Parents excluded from daughter's 40th birthday, but in-laws got an invite
Tess said we could come for one drink, but then the kids would have to go home to go to bed. She also said she did not invite her aunt (her father's sister) because we would not be there, and they wouldn't know anyone. My husband and I have a small family, just us, his sister, her husband, and their two children, who both live out of state.
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I was very hurt by this but kept my mouth shut because every time I have spoken up about being left out or about my daughter's attitude toward me, it turns into a fight. I did speak up to my husband, but he didn't think it was wrong for us to have to baby-sit and miss our daughter's party.
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It's not the grandchildren's fault. We love having our grandchildren and have them sleep over quite often, at least twice a month. I just feel other arrangements could have been made for this occasion. Your opinion?
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LEFT OUT
A.
Other arrangements could have been made. Surely this wasn't the only possible solution. So I completely understand where you're coming from.
Depending on the guest list, the occasion, and the vibe, some parties aren't 'invite your parents parties' (just as some parties aren't 'invite your work friends' or 'invite kids and adults,' et cetera). I would understand if the party that Mack envisioned was a wild rumpus that older and younger generations may not have enjoyed as much. But that's not the case here.
It really stands out that, from your telling, Mack essentially had a family reunion for his side of the family to celebrate Tess's birthday and declined to invite your side.
Perhaps he thought that because you'd have the opportunity to celebrate at a dinner of your own, you wouldn't want to come to the party or wouldn't feel excluded. Perhaps he even thought this was a graceful solution, providing you with dedicated time with Tess and dedicated time with your grandkids.
If you're struggling to accept what happened and fear that talking about it more will cause conflict, then you might choose to believe this more generous explanation and assume the best. At the end of the day, Tess's 40th was well-celebrated, and that's what matters most.
Q.
The letter from 'Feeling Judgmental' made me sad. I have a few thoughts about her and her situation.
She clearly states that she is judgmental and feels disappointed by her old friends who stayed behind in their hometown after she left. It makes sense that she feels like a second-class citizen after moving back home if that's how she treats people. I'd avoid a person who does nothing but criticize me.
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Let's remember that these friends have been living their lives. She moved halfway across the country and placed herself in the midst of their lives, already in progress. It's unreasonable to expect them to change to suit your expectations.
She is the one that made a life-changing decision and it's up to her to create a delightful, satisfying life for herself. She says that she's happy about the move, but she has nothing positive to say about it.
I think she would do well if she saw a therapist, with the goal of deciding what she wants in her life and learning the skills she needs to have the life she wants and deserves.
HOME AGAIN
A.
You're right that it's up to each of us to create the life that we want. Sometimes the people or circumstances around us complicate that endeavor. But a change in perspective can do wonders.
Eight years ago, I moved back to my hometown, and I experienced a similarly rough reentry, where my expectations and my hopes weren't matching up with my lived experience. (I wrote about the journey in my fourth book, 'Congratulations, the Best Is Over!')
Through therapy, through modifying my own wants, and through finding new social outlets, I was able to see the city, and my life, in a new light. I wish the same for the letter writer.
R. Eric Thomas can be reached at
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