My passive-aggressive in-laws are paying for my vacation. How do I survive the trip?
For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
This week, a reader's in-laws' passive-aggressive communication is causing conflict ahead of a family vacation.
Our columnist suggests a little willful obtuseness and taking them at their word — all while maintaining a good attitude.
Have a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love & Money,
I'm a direct person. I say what I mean and mean what I say. This approach has always worked for me. Even when my honesty upsets people, at least they know where they stand with me.
Except for with my husband's family. He and I had a whirlwind romance and got married within six months of meeting. I have no regrets, and every day I get to know my husband more, the better I feel about my choice. He is respectful, considerate, always shows up for his people, and loves me. What more could I want?
So far, his parents have been the only problem. I think they mean well, but they're very passive-aggressive. We have already clashed more in the short time I have known them than I have with anyone in my entire life.
They're paying for a family vacation this summer, and are already talking in circles about what they are paying for and how meals will work. I don't want to go. Their communication style makes me itchy. I can't imagine putting up with it for a week straight with a smile, especially since they're paying for everything. My husband wants to go, however, and I would do anything to make him happy. How do I survive this trip?
Sincerely,
Straight Shooter
Dear Straight Shooter,
I've found that the only way to effectively communicate with people who refuse to be honest and direct about their feelings, plans, and desires is to take everything they say as the gospel truth and hold them to it. We typically recognize when a person is talking around something or expecting you to read the subtext — or even worse, read their minds — but that doesn't make it our responsibility. If two people both speak the same language, the onus for being understood is on the communicator; the other person's only job is to listen.
This doesn't guarantee there won't be miscommunication and conflict. However, it'll give you something solid to work with — plus, plausible deniability if things go south. And hopefully, if your in-laws are held to their word long enough and often enough, they'll adjust their communication styles to reflect this.
I doubt this shift will happen in time for family vacation, however, so use the trip as an opportunity to try a little willful obtuseness on for size. For instance, if they spent the entire week singing the praises of a particular seafood restaurant they say they want to "take you out" to, but when the bill comes, they say "I guess we'll pay for your dinner too," just smile and say "thank you."
Of course, the difficulty with passive-aggressive people is that they often won't share essential information like preferences or plans. Maybe they don't want to do something you're excited about and ignore your attempts at consensus in hopes you take the hint. In cases such as these, you can't take them at their word because they aren't offering any words. As a newcomer to the family, I highly recommend you hang back and let your husband press the issue.
Families struggle with any change to the status quo, and new family members who arrive in a whirlwind romance are certainly no exception. For that person to immediately begin shifting the dynamic of their family away from their long-held tradition of passive-aggressive communication will likely infuriate them. This doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but go gently, and let their beloved son take the heat for it.
I also recommend that you and your new husband plan your own trip for a different time. Getting through a vacation that I have to assume will be poorly planned, considering the planners don't know how to communicate, will be much easier if you have another trip tailored to your interests, energy levels, and planning styles already on the books.
Finally, enjoy this free vacation with a good attitude. If you spend the whole time looking for examples of your in-laws' passive aggression, that's all you'll get to experience. As annoying as people like that can be, it's just a poor communication style. None of us enjoy being judged by our worst traits. I am sure your new in-laws have all kinds of redeeming qualities — they raised at least one of them into your dream guy. So, make a good impression by ignoring the nonsense, letting your husband handle the details, and focusing on their good parts. Especially that guy they raised.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
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My passive-aggressive in-laws are paying for my vacation. How do I survive the trip?
For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions. This week, a reader's in-laws' passive-aggressive communication is causing conflict ahead of a family vacation. Our columnist suggests a little willful obtuseness and taking them at their word — all while maintaining a good attitude. Have a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form. Dear For Love & Money, I'm a direct person. I say what I mean and mean what I say. This approach has always worked for me. Even when my honesty upsets people, at least they know where they stand with me. Except for with my husband's family. He and I had a whirlwind romance and got married within six months of meeting. I have no regrets, and every day I get to know my husband more, the better I feel about my choice. He is respectful, considerate, always shows up for his people, and loves me. What more could I want? So far, his parents have been the only problem. I think they mean well, but they're very passive-aggressive. We have already clashed more in the short time I have known them than I have with anyone in my entire life. They're paying for a family vacation this summer, and are already talking in circles about what they are paying for and how meals will work. I don't want to go. Their communication style makes me itchy. I can't imagine putting up with it for a week straight with a smile, especially since they're paying for everything. My husband wants to go, however, and I would do anything to make him happy. How do I survive this trip? Sincerely, Straight Shooter Dear Straight Shooter, I've found that the only way to effectively communicate with people who refuse to be honest and direct about their feelings, plans, and desires is to take everything they say as the gospel truth and hold them to it. We typically recognize when a person is talking around something or expecting you to read the subtext — or even worse, read their minds — but that doesn't make it our responsibility. If two people both speak the same language, the onus for being understood is on the communicator; the other person's only job is to listen. This doesn't guarantee there won't be miscommunication and conflict. However, it'll give you something solid to work with — plus, plausible deniability if things go south. And hopefully, if your in-laws are held to their word long enough and often enough, they'll adjust their communication styles to reflect this. I doubt this shift will happen in time for family vacation, however, so use the trip as an opportunity to try a little willful obtuseness on for size. For instance, if they spent the entire week singing the praises of a particular seafood restaurant they say they want to "take you out" to, but when the bill comes, they say "I guess we'll pay for your dinner too," just smile and say "thank you." Of course, the difficulty with passive-aggressive people is that they often won't share essential information like preferences or plans. Maybe they don't want to do something you're excited about and ignore your attempts at consensus in hopes you take the hint. In cases such as these, you can't take them at their word because they aren't offering any words. As a newcomer to the family, I highly recommend you hang back and let your husband press the issue. Families struggle with any change to the status quo, and new family members who arrive in a whirlwind romance are certainly no exception. For that person to immediately begin shifting the dynamic of their family away from their long-held tradition of passive-aggressive communication will likely infuriate them. This doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but go gently, and let their beloved son take the heat for it. I also recommend that you and your new husband plan your own trip for a different time. Getting through a vacation that I have to assume will be poorly planned, considering the planners don't know how to communicate, will be much easier if you have another trip tailored to your interests, energy levels, and planning styles already on the books. Finally, enjoy this free vacation with a good attitude. If you spend the whole time looking for examples of your in-laws' passive aggression, that's all you'll get to experience. As annoying as people like that can be, it's just a poor communication style. None of us enjoy being judged by our worst traits. I am sure your new in-laws have all kinds of redeeming qualities — they raised at least one of them into your dream guy. So, make a good impression by ignoring the nonsense, letting your husband handle the details, and focusing on their good parts. Especially that guy they raised. Rooting for you, For Love & Money Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
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