Tim Dowling: a rake has it in for me
'Oh no,' my wife says when we get to the park. I look across the open expanse and see what she sees.
'Picnics,' I say. Under every tree, in every square foot of available shade, people are sitting on blankets with food spread in front of them.
'An absolute minefield,' my wife says. 'I should have thought of this.'
To be fair, the dog has never disrupted a picnic in progress, causing the sort of mayhem my wife and I are both very good at imagining. That's because the dog has never been allowed anywhere near a picnic.
We keep the dog on the lead until we are safely across some baked playing fields, taking a wide route that affords no shade and makes the walk twice as long as we'd anticipated.
When we get home, drained and listless, I find the tortoise on his back in the garden again, legs flapping helplessly. Like the summer heat, the tortoise going upside down used to be a once-every-four-years event, but this is the second time it's happened in six weeks. I think: how careless can one animal be? I set the tortoise back on his feet, and promptly step on a rake.
To be fair, I was heading for the rake on purpose – it was leaning against the house and I was intending to put it away. But as I approach I fail to notice the tines are facing outward, and put my foot on them. The handle flies past my outstretched fingers and thwacks me in the face.
'Ow,' I say, feeling my upper lip, which has already begun to swell. Flinging the rake into the bushes by the back door, I am reminded that slapstick is the purest form of humiliation – simple and total. I resolve to tell no one about this episode.
'I just stepped on a rake, like in a cartoon,' I say to the middle one five minutes later.
'Really?' he says, not looking up from his laptop.
'A once-in-a-lifetime act of stupidity,' I say, although I recall the same thing happening to me about three years ago. At least it was dark that time.
'I guess the lesson is, put the rake away,' he says.
'I was putting the rake away,' I say.
The next morning my wife suggests a walk in a place she is sure will be free of picnics. 'And it's on the way to the dump,' she says.
We drive to a car park at the very edge of the borough, alongside a remote skateboard park patronised exclusively by men over 30.
'What's that about?' my wife says.
'Dunno,' I say. 'Some restraining order-based initiative, maybe.'
Beyond the skate park lies a small, empty field, recently mowed.
Sign up to Inside Saturday
The only way to get a look behind the scenes of the Saturday magazine. Sign up to get the inside story from our top writers as well as all the must-read articles and columns, delivered to your inbox every weekend.
after newsletter promotion
'On my phone it looks like it goes on for miles,' my wife says. But in front of us we can only see a couple of acres. We cross the field to a line of trees and follow a narrow path overgrown with brambles and nettles, emerging at a gurgling stream spanned by an improvised bridge of garbage: an old tyre, a partially burnt log and two of those long rubber feet used to support temporary fencing.
'What now?' I say.
'We cross,' my wife says.
Beyond the stream we find a vast space reclaimed by wilderness: stubby trees, wildflowers, wetlands full of ducks and herons.
We can see nothing beyond this oasis but tall buildings in the distance. There are no other people. The dog zips through the tall grass, leaving zigzagged indentations.
'It's amazing,' my wife says.
'And so handy for the dump,' I say.
Back at home, the dog stretches out on the cool kitchen floor, exhausted. I go to open the garden door, only to find it jammed. The handle of the rake is leaning against it on the other side, wedged into the corner of the glass pane, holding it shut.
I think: this rake really has it in for me. I force the door open a few inches and squeeze past.
At the other end of the rake I find the tortoise, his back leg trapped between two tines. Evidently he was ambling past, caught his foot and pulled the rake over against the door.
'I can't help feeling this is partly my fault,' I say, freeing his trapped foot. The tortoise gives me a look that says: this is all your fault.
I guess the lesson is, put the rake away.
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Daily Mail
3 hours ago
- Daily Mail
From lamb and feta rolls to berry turnovers – 8 sweet and savoury puff pastry recipes
COURGETTE AND GOAT'S CHEESE TART I love making this tart in the summer and serving it alongside a big salad. It tastes even better once cooled, so this is a great dish to make ahead or pack for a picnic. 320g sheet of puff pastry 1 egg, beaten 125g ricotta 125g soft goat's cheese zest and juice of ½ lemon 200g courgette, thinly sliced 2 garlic cloves, minced ½ tsp chilli flakes 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil 30g pistachios, roughly chopped honey, to drizzle salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste 1 Preheat the oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6 and line a baking tray with baking parchment. 2 Unroll the puff pastry sheet on the lined baking tray and, with a sharp knife, score a 2cm border all the way round the sheet, being careful not to cut right through. Brush all over with the beaten egg, then transfer to the oven to bake for an initial 10 minutes. 3 Mix the ricotta and goat's cheese together until smooth, then season to taste with the lemon juice, salt and pepper. Toss the courgette with the lemon zest, garlic, chilli flakes, olive oil and a pinch of salt. 4 Remove the pastry from the oven and use a spoon to gently press down the middle where it has puffed up. Spread the goat's cheese mix over the centre then arrange the courgette slices over the top. Spoon any leftover oil from the courgette over the top, then put back in the oven for 20-30 minutes until it turns golden. 5 Scatter over the chopped pistachios, drizzle with honey, then serve. ANCHOVY, ONION AND TOMATO TART This tart has all the classic flavours of a pissaladière niçoise, except with the addition of tomatoes. You can replace the anchovies with capers, if you would rather. 200g medium tomatoes on the vine, thinly sliced 320g sheet of puff pastry 1 egg, beaten ½ onion, very thinly sliced 80g anchovy fillets, drained 50g pitted black olives 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste 10g fresh chives, finely chopped, to serve 1 Preheat the oven to 200C/ 180C fan/gas 6 and line a baking tray with parchment. 2 Lay the tomato slices on some kitchen paper and sprinkle generously with salt. Leave for 10-15 minutes for the salt to release some of their liquid. 3 Unroll the puff pastry on the lined baking tray and use a small knife to score an approximately 2cm border right round the sheet, being careful not to cut all the way through. 4 Brush all over with the beaten egg, then lay the onion and tomato slices over the top. Arrange the anchovies in a crisscross pattern, adding the olives evenly in the gaps. Drizzle over the olive oil and transfer to the oven to cook for 20-25 minutes until golden brown. Sprinkle the chives over the cooked tart, season with salt and black pepper, and serve. HALLOUMI AND MANGO CHUTNEY PARCELS These sweet and salty halloumi dippers are so moreish, they are guaranteed to go down a treat at any party. Don't forget to be generous with the mango chutney – and serve with extra for dipping, too. 2 x 225g blocks of halloumi 320g sheet of puff pastry 4 tbsp mango chutney 1 egg, beaten 1 tbsp nigella or cumin seeds 1 Preheat the oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6. Line a baking tray with baking parchment. 2 Cut each halloumi block into eight sticks. Unroll the puff pastry and cut it into four long strips, then cut each strip into four squares. Add a little mango chutney to each square, then turn them so you are looking at a diamond rather than a square. Add a halloumi stick to the centre of each one, then pull the pastry up, twisting round to seal. 3 Place on the baking tray and brush with the beaten egg, then sprinkle over the nigella or cumin seeds. Bake in the oven for 20-25 minutes until golden. Serve immediately, while the halloumi is hot. LAMB AND FETA ROLLS These spicy bites are another great twist on a classic. Go with halloumi instead of feta if you prefer. 300g lamb mince 200g feta, crumbled ½ a small red onion, finely chopped 2 tbsp harissa paste 1 tbsp dried mint 1 tsp ground cumin 1 tsp ground coriander 320g sheet of puff pastry 1 egg, beaten 1 tbsp coriander seeds, crushed salt, to taste 1 Preheat the oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6 and line a baking tray with baking parchment. 2 Add the lamb mince, feta, red onion, harissa, mint, cumin and coriander to a mixing bowl and combine well with your hands. Season with a generous pinch of salt. 3 Unroll the puff pastry sheet and cut it in half lengthways so you have two long strips. Using your hands, spread half the lamb mix in a cylinder shape along the middle of one of the pastry strips. Brush the edge closest to you with the beaten egg, then lift the other pastry edge over the meat to meet the egg-moistened edge, pressing a fork along the full length to seal the two. Repeat with the remaining pastry strip. 4 Cut each long sausage into eight mini ones, then gently lift them on to the lined baking tray. Brush all with the beaten egg, then sprinkle over the coriander seeds. Transfer to the oven and bake for 30-35 minutes until golden. FISH EN CROUTE A great weeknight dinner that feels fancy yet comes together really quickly. Use good-quality fish and serve with buttered peas on the side. MAKES 2 (to serve 2 or 4, depending how hungry) 100g baby spinach 320g sheet of puff pastry 100g garlic-and-herb soft cheese (for example Boursin) 2 chunky cod fillets, approximately 160g each juice of ½ a lemon a small handful of fresh basil, leaves picked 1 egg, beaten salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste 1 Preheat the oven to 180C/160C fan/gas 4 and line a baking tray with baking parchment. 2 Add the spinach to a colander in the sink. Boil the kettle then pour the water over the spinach to wilt the leaves. Run them under cold water to cool, then drain and squeeze out as much liquid as you can. 3 Unroll the puff pastry and cut lengthways into two strips, making one 1cm bigger than the other. Cut each strip in half so you have four rectangles. 4 Spread the garlic-and-herb cheese over the centre of the two smaller puff pastry squares, leaving a 2cm border right round the edge. Top each smaller square with the spinach, then the fish. Squeeze over the lemon juice, season with salt and pepper and add a few basil leaves on top of the fish, then place the slightly larger pieces of pastry on top and press the edges down with a fork to seal. 5 Make three small incisions in the top of both parcels, then transfer to the baking tray. Brush all over with the beaten egg and bake in the oven for 20-25 minutes until golden. COCONUT AND PASSION FRUIT VOL-AU-VENTS These sweet vol-au-vents are made using simple ingredients and can be adapted to suit whatever fruit is in season. 320g sheet of puff pastry 1 egg, beaten 200g double cream 400g thick Greek yogurt 2 tbsp runny honey 1 tbsp vanilla-bean paste 6 passion fruit 30g toasted coconut chips 1 Preheat the oven to 180C/160C fan/gas 4 and line a baking tray with baking parchment. 2 To make the vol-au-vents, unroll the puff pastry and cut lengthways into three long strips. Cut each strip into four squares, then, with a knife, score a smaller square inside each square, leaving a ½cm border right round the square – take care not to cut all the way through. Place them on the baking tray, brush with the beaten egg and bake in the oven for 15 minutes until golden and puffed-up. 3 Meanwhile, mix the cream and yogurt together, then fold through the honey and vanilla-bean paste. Cut the passion fruit in half and scoop out the pulp. 4 Remove the vol-au-vents from the oven and leave to cool completely. With a knife remove the middle piece of pastry from each one and discard, taking care to keep the base intact. 5 Fill the vol-au-vents with the yogurt mix, spooning over some passion-fruit pulp. Finish with the toasted coconut chips and serve. 'NDUJA AND PARMESAN TWISTS A spicy spin on a classic cheese twist. Best enjoyed with a cold beer in the sun! MAKES 12 320g sheet of puff pastry 75g 'nduja (or less if you'd prefer them not too spicy) 30g parmesan, finely grated zest of ½ lemon 1 egg, beaten 1 Preheat the oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6 and line a baking tray with baking parchment. 2 Unroll the puff pastry and spread the 'nduja all over. Sprinkle over the parmesan and zest of the lemon, then fold the sheet in half as if you're closing a book. Cut into 12 strips, then twist each one a few times and put on to a lined baking tray. 3 Brush with the beaten egg and transfer to the oven to cook for 20-25 minutes until crisp and golden. BERRY TURNOVERS These are so versatile. You can use whatever berries and citrus you have to hand and experiment with adding herbs and spices too, if you like. Frozen or fresh berries work equally well here, so you can enjoy these delicious turnovers all year round. 240g berries of choice 20g caster sugar zest of 1 lemon 320g sheet of puff pastry 1 egg, beaten 2 tbsp demerara sugar 1 Preheat the oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6 and line a baking tray with baking parchment. 2 Mix the berries, sugar and lemon zest together in a bowl, mashing slightly with a fork. 3 Unroll the puff pastry and roll it out slightly to make it a bit bigger. Cut the pastry in half lengthways, then cut each strip into three. Divide the berry mixture between the six squares of pastry, spooning into the middle. Brush the pastry around the berries with the beaten egg, then lift one corner and fold over to make a triangle, pressing down along the edges gently to seal. Lift gently on to the baking tray, then repeat to make six pies in total. 4 Make a small incision on the top of each pastry, then brush all over with the egg. Sprinkle the demerara over the top, then transfer to the oven and bake for 20–25 minutes until golden. Allow to cool slightly before serving. NOW BUY THE BOOK Our recipes are taken from Puff It Up by Caitlin Macdonald, with photographs by Luke Albert (Quadrille, £16.99). To order a copy for £14.44 until 20 July, go to or call 020 3176 2937. Free UK delivery on orders over £25.
The Guardian
5 hours ago
- The Guardian
Tim Dowling: a rake has it in for me
On a weekend afternoon, with the temperature nudging 30C, my wife and I take the dog for a walk. Neither of us wants to go, so we go together, and agree to keep it short. 'Oh no,' my wife says when we get to the park. I look across the open expanse and see what she sees. 'Picnics,' I say. Under every tree, in every square foot of available shade, people are sitting on blankets with food spread in front of them. 'An absolute minefield,' my wife says. 'I should have thought of this.' To be fair, the dog has never disrupted a picnic in progress, causing the sort of mayhem my wife and I are both very good at imagining. That's because the dog has never been allowed anywhere near a picnic. We keep the dog on the lead until we are safely across some baked playing fields, taking a wide route that affords no shade and makes the walk twice as long as we'd anticipated. When we get home, drained and listless, I find the tortoise on his back in the garden again, legs flapping helplessly. Like the summer heat, the tortoise going upside down used to be a once-every-four-years event, but this is the second time it's happened in six weeks. I think: how careless can one animal be? I set the tortoise back on his feet, and promptly step on a rake. To be fair, I was heading for the rake on purpose – it was leaning against the house and I was intending to put it away. But as I approach I fail to notice the tines are facing outward, and put my foot on them. The handle flies past my outstretched fingers and thwacks me in the face. 'Ow,' I say, feeling my upper lip, which has already begun to swell. Flinging the rake into the bushes by the back door, I am reminded that slapstick is the purest form of humiliation – simple and total. I resolve to tell no one about this episode. 'I just stepped on a rake, like in a cartoon,' I say to the middle one five minutes later. 'Really?' he says, not looking up from his laptop. 'A once-in-a-lifetime act of stupidity,' I say, although I recall the same thing happening to me about three years ago. At least it was dark that time. 'I guess the lesson is, put the rake away,' he says. 'I was putting the rake away,' I say. The next morning my wife suggests a walk in a place she is sure will be free of picnics. 'And it's on the way to the dump,' she says. We drive to a car park at the very edge of the borough, alongside a remote skateboard park patronised exclusively by men over 30. 'What's that about?' my wife says. 'Dunno,' I say. 'Some restraining order-based initiative, maybe.' Beyond the skate park lies a small, empty field, recently mowed. Sign up to Inside Saturday The only way to get a look behind the scenes of the Saturday magazine. Sign up to get the inside story from our top writers as well as all the must-read articles and columns, delivered to your inbox every weekend. after newsletter promotion 'On my phone it looks like it goes on for miles,' my wife says. But in front of us we can only see a couple of acres. We cross the field to a line of trees and follow a narrow path overgrown with brambles and nettles, emerging at a gurgling stream spanned by an improvised bridge of garbage: an old tyre, a partially burnt log and two of those long rubber feet used to support temporary fencing. 'What now?' I say. 'We cross,' my wife says. Beyond the stream we find a vast space reclaimed by wilderness: stubby trees, wildflowers, wetlands full of ducks and herons. We can see nothing beyond this oasis but tall buildings in the distance. There are no other people. The dog zips through the tall grass, leaving zigzagged indentations. 'It's amazing,' my wife says. 'And so handy for the dump,' I say. Back at home, the dog stretches out on the cool kitchen floor, exhausted. I go to open the garden door, only to find it jammed. The handle of the rake is leaning against it on the other side, wedged into the corner of the glass pane, holding it shut. I think: this rake really has it in for me. I force the door open a few inches and squeeze past. At the other end of the rake I find the tortoise, his back leg trapped between two tines. Evidently he was ambling past, caught his foot and pulled the rake over against the door. 'I can't help feeling this is partly my fault,' I say, freeing his trapped foot. The tortoise gives me a look that says: this is all your fault. I guess the lesson is, put the rake away.
The Sun
14 hours ago
- The Sun
The five household items that will keep pesky flies out of your home – clever hack with your fan is just the start
NOW that summer has officially arrived and the temperatures have gone up, many homeowners may have noticed more and more flies appearing in their houses. This is because this is the time of year that pesky bugs love the most, as the warmer, brighter days boost their energy levels. 5 5 The start of summer marks the start of their mating season and they can all emerge at once to begin reproducing. Not to mention, there is also increased food availability, meaning they are often on the search for a tasty snack. So it's no wonder that homeowners across the country will be trying all different tips and tricks to keep them at bay. But luckily, you don't have to spend a fortune on professional products to banish flies from your home. Property experts have revealed that five common household items can help keep your home pest-free. Paul Gibbens, property pro at said they work wonders for the home during warmer months. He said: "The summer heat creates perfect conditions for flies to multiply rapidly. 'What most homeowners don't know is that simple items already in their homes can help deter flies better than expensive products. "The key to keeping flies out is consistency. Use these methods together for best results, particularly during July and August when fly populations reach their peak in British homes." Stressing the importance of basic hygiene, he added: "Keep food covered, clean up spills immediately, and empty bins regularly. These simple habits make your home much less attractive to flies in the first place." 'These miracle bags should be in every home,' says mum who created a cheap hack to prevent flies from entering your home 1. Apple cider vinegar and cling film This combination works wonders in catching flies in the home and stopping them from travelling from room to room. All you need to do is fill a glass with apple cider vinegar, then cover it with cling film and poke holes in the top. The flies will smell the sweet, fermented scent and try to get to it by entering through the small holes. However, they will get confused trying to find their way out and will end up stuck inside the cling film. The experts also added that this mixture works best when placed in areas where flies gather most frequently, such as near fruit bowls or bin areas. 2. Citrus peels Most people throw away their lemon, lime, and orange peels - but did you know they can help get rid of flies? The fruit peels contain d-limonene, which naturally repels the pesky critters. So before you go tossing them in the bin, rub the pells along areas like windowsills, as this will create a barrier that flies won't cross. Or, even better, leave them in small bowls around the house. This method works particularly well for house flies and bluebottle flies, which are among the most common household fly types in the UK. 5 3. Direct fans towards open windows Fans can become a Godsend in the summer weather, quickly cooling down a room as the temperature rises. But they also work wonders in helping get rid of flies from the home - and it's a clever trick that requires no prep. Whether you're lying in bed or working at your desk, all you need to do is direct your fan outside your open window instead of into the room. Small insects do not have the strength to fly against the wind created by household fans. So, directing fans out of an open window will blow the flies away, keeping them from getting in. People are just realising the right way to use your fan to get hot air out of the house A FAN has become a staple for millions of households across the UK - but while many of us may blow the cool air directly at us, turns out there's another way to use the fan - and it may be more beneficial. According to savvy TikTokers, there's a 'right' way to use the apparatus in the sweltering weather - and many have dubbed it ''a game-changer''. Rather than blasting the cold air at your body, some social media users advise to place the fan by an open window, facing away from the room. This, one savvy man, Simon Johnson, recently explained will ''suck the hot air out of the room''. To effectively use a fan to remove hot air from a room, position it to exhaust hot air out of a window, while simultaneously opening a second window on the opposite side of the room to draw in cooler air. For the ultimate cooling effect, you could also snap up an extra fan - and have its cool air blow directly at you. ''I'm definitely not melting tonight,'' said Simon, from South Wales. And it's not just the Welsh lad who's been raving about this easy hack - another TikToker, Alex The Cleaner, shared how she was keeping cool thanks to simply repositioning her fan. She said in the video: ''Whoever posted this hack - thank you. 'I feel like I can breathe the air again. ''This feels so wrong but it works so well the fan sucks the hot air out of the room and honestly it works.'' 4. Essential oils can make a natural repellent Another trick that Paul suggests homeowners should try is to create a simple spray using common kitchen ingredients that repels flies - but without harmful chemicals and an unpleasant scent. To do this, mix equal parts water and white vinegar with 10-15 drops of essential oils in a spray bottle. Anything like eucalyptus, lavender, or lemongrass should work perfectly. This solution can be sprayed around windows, doors, and other entry points without damaging surfaces or posing risks to children and pets, unlike some chemical alternatives. These scents not only deter flies but will keep your home smelling fresh, too. 5 5. Grow fly-repelling plants If you don't fancy making your own spray, then an even easier thing to try is to buy plants that naturally repel flies. Certain plants, including basil, mint, lavender, and rosemary, act as natural repellents for all kinds of insects. These contain natural compounds that flies find offensive, but humans find pleasant. Paul recommended placing these plants on windowsills and near doorways where flies typically enter homes. Plus, they can also work for being fresh herbs in your cooking!
