Help! My Husband Only Brushes His Teeth Once a Month. But That's Not Even the Worst Part.
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we're diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have been together for over five years now. I love him with all my being, but there is just one huge issue I have with him: His breath smells horrible. I've tried both being nice and being blunt about it with him, but it just never really sinks in. He just pushes it off as me being mean to him. He grew up in a household where both of his parents have bad teeth and they never really made it a priority to keep good oral hygiene habits. I mean, he maybe brushes his teeth once a month. I realized what I was getting into when we were dating, but it's gotten to the point where I can barely stand it. We recently had a baby and her teeth are due soon to be popping out. How can I make him realize that she will be seeing his lack of oral hygiene and may think it's OK, when it's really not? Is there a way I can show him this is not only hurting his own health, but could possibly hurt his child's way of thinking when it comes to her teeth?
—Hubby Halitosis
Dear Halitosis,
Tell me you used assisted technology to produce this baby. Because I'm wondering about a woman who would be intimate with a man with overwhelming halitosis whose oral hygiene consists of a monthly swipe with a toothbrush at his decaying mess. Unless his work requires him to wear a gas mask all day, his co-workers must want to. Now that you have a child, his ability to function in the world is of major importance, and being able to smell his breath from 20 feet is not a career-enhancer. I hear from so many people who despite glaring problems go ahead and marry, hoping somehow that yoking yourself to someone for life will fix a problem. But since you say his teeth were rotten and his breath stunk while you were dating, I really don't understand how you managed to exchange a kiss at 'I now pronounce you husband and wife.' Your husband must be terrified of dentists, so you should research some who specialize in scared patients and who might even put someone in a twilight state during cleaning and other procedures. You should also show him some information about how parents with dental caries can pass those germs onto their babies through kissing. You have an obligation not to create generation three of the mouth of hell.
—Emily Yoffe
From: Georgia on My Mind. (July 08, 2013).
Dear Prudence,
'Laura' and I have been best friends since we were 10. Four years ago her husband, 'James,' needed my help on a work-related matter and came over without Laura, who was busy with something else. It involved a very difficult and tedious task, and we decided to make it more tolerable by bringing out some wine. That night James and I ended up sleeping together. I always had a small, harmless crush on James but never in my wildest dreams fantasized about acting on it until that night. We both felt very guilty afterward. I even tried to cut off contact with Laura for awhile, but she kept calling me in tears asking what she'd done wrong. I feel horrible, and I am not even attracted to James anymore. We avoid each other as best as we can. I'm struggling with whether I should confess to Laura or not. I can't get over what I did, but should I tell her?
—Three's a Crowd
Dear Crowd,
If you were going to confess, the time for confession was at the time. Cast your mind back to the alternative reality that didn't take place: tears, pain, recrimination, possibly lawyers and divorce. I am not defending cheating or saying the best way to deal with it is to keep it a secret. But I have come to feel that a single episode of it, much regretted and never repeated, is often best forgotten by those concerned. (Certainly you realized that compounding your betrayal by trying to punish Laura was cruel.) It's been four years, so telling Laura now would not only be devastating, but leave her wondering what's the hidden message behind this sudden revelation. It would also likely make her feel the past four years of her life were some kind of farce in which you and James were mocking her and communicating through glances she will now obsessively reinterpret. You say you can't get over what you did, so living with that awful feeling is your penance. Don't also make Laura pay.
—E.Y.
From: Sleeping With the Frenemy. (Oct. 24, 2011).
Dear Prudence,
When I met my wife, she was a size 2. What I loved was her ability to 'tuck in' at a meal and never worry about her weight. Turns out that ability was due to an autoimmune disorder, and now her doctor has her on steroids. My wife's weight ballooned from a 2 to a 14, and I love it! She has 'all the right curves in all the right places.' Unfortunately, her doctor wants her to lose weight, so she joined Weight Watchers and now harps on 'points' and analyzes every meal. Last week I brought her chocolates for Valentine's Day, and she accused me of sabotaging her diet. I am. I don't want her to lose the weight. I think she looks better this way, and I miss my wife who would just eat what she wanted. Should I support her or keep trying to lure her to the dark side? (We have cookies.)
—Wife's Weight
Dear Weight,
What a lovely gift. She's trying to lose weight under doctor's orders and instead of giving her flowers for Valentine's Day, you give her 10,000 calories. If someone is being treated with steroids, it is a real struggle to keep the weight off. Your wife has a significant medical condition, which doesn't matter to you. What matters is you like her new chest and hips. If the only thing that attracted you to your wife was her trencherman appetite, then you two need to consider the basis of this marriage. You're seriously asking me whether you should support her or undermine her efforts to stay healthy. I hope you can answer that yourself, and I hope she could list at least a couple of things that made her want to marry you.
—E.Y.
From: Surprise Package. (Feb. 17, 2015).
At age 66, I believe I have met the person I have been looking for all of my life. I am twice divorced and 'Art's' first marriage also ended in divorce. His second wife of 15 years, Lucy, died a year before we met after a long illness. He is 75, and I consider myself unbelievably lucky to have met him—it was love at first sight and we are talking about marriage. But I can't get past my concern over burial arrangements.
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