2 Signs You're Not Being Yourself In A Relationship, By A Psychologist

Forbes

a day ago

Flirting is evolutionary. We often flirt to indicate interest in people we're attracted to. However, in the initial phases of dating, there's usually some uncertainty, where neither person is sure if things will move forward. During this time, people often behave in ambiguous ways by sending mixed signals, holding back or keeping things playful instead of making bold, direct moves.
Being too blunt too soon can feel awkward, unsafe or even disrespectful. So, we use indirect, playful communication to test the waters and protect ourselves emotionally and socially. This stage plays a huge role in how we connect with others.
But sometimes, we get so caught up trying to 'do it right,' we end up following a script and forget to enjoy ourselves. People might say 'Don't be the first person to respond back after a date' or 'Act nonchalant if you want them to like you.' Ironically, this leads us to stop being true to ourselves, as though there's no other way to act around the person you like.
You may think this behavior helps you impress your date and secure their interest, but if you're not being authentic, how will you know if they truly like you? Worse, you might end up shaping your identity around theirs, hiding parts of yourself just to fit into a version you think they'll prefer.
Here are two ways to tell if your feelings are genuine or if you're stuck performing a role.
There are some social norms and expectations that guide how people behave in romantic or flirtatious situations. They act like mental roadmaps or 'scripts' for how one should initiate, progress and maintain romantic relationships. These scripts are shaped by culture, media, gender roles, class, religion and even age, and they often influence how people think dating should happen, whether or not they consciously realize it.
Acting out a script isn't inherently negative. In fact, it often helps ensure we behave respectfully and appropriately, especially in intimate situations. Not only do they guide our behavior in intimate settings, but they also help shape how we see ourselves.
In a classic 1989 study, sociologist Elijah Anderson studied how lower-income inner-city American youth devised certain 'game plans' to try and appeal to the woman by acting like her ideal partner, when in reality, he may only be feigning to establish a sexual relationship with her.
Abiding by these behavioral tactics may be seen as important to those who are still developing their identities and are trying to appeal to their peer groups.
On the other hand, a girl's peer group may support her pursuing the relationship if they perceive her partner's intentions as good.
'While many girls pursue the dream, the boy, for the immediate future, is generally not interested in 'playing house,' as his peer-group derisively refers to domestic life,' Anderson says.
Even today, people may adjust their behavior to meet a potential partner's expectations, without being honest about their own. This mismatch can lead to inauthentic relationships and mental health challenges.
Brian Soller, who conducted a 2014 study on the connection between mental health and adolescent relationships, found that inauthenticity in relationships is associated with poor mental health outcomes, especially for young girls.
This inauthenticity is reflected in red flags in dating spheres, which are hard to notice initially, where everyone plays a role that they deem fit for themselves.
This may show up in the form of self-imposed rules like 'I should text back now so I don't seem too eager,' or 'I should play hard to get,' even when you'd rather be direct. This could even be in the form of feigning interest in a hobby or activity your partner prefers, just so they like you back.
For instance, you might decide to go shopping with them, even though it doesn't interest you and you would much rather watch a new movie instead. This inevitably leads to disappointment when your partner finds out you were not being expressive enough. They might be confused or upset and start thinking that you're losing interest in them or that you don't feel comfortable enough to be honest with them.
Even if it feels like a small thing, not being honest about your preferences can still create distance.
While it is important to show interest in your partner's life, it should not come at the cost of repressing your actual self and interests. That's why you need to stop 'performing' just to impress someone.
When your actions are guided more by the rules of flirting than your true feelings, chances are you're acting out a seduction script rather than building a genuine connection.
We tend to act differently around different people. How we behave with our parents may be different than how we act around our friends. Each connection brings out a different dynamic, which means the 'script' you follow in one relationship won't be the same in another.
Consequently, your 'relational self' — the version of you that shows up in a relationship — can shift from partner to partner. However, we often fall into the trap of using the same romantic script with everyone we date, not accounting for the uniqueness of each dynamic.
In this way, you end up playing the same character over and over, no matter who you're with.
There is a misconception that being your real, everyday self in a relationship is what makes you feel authentic. But a 2017 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found something surprising: you actually feel more authentic when your relational self is closer to your ideal self or the version of you that you strive to be.
You cannot be your best self by following a script, but by striving to work on yourself and make yourself better every day. That includes being authentic, taking up space and not letting someone enclose you in a standardized box. That includes your friends, family and your partner.
If your crush takes hours to reply or cancels a date, someone might advise you to 'act chill and ignore them.' But if that's not how you truly want to handle things, there's no need to follow that advice.
If expressing your feelings, like calling them to let them know you felt hurt, helps you communicate honestly, then it's okay to do that. Just remember, being honest doesn't mean compromising your self-respect.
Authentic connection allows room for spontaneity and imperfection. But when you're stuck in a script, deviations can feel threatening, because they disrupt the storyline you've mentally constructed about how seduction and love 'should' unfold.
Our environment shapes how we approach romance and love. But when we cling too tightly to these scripts, we risk missing the opportunity for real emotional intimacy. We end up performing roles like 'the pursuer,' 'the prize,' 'the cool one' or 'the unavailable one,' instead of relating authentically to another human being.
If showing interest comes off as needy and you have to withhold your eagerness and enthusiasm, then that person may not be right for you. You need to address incompatibilities right away, instead of pretending everything is fine when they don't live up to their word or disrespect you.
Try to work on the self you aspire to be by setting specific goals that you can reach in a set timeframe. For instance, you may want to be someone who is emotionally grounded, dependable or assertive. Ask yourself, what is holding you back and once you have the answer, set small achievable goals to reach them. When you work on yourself, you inevitably attract people who add to your life, not those who make you feel small and caged.
Tear up the script, albeit mentally, that is holding you back from having a meaningful connection, all because you're too set on whether a person takes the right steps to 'win' you over or vice versa.
If someone truly wants to build a relationship with you, they'll accept you for who you are and be authentic about who they are in return — and that's the type of love we all deserve.
How true do you stay to yourself when you're in the early stages of love? Take this science-backed test to find out: Authenticity In Relationships Scale