Don't worry about being too soft on your kids, Ivy League-trained psychologist says: Compassion won't make them 'snowflakes'
When a child throws a full-blown tantrum over a minor setback, you might be tempted to respond with tough love.
But the key to raising kids who grow up to be mentally strong, resilient adults is to treat them with compassion, rather than chastising them for over-reacting, according to child psychologist Becky Kennedy.
"It's almost like we view compassion as dangerous," Kennedy, who has a PhD in clinical psychology from Columbia University, said on an April 22 episode of her parenting podcast "Good Inside." "When [kids] are having a big reaction to something we deem to be a small, childish thing, we think that compassion is going to lead to kids being soft, being snowflakes."
Kennedy "thought these things myself" about her own three children when they were toddlers, she said. But when a young child's disappointment leads to a tantrum, a parent's criticism can actually make the overreaction worse, she said: "If I add my criticism, my invalidation, the feeling just gets bigger. It's so counterproductive."
Instead, Kennedy recommended acknowledging your child's disappointment with calm, supportive statements like, "'It makes sense. You're upset ... That is real. And I know you're going to get through it.'"
Validating language can help kids feel understood, especially when they're struggling or upset. You can even use it to discourage future emotional meltdowns: "Parents can use phrases like: "'It's OK to feel upset, but not OK to act this way,'" psychotherapist Amy Morin wrote for CNBC Make It in December.
"It shows them that feelings like anger or sadness are normal, but it's not OK to disrupt or hurt others," Morin added, noting that parents can teach kids alternative ways of coping with big feelings, like taking deep breaths or naming their emotions. "Controlling how emotions are expressed is a key skill they'll need for life's inevitable ups and downs."
Mentally resilient adults tend to have self-compassion. Parents can help establish that skill from an early age, said Kennedy.
"A parent's voice becomes a child's self-talk," Kennedy said. If parents invalidate or criticize their child's distress, that kid is more likely to react to a setback as an adult with self-criticism, rather than reflecting on what went wrong and trying to figure out the best way forward.
"[That] is only going to make it more difficult for them to find their feet, find their confidence, find their self-trust, find their resilience, and actually move on and figure out what they want to do next," said Kennedy.
Teaching your children how to show themselves compassion can help ensure that, as they age, they'll be better equipped to handle setbacks without spiraling into negativity.
"Compassion is a huge part of self-regulation," said Kennedy, adding: "When we berate ourselves, ironically, that makes us so much softer, because we're not able to deal with the feeling [and] it lasts longer and gets even bigger."
Self-compassion makes both children and adults more motivated to learn new things, and to change their behavior to avoid repeating past mistakes, according to research from psychologist and University of Texas at Austin associate professor Kristin Neff.
"Compassion after failure makes people more likely to persevere and try again as compared to those who self-criticize," Kennedy said, referencing Neff's research. "Also, self-compassion helps people take responsibility for mistakes without spiraling into shame. That's huge."
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