My passive-aggressive in-laws are paying for my vacation. How do I survive the trip?
This week, a reader's in-laws' passive-aggressive communication is causing conflict ahead of a family vacation.
Our columnist suggests a little willful obtuseness and taking them at their word — all while maintaining a good attitude.
Have a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love & Money,
I'm a direct person. I say what I mean and mean what I say. This approach has always worked for me. Even when my honesty upsets people, at least they know where they stand with me.
Except for with my husband's family. He and I had a whirlwind romance and got married within six months of meeting. I have no regrets, and every day I get to know my husband more, the better I feel about my choice. He is respectful, considerate, always shows up for his people, and loves me. What more could I want?
So far, his parents have been the only problem. I think they mean well, but they're very passive-aggressive. We have already clashed more in the short time I have known them than I have with anyone in my entire life.
They're paying for a family vacation this summer, and are already talking in circles about what they are paying for and how meals will work. I don't want to go. Their communication style makes me itchy. I can't imagine putting up with it for a week straight with a smile, especially since they're paying for everything. My husband wants to go, however, and I would do anything to make him happy. How do I survive this trip?
Sincerely,
Straight Shooter
Dear Straight Shooter,
I've found that the only way to effectively communicate with people who refuse to be honest and direct about their feelings, plans, and desires is to take everything they say as the gospel truth and hold them to it. We typically recognize when a person is talking around something or expecting you to read the subtext — or even worse, read their minds — but that doesn't make it our responsibility. If two people both speak the same language, the onus for being understood is on the communicator; the other person's only job is to listen.
This doesn't guarantee there won't be miscommunication and conflict. However, it'll give you something solid to work with — plus, plausible deniability if things go south. And hopefully, if your in-laws are held to their word long enough and often enough, they'll adjust their communication styles to reflect this.
I doubt this shift will happen in time for family vacation, however, so use the trip as an opportunity to try a little willful obtuseness on for size. For instance, if they spent the entire week singing the praises of a particular seafood restaurant they say they want to "take you out" to, but when the bill comes, they say "I guess we'll pay for your dinner too," just smile and say "thank you."
Of course, the difficulty with passive-aggressive people is that they often won't share essential information like preferences or plans. Maybe they don't want to do something you're excited about and ignore your attempts at consensus in hopes you take the hint. In cases such as these, you can't take them at their word because they aren't offering any words. As a newcomer to the family, I highly recommend you hang back and let your husband press the issue.
Families struggle with any change to the status quo, and new family members who arrive in a whirlwind romance are certainly no exception. For that person to immediately begin shifting the dynamic of their family away from their long-held tradition of passive-aggressive communication will likely infuriate them. This doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but go gently, and let their beloved son take the heat for it.
I also recommend that you and your new husband plan your own trip for a different time. Getting through a vacation that I have to assume will be poorly planned, considering the planners don't know how to communicate, will be much easier if you have another trip tailored to your interests, energy levels, and planning styles already on the books.
Finally, enjoy this free vacation with a good attitude. If you spend the whole time looking for examples of your in-laws' passive aggression, that's all you'll get to experience. As annoying as people like that can be, it's just a poor communication style. None of us enjoy being judged by our worst traits. I am sure your new in-laws have all kinds of redeeming qualities — they raised at least one of them into your dream guy. So, make a good impression by ignoring the nonsense, letting your husband handle the details, and focusing on their good parts. Especially that guy they raised.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Yahoo
10 hours ago
- Yahoo
Bride and Groom Go Viral for Sharing the Unconventional Things They Did for Their Wedding
From the bridal look to the guest count, the couple kept simplicity, community and love at the forefront NEED TO KNOW Hali Oduor and Nathan Mixon opted out of a number of wedding traditions, and tied the knot in a day perfectly catered to them They wed in an outdoor coastal ceremony in Kenya, where they also hosted a collection of special events before and after the ceremony From the bridal look to guest count, the couple kept simplicity, community and love at the forefront Hali Oduor and Nathan Mixon's intimate nuptials at Beach Palace in Malindi, Kenya, were perfectly tailored to them. While they chose to forgo several wedding customs — it's a decision they say they'd happily make again. "It was important to us that our wedding felt deeply personal and meaningful, something that truly reflected who we are as a couple," the bride and groom tell PEOPLE. "Every choice we made came back to that intention. We wanted the day to feel like us from start to finish, and to tell our story in a way that felt authentic. In the end, that meant choosing to do some things in an unconventional way, and we loved every bit of it." In a TikTok that's gained over 7 million views, Oduor listed all the things they'd opted out of, starting with a makeup artist: "because no one knows my face, or how I want to feel, better than me," Oduor wrote. Also regarding her bridal look, Oduor chose a neck scarf and a practical hairstyle — rather than a veil — to best fit the wedding's coastal setting. The ceremony was held outside, and the aisle was lined with an assortment of white flowers, per Brides. The guests' chairs were arranged in a semi-circle structure to "give the feeling of an embrace with our people, our community, as if they were hugging us throughout the ceremony." Oduor didn't carry a bouquet down the aisle, nor did a wedding party precede her entrance — the couple wanted their loved ones to "relax as guests," free from the unnecessary stress that sometimes comes with a big wedding party. They also shared their day with only 35 guests to keep the moment intimate. "All of our non-traditional choices were planned," Oduor says. "I chose not to carry a bouquet because I did not want to feel awkward or distracted walking down the aisle. I wanted to be fully in the moment, not worrying about my hands or who I would hand the bouquet to." She continues: "We also knew from the beginning that we wanted to write handwritten notes to each guest. With such a small wedding, we knew every single person there deeply and uniquely, and it was important to express how much they meant to us and the impact they each had on our lives. We thanked them not only for being part of the weekend but also for their support throughout our lives." Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. All those present at the ceremony also blessed the wedding rings. The couple passed the bands around for each guest to hold and "speak a blessing over them," and thus their union "felt covered by so much love." For the post-wedding festivities, Oduor wore her mother's wedding dress — one she could dance in, though she kept her neck scarf from her ceremony look. The couple shared a meal with their guests at one long table together, and everyone in attendance received a handwritten thank-you, rather than a wedding favor, which Oduor saw as much more meaningful. They also skipped the wedding cake, which "no one noticed." Though many couples head straight to the honeymoon after the wedding concludes, Oduor and Mixon continued the festivities with their guests so they could "spend more time with the people who showed up" for them. "I loved that we stayed true to ourselves in every decision," Oduor says. "The guest count felt perfect, even though we sometimes felt pressure to have a bigger wedding and extend more invitations. Having only the people who mattered most created a once-in-a-lifetime energy I will never forget. We will probably never have that exact group of people in one place again, which made it even more special." The bride adds: "Traditions can be beautiful, but they are not mandatory. The most magical moments come when you follow what feels right for you. If there is one day in your life that should feel entirely like you, it is your wedding." Read the original article on People Solve the daily Crossword
Business Insider
12 hours ago
- Business Insider
I spent one night in a new luxury hotel in Seattle for $450. My room had 4 surprising amenities I'd never seen before.
I spent one night at the Seattle location of the luxury hotel chain 1 Hotels. The Seattle location started taking reservations in May, and I stayed there during opening weekend. My $450-a-night room surprised me with unique amenities and creative sustainability practices. I was among the first to sleep in one particular room at 1 Hotel Seattle. As someone who has stayed in many upscale hotels around the world, I wasn't expecting to be blown away. I'm glad I was mistaken. The luxury hotel chain, which offers a starting rate of $400 a night, opened its Pacific Northwest location on May 6 — just four days before my one-night stay. My $450-a-night room blended nature and modern luxury in a way that calmed me after a day of exploring Seattle. But what really struck me were the details. From the outside, 1 Hotel Seattle looked like a typical hotel. According to the company's website, 1 Hotels is a decade-old luxury hotel brand centered on sustainability. "This isn't just another hotel — it's a place for travelers who care about where they stay, how they stay, and the impact they leave behind," the general manager, Rob Brandenberg, told Business Insider. As I approached the hotel, I thought the exterior was unassuming. It was in a shopping center next to a Whole Foods. Save for the entrance, the building looked plain to me. But once I stepped into the lobby, it was clear I'd booked a unique stay. Tree trunk tables, monsteras, and ferns decorated the lobby, which was complete with a soothing, nature-inspired soundtrack. Macramé chandeliers hung from the ceiling, and timber coated the walls. "The hotel draws from the raw beauty of the Pacific Northwest, with reclaimed wood, natural stone, moss-inspired art, and live-edge furnishings woven throughout the design," Brandenberg said. In addition to 153 rooms, the hotel had an on-site restaurant named La Loba, a lobby bar called Drift, a gift shop, a gym, an outdoor terrace, and meeting spaces. My 327-square-foot City King room felt like a peaceful sanctuary. My room looked modern and natural with a light, warm, and muted color palette. I noticed a headboard made of reclaimed wood, a tree-trunk nightstand, and a coat rack resembling a bare tree. The king-sized bed across from a 55-inch TV had organic linen sheets. The wardrobe, sitting area, and light fixtures had a midcentury modern look. The bathroom was just as calming. I watched TV through the window to the bedroom while soaking in the wood-based bathtub. I felt the stone pebble flooring beneath my feet in the rainfall shower. And I did my skincare routine on quartzite counters in front of a large blob mirror. I found amenities I'd never seen in a hotel room, like a robe that felt like a sweatshirt. I'm used to wrapping myself in the terry cloth robes provided at luxury hotels, so I was surprised to find a jersey knit robe with a hood hanging in my bathroom at 1 Hotel Seattle. While it didn't soak up moisture like a typical hotel robe, I found it far more comfortable. The jersey robe was as soft as a sweatshirt. The lining felt smooth against my skin. The room surprised me with a filtered tap. In my experience, most hotel rooms are stocked with plastic water bottles, but 1 Hotel Seattle had a more sustainable approach to hydration. On the bedside table, I found a carafe and two cups made of recycled wine bottles. The cups rested on a coaster with a message informing guests of the filtered tap in the bathroom. It felt luxurious to sip as much water as I needed from a thick, smooth glass instead of rationing a limited supply of complimentary water bottles. I also felt good about avoiding single-use plastics that are bad for the environment. I'd never seen bathroom amenities with alternative suggestions for use. In the bathroom, I found standard hotel amenities like cotton swabs and shower caps, but I was surprised by their packaging. Beneath each label was a list of other ways to use the item — ways I'd never thought about. Shower caps can be camera covers, shoe bags, or snack bowls. Cotton rounds can be coasters, and swabs can be keyboard cleaners. I was impressed by this clever touch, and I took note for future stays. On my way out, I realized the hotel had a unique and sustainable solution for overpackers. I almost missed the "1 Less Thing" plaque. On my way out, I noticed it on a shelf by the front door. The plaque said guests can leave unwanted clothing beneath it, and the hotel will donate the pile to a local shelter. Although I packed light and didn't use the plaque, it warmed my heart to think of all the overpackers who stay at 1 Hotel Seattle and will have the opportunity to give back with this convenient program. These surprises made me think that 1 Hotels takes sustainable travel to a new level with creative approaches. I hope other hotels are inspired to do the same.
Yahoo
17 hours ago
- Yahoo
One Couple Planned a Beachfront Ceremony and a Jungle-Inspired Reception for Their Destination Wedding in Mexico
"We chose somewhere that our friends and family could make into a vacation,' one bride says. Fate has a funny way of putting the person we're meant to be with in front of us as the perfect moment. Hilary Hamm and María Siller, who goes by Maru, are proof of that. The two, who both attended graduate school at Columbia University, first met in May of 2019 when Maru was just weeks away from graduating and returning home to México. Mutual friends set them up just in time, and the two enjoyed a first date that last over eight hours. Four years later, the couple knew they were ready for their next step. "Gay engagements are the best because there are no rules. We decided we both wanted to propose, and I told Maru I wanted to go first," Hilary recalls. In October of 2023, she popped the question at their favorite restaurant in Brooklyn, surprising Maru with a heartfelt proposal surrounded by flowers and candles; later, both their families joined them to celebrate. Six months later, in April of 2024, Maru orchestrated a proposal of her own, creating a city-wide scavenger hunt that ended in their new apartment in Dumbo. Hilary walked inside to find hundreds of candles and Maru down on one knee. Knowing that a number of their guests would have to travel to attend wedding no matter where it took place, the brides-to-be decided to make their nuptials a weekend-long celebration. Their chosen locale? Imanta Resorts in Punta Mita, Mexico, a 12-bedroom resort tucked into the jungle with private access to a hidden beach. 'We chose somewhere that our friends and family could make into a vacation,' Hilary says. The privacy of their venue allowed them to host a deeply personal celebration that honored Maru's Mexican culture, Hilary's Jewish background, and the significance of their nuptials being the first gay wedding many of their 270 guests would attend. 'With guests traveling from conservative communities in México and Oklahoma, we saw the weekend as an opportunity to lead with pride, warmth, and authenticity and to show what a beautiful, inclusive love story can look like,' Hilary explains. To bring their vision to life, Hilary and Maru worked with Peter de Anda, who designed and planned their weekend, including a rehearsal dinner, welcome party, and wedding on the beach. Read on to see how photographer EFEGE captured every detail of the couple's wedding weekend in Punta Mita—from the mirrored glass aisle and greenery-draped arches to the intimate cultural touches—on January 19, 2025. Related: Why Couples Are Incorporating Wellness Practices Into Their Wedding Weekends—And 11 of the Most Popular Ones Although rehearsal dinners are not traditionally part of a Mexican wedding, it was important to Hilary to have one so that loved ones could give speeches. The brides invited their closest guests to Zicaleta on January 17, 2025. 'My mom, dad, sister, and best friend Megan had all planned to give speeches, while no one from Maru's family had fully committed to speaking,' Hilary says. 'But then, in a moment that completely surprised us, Maru's mom, sister, twin brother, and older brother each stood up to speak. There wasn't a dry eye in the room!' The pre-nuptial party had a cocktail attire dress code, so Hilary wore a midi skirt and strapless top with a sweetheart neckline and Maru wore a crochet dress with a sweetheart neckline and side cut-outs, both from PatBo. They hung rattan pendant lamps and string lights from the ceiling and went with a tropical tablescape featuring lush greenery runners and red floral centerpieces. The next day, Hilary and Maru invited guests to Conrad Hotel for a welcome party. 'We decided to flip the traditional color scheme for the day and asked our guests to wear white while we wore vibrant, colorful looks,' Hilary says. She wore a multicolored beaded dress from Staud while Maru wore a fringe maxi skirt with a matching crop top from PatBo. The couple chose bold and colorful décor for their welcome party, including a pink checkerboard painted bar, vibrant florals, and colorful banners of 'papel picado,' a traditional Mexican decorative craft. Guests enjoyed traditional Mexican games and a surprise choreographed dance by Hilary's friends to 'Despacito' and 'Hips Don't Lie.' 'Their goal was to get the dance floor going, and it worked,' Hilary laughs. 'The energy shifted from laid-back sunset vibes to a full-on party that went late into the night.' Once the dancing started, a saxophonist joined the party and guests decorated each other with neon body paint to keep the evening's energy up. On the morning of their wedding, Hilary and Maru shared an intimate and emotional first look. 'It felt like a powerful reflection of everything it took for us to get to that moment,' Maru says. When they first met, Hilary didn't envision getting married. Over recent years, she says she came across more visible examples of gay weddings that shifted her mindset entirely. 'Ultimately, we hope our wedding does the same for other queer people,' Maru says. When she first went wedding dress shopping, Hilary fell in love with an off-the-shoulder Monique Lhuillier gown with an English rose print. 'This floral dress, with its structured bodice and unique draping, felt completely me," she says. 'I hadn't seen anything like it, and I loved how romantic it felt.' She accessorized with her grandmother's wedding ring, diamond and sapphire earrings and a diamond tennis bracelet that were gifts from her mom, and another diamond tennis bracelet she borrowed from her sister. Maru wanted to wear a pre-loved wedding dress, and she fell in love with a lace gown from Marchesa at a local store in Monetrray, Mexico, that came recommended by a friend. 'They say you experience that 'this is the one' feeling when wedding dress shopping. I definitely felt that with this dress,' Maru says. 'I FaceTimed my mom in the dress, and we all started crying together. It was a beautiful feeling.' As a nod to her parents, Maru wore the ring her mom received from her dad in honor their 25th wedding anniversary, which he gave her the year before he passed away. Given the couple's beach wedding location, she knew she wanted her hair up, so her stylist gave her a low bun with face-framing bangs. 'Then he added two real white orchids to my hair,' she says, 'I loved it!' Hilary's bouquet was inspired by the English rose design on her wedding dress, while Maru carried a more colorful arrangement of blooms. The couple's ceremony took place on the beach, where a custom platform draped in white fabric was built; from their seats, guests were able to see and hear the crashing waves of the ocean. The mirrored aisle was lined with white and green flowers and sculptural arches were covered in succulents and white blooms to create a chuppah over top the brides. Hilary and Maru also opted to add tasseled umbrellas over guests' seats to keep everyone cool beneath the Mexican sun. When the ceremony began, Maru's mom walked her down the aisle; then, Hilary's parents accompanied her down the aisle. 'We had a live band, Soul by Carranza, sing 'The Only Exception' by Paramore as we walked down the aisle,' Maru says. 'This was the song playing in the background while Hilary proposed to me.' They incorporated Jewish traditions into their ceremony as a way to honor Hilary's background, including having the rabbi wrap them in a tallit (or prayer shawl) and asking Maru's cousin to sign their ketubah. The couple's siblings and parents were also asked to each read one of the seven blessings. When Maru read her personal vows, Hilary says she couldn't help but chuckle throughout. 'As soon as I began my vows, it all made sense: Without comparing notes, we had both structured them the same way, starting with our many nicknames for each other, revisiting the same special memories from our relationship, and even naming the exact same moment when we each knew we wanted to get married,' she recalls. 'It was unintentionally perfect, and made the vows feel even more connected and true to us.' Related: How to Write Your Own Wedding Vows—Plus, 30 Examples from Real Couples After the ceremony concluded, the newlyweds celebrated back up the aisle to the band's live rendition of 'Kiss Me' by Sixpence None the Richer. The couple offered not one, not a few, but eight different signature cocktails, which included unique options like a pineapple jalapeño martini, a St. Germain spritz, and an espresso martini. 'We also featured a tequila and mezcal tasting bar showcasing rare and artisanal varieties,' Maru says. 'In true Mexican tradition, these were paired with a selection of edible insects, creating a memorable experience for our guests.' To create their beachfront reception, the couple's planning team had a multi-elevation platform draped in white fabric created to fit the space. "We wanted to create something as dramatic as the coastal backdrop. We envisioned a ceremony overlooking the ocean, and a reception where the waves came crashing against the platform as the tide came in through the evening," Hilary says. "We also wanted to extend the jungle onto the beach and bring guests' eyes upward." To that end, their florist created oversized arches covered in ferns, mosses, vines, and other greenery, mimicking the look of the nearby jungle and creating a natural boundary around the space. A green and white checkerboard dance floor anchored the reception space and coordinated well with a hand-painted green bar and DJ booth. A mix of long and round dinner tables were arranged throughout the space, all surrounded by white woven chairs. The brides chose ivory linens for their tables and had each decorated with plenty of candles and lush, loose garden-style centerpieces. Hilary and Maru came up with a creative way to prioritize fun throughout the night: "At each table, one guest received a custom letter along with a bottle of tequila or tamarind vodka, naming them the 'Capitán de Mesa,' or table captain,' Maru says. 'Their job was to lead the table in celebratory shots throughout the night.' A coastal Mexican-inspired dinner menu was on offer; guests started with local fruits and cheeses and ended with molten chocolate lava cake and dulce de leche cheesecake. Guests (and the couple!) were also treated to a spectacular surprise. 'The sunset during dinner was unreal,' Hilary remembers. 'The sky was soft pinks and oranges for the entire dinner while our band, Soul by Carranza, played an emotional set with songs like 'Holocene'.' After dinner, DJ Santi got everyone on the dance floor with a mix of reggaeton, electronic, and pop music. Hilary shared a special father-daughter dance to 'My Girl' by The Temptations and Maru danced with her mom to 'I'm Alive' by Celine Dion. 'Maru and her mom chose this song as a celebration of life, love, and the memory of her father who passed away a decade ago,' Hilary shares. 'Midway through the song, she brought her three siblings onto the dance, turning it into a deeply emotional family moment that left us all in tears.' Hilary and Maru had their first dance to 'Your Bones' by Chelsea Cutler. 'In classic Jewish tradition, we also did the Hora right after our first dances,' Hilary says. 'There's nothing more exhilarating than being lifted in a chair. Our moms also got to experience it before the song ended." Since Hilary and Maru knew their wedding reception would stretch late into the night, they wanted their guests to be well cared for. They offered everyone slippers and personalized water bottles at the start of the reception. Late-night snacks were also offered throughout the party: At 10 PM, everyone was treated to tamales; then, at 1 AM, guests dug into chilaquiles. Related: A Hydration Station Is the One Thing Your Summer Wedding Is Missing—Here's How to Create One The couple's two-tiered cookies and cream wedding cake was decorated with fresh flowers that matched their centerpieces. The brides used their cake cutting as an opportunity to change into their second looks of the day: Hilary chose a tulle A-Line gown from Galia Lahav. 'I wanted something fun, easy to dance in, and perfect for the party portion of the night,' she says. Maru changed into a Fleur du Mal silk corset with matching tuxedo pants paired with a Krismil Bridal cape, which she fell in love with when she saw it on another bride on Instagram. 'I ordered it right away, and as soon as it arrived, I tried it on. I loved it instantly,' she said, 'It made me feel comfortable, confident, sexy, and strong.' When the DJ played Beyonce's 'Texas Hold 'Em,' Hilary and Maru's friends surrounded them in Dallas Cowboys jerseys and hats. 'They surprised us by placing custom 'Brides' Cowboys jerseys and hats on us, creating an unforgettable moment that honored my love for the Cowboys and Hilary's roots in rural Oklahoma,' Maru says. When the wedding started to wind down around three in the morning, Maru asked their DJ to play their first dance song again. 'We danced in the middle of the floor, while our friends and family formed a circle around us, everyone crying and holding each other,' Hilary says, 'It felt like time stood still. That spontaneous moment perfectly captured the whole weekend.' Hilary and Maru spent their honeymoon exploring Australia, New Zealand, and Bora Bora. For couples planning a destination wedding, Hilary and Maru recommend taking off work early to acclimate and be fully present. 'Hire a concierge team to communicate with guests regarding the wedding (invitations, flights, hotels, time and location of events) so that you're free to focus on the bigger pieces,' Hilary suggests. Real Weddings Credits Wedding Photographer and Videographer EFEGE Wedding Planning, Design, Rentals, and Favors Peter de Anda Wedding Venue Imanta Resorts Rehearsal Dinner Venue Zicaleta Hair and Makeup Ti Modella Officiant Rabbi Melissa Buyer-Witman Flowers Amato Studio Art and Floral House Invitations and Guest Communications She Said Web Music Soul by Carranza, DJ Santi Catering iLatina Cake Sweet Atelier Content Creator Maria Andonie Up Next: How to Plan the Ultimate Destination Wedding Read the original article on Brides Solve the daily Crossword
