house by being sensitive to the mother in-law's situation and asking the daughter what would be most helpful.
R. Eric Thomas can be reached at
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