Humor: New school year resolutions you'll break within a month

Yahoo

08-08-2025

Back-to-school season means you're back to making promises you can't keep
Resolution: The kids will eat a nutritious breakfast every morning.
Reality: You will attempt to cook your children a breakfast fit for a magazine spread but after several mornings spent in frantic chaos while someone whines, 'I don't like eggs,' you'll wave the white flag and make sure you stock plenty of cheap off-brand cereal bags in the pantry. Sugar is on the food pyramid so that counts, right?
Resolution: Nobody will miss the school bus.
Reality: It's amazing that something giant and yellow can sneak up on you, but no matter how hard you try to get the kids out the door at 7:25, somehow the bus always arrives either a minute too early as your kids are sprinting to the corner, or 5 minutes late, at which point the children have come inside to let you know the bus is late which is why they need to grab a snack.
Resolution: Your child will not bring their cell phone to school.
Reality: Some battles aren't worth fighting. Plus you know the teachers have those handy 'no phone' rules and the tools to lock those phones away. This is their fight now, and bless them for it.
Resolution: You will feed your child nothing but homemade, healthy lunches that are perfect for Instagram posts.
Reality: Healthy meals look beautiful when you take 40 minutes the night before to arrange the fruit slices just so, or cut out mozzarella cheese and pepperoni in star shapes to bedazzle some sourdough bread. The quinoa and carrot melody is a riot of textures and color. However, the meal never looks as good when returned mostly uneaten by children who traded the pepperoni stars for Skittles.
Resolution: School related clutter will not usurp every horizontal surface in your home.
Reality: By some unknowable magic, the beginning of the new school year correlates to the slow but unstoppable takeover of your home. Homework, calculators, pens, books, dioramas, glue sticks without lids, lids for missing markers, and whatever passes for art these days will show up in every room and their is nothing you can do to stop it. Because I promise the one thing you throw away is the exact thing they'll say they needed.
Resolution: Every permission slip will be signed and put into backpacks immediately.
Reality: You'll frantically drive to the school to get there before the field trip bus leaves to show the 6th grade teacher that yes, Janie can go to the zoo.
Resolution: The kids will not get sick.
Reality: HAHAHAHAHA! Hope you like using your sick days, because kids are germ factories.
Resolution: You will not lose control of your temper in the pick up line.
Reality: Uh huh. You say that. Then someone on their phone doesn't notice the line move. Another insists on talking to a teacher for 10 minutes. One parent takes too long calming their child with gentle parenting skills learned from an influencer who's raising chickens while homeschooling her children somewhere in Austin, Texas. Bring a car sweater you can scream into.
Resolution: You will not volunteer for every PTA activity.
Reality: You're terrified of the PTA president who is rumored to have put a store bought cake in another mom's bed when she refused to participate in the holiday home baked goods sale.
Resolution: Homework will get done before anyone watches TV
Reality: When did teachers give so much homework? Also why is math suddenly different? Forget it! You trust them to get it done without your hovering. Ignorance is bliss.
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