Dating in perimenopause can be be challenging. These are the conversations no one preps you for

Yahoo

03-07-2025

Lately, I've been struggling with my hormones — and not just the kind you feel when you're around someone attractive. At 42, I'm in the early stages of perimenopause: My cycles are erratic, my energy is up and down and my libido is unpredictable. And as someone who's also actively dating, I'm left wondering how to introduce my 'new self' to potential partners. How might I explain to someone that my desire isn't as 'automatic' anymore? That sometimes I am so tired and brain foggy that I need to go to bed before 9 p.m. because I can't function beyond the reach of my couch?
Whether it's mood swings, vaginal dryness or hormonal shifts that leave you exhausted before a dinner date, these physical and emotional shifts often impact our intimacy and dating lives in ways we rarely talk about.
'Perimenopause can present with a wide range of symptoms — hot flashes, disrupted sleep, joint pain, increased anxiety,' says Dr. Mindy Goldman, an OB/GYN and chief clinical officer at Midi Health. 'And often they're unpredictable. That can absolutely impact your confidence, especially when you're dating or forming a new connection.'
That sentiment is echoed by Kiana Reeves, a certified sex educator, embodiment and intimacy coach. 'These shifts can affect how connected we feel to our bodies, which can be very intimidating when dating or being intimate with someone new,' she explains.
According to Reeves, the psychological impact is real, too: 'If we've been taught to equate youth with desirability, it can be a real reckoning. I hear from so many women who feel like they're navigating uncharted territory without a map, and often, without support.'
So if women are having trouble understanding what's going on with their bodies, how can they communicate this new phase of life to a partner? We all know communication is crucial in relationships, so having these discussions is key. But where do we even begin?
If you're not feeling as frisky as you did in your 20s or 30s and you're struggling to articulate that to a new partner, it's important to first understand why. Hormonal fluctuations — especially in estrogen, progesterone and testosterone — can have a big impact on arousal and pleasure.
'Estrogen, progesterone and testosterone all fluctuate during perimenopause, and those shifts directly affect our sexual response system,' explains Reeves. 'Many women notice that arousal takes longer, orgasms feel different or desire isn't as spontaneous. What's often misunderstood is that this doesn't mean something is wrong. Our bodies are changing, yes, but with more attention, care and the right tools, we can experience just as much — if not more — pleasure.'
I've seen women come into their sexual power in their 40s and 50s with more depth and self-possession than ever before.Kiana Reeves, sex educator
Perimenopause can also affect a woman's sense of identity and confidence. Reeves emphasizes that these changes can stir up insecurity, especially around dating or being physically vulnerable with someone new.
'Perimenopause can challenge how we've previously defined ourselves sexually,' she says. 'But it can also be a portal to something more grounded, confidence that's rooted in self-knowledge, not external validation. I've seen women come into their sexual power in their 40s and 50s with more depth and self-possession than ever before.'
Which is why having conversations with yourself about your new phase in life is effective to have before having one with a partner. Reeves recommends breathwork, gentle somatic practices and putting your hands on your body to check in.
'Self-pleasure is also a beautiful tool for staying connected to your erotic self, especially without the pressure of performing,' she adds. 'And journaling can be incredibly powerful to explore what you're feeling and where desire lives now.'
Bringing these topics up with someone you're dating can feel vulnerable. However, honesty can also help you gauge someone's capacity for empathy and emotional maturity.
'You don't need a script,' Reeves says. 'Something like, 'I've been noticing changes in my body lately and figuring out how to navigate them. I want to be open with you about it,' sets the tone for trust and mutual respect. You don't have to go into every detail right away. Just sharing that this is part of your reality can open the door to deeper connection.'
Goldman says she often talks to her patients about what it feels like to have a hot flash come on mid-conversation, or to feel completely drained during a dinner date because you were up all night tossing and turning.
'These symptoms can make you feel like you're not yourself, which can be disorienting when you're trying to be open and vulnerable with someone new.' Her advice? 'You don't have to power through in silence. Sometimes a simple, confident explanation like, 'I'm in perimenopause, and this happens sometimes,' can ease the discomfort and even deepen the conversation.'
Bringing it up lightly can even help normalize the topic. 'Sometimes saying, 'Just a hot flash — one of the perks of perimenopause!' with a smile' can ease tension, according Goldman, who adds it helps show you're not embarrassed. 'If the relationship deepens, it's OK to share more. ... A supportive partner will respect your openness, and if they don't, that's information, too. You deserve relationships where you can be fully yourself — hot flashes and all.'
Perimenopause can also change the way we feel desire and experience sex. That's something many of us don't talk about enough, especially with new partners, and starting a new romance also means finding the words to talk about it.
Reeves recommends honesty and directness, without feeling you need to share every detail: 'You can say something simple like, 'I've been noticing some changes in my body and figuring out how to navigate them. I just want to be open with you about that.' That kind of directness sets the tone for trust and mutual respect.'
Reeves also recommends using 'I' language and speaking from your own experience. 'You might say something like, 'It helps me feel more into it when we take things a little slower — can we ease into it tonight?' or, 'I really like when we stay close for a bit after; it makes me feel more connected.' Keeping it honest, affirmative and low-pressure makes it easier for your partner to respond openly, and it turns the conversation into an opportunity for deeper intimacy rather than a correction or critique.'
The goal, she says, isn't to disclose everything all at once, but to create space for curiosity and collaboration. Other scripts she recommends include:
'I've been noticing some changes in my body lately, and I'm learning how to work with them in ways that feel good. I want to be open about that as we get to know each other.'
'Things like desire and arousal look a little different for me right now, but that doesn't mean they've gone away, just that I'm learning new ways in.'
'This stage of life comes with a learning curve, and I'm figuring out what pleasure and connection look like now. I'd love to be with someone who's open to exploring that with me.'
Ultimately, if someone new is entering your life, you have the right to be met with care and curiosity, Reeves notes: 'Desire doesn't expire with age; it evolves. And a partner who's worth your time will honour the full version of you, including what you're learning and navigating in this phase.'