Latest news with #Prudence
Yahoo
19-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Help! I Bullied a Woman in High School. Now She's Making My Kids Pay the Price.
This is part of Revenge Week, a series about how vengeance runs America, from the White House to cheating spouses to that bad boss who totally deserved it. Our advice columnists have heard many stories about revenge over the years—so we're diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share these classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here. Dear Prudence, I enrolled my two boys into an exclusive private school in our new hometown. At a school event I bumped into an attractive woman whom I didn't recognize. She came by and asked if I remember her. It turns out that she was someone I bullied in high school. After that day I noticed other moms slowly avoiding me. I think she must have told them about how I used to bully her. Eventually my boys started coming home, crying and upset that other kids wouldn't play with them. My younger son was not allowed to join a game of hockey during recess because another boy told him, 'My mom says your mom is a b***h.' They are now openly being ridiculed and ostracized at school by their peers. I asked to meet my former classmate and apologized for bullying her as I was young and stupid, although I don't much remember what I did. She smiled at me in a creepy way and said she went through therapy for what I put her through. I haven't told my husband about this woman because I'm a little ashamed at how I used to treat her. Putting my boys into another school is not a feasible option, but I just don't know what to do. —Remorseful Bully Dear Remorseful, So this woman's revenge on your long ago mistreatment of her is to lead her children in a campaign to ostracize and bully your children. Boy, oh, boy does she need more therapy. You're understandably ashamed of what you did and want to keep it quiet, but for the sake of your sons you need to tell your husband about it, and how your misdeeds are being revisited on your innocent boys. Then the two of you need to get in touch with the school administration and get this issue addressed. They should take immediate steps to stop the bullying of your sons. But what may never stop is your own shunning. You have entered a Hollywood-ready high school revenge story. Twenty years after your reign as a mean girl, you're going to find yourself black-balled at the school bake sales and rejected as class mother. Even if you get the other kids to back off your boys, you've got a tough road ahead since now all the other mothers know just how miserably you treated their friend. Let's hope some parents will decide not to relive the worst of high school, understand people change, and refuse to be drawn into this drama. Leading a campaign to have your children mistreated may eventually backfire on this other mother and she may find herself as the unpopular girl all over again. Let's hope with some intervention, your sons' situation dramatically improves in the fall. You say there is no other feasible option but this school, but if all of you find yourselves isolated and unhappy there, there are always other choices. —Emily Yoffe From: Help! The Woman I Bullied in High School Is Taking Her Revenge on My Sons. (Dec. 5, 2021). Dear Prudence, My parents and I are huge animal lovers and have been feeding a feral cat colony for a few years now (they are all spayed and neutered). Our neighbor, however, cannot stand them and has been very vocal about it to us. He trapped them for a while whenever they would come into his yard and take them to animal control. However, since they are microchipped to our address, animal control would call us and we would pick them up. Upon their return, the organization that got them spayed/neutered has tried working with our neighbor to no avail. However, last month, two of the cats started acting funny. We took them to the emergency vet only to learn they had antifreeze poisoning and there was nothing we could do but end their suffering. We thought of our neighbor, but wanting to give him the benefit of doubt, we dismissed it as an accident. However, two weeks ago, a third cat acted the same exact way and another vet visit confirmed antifreeze poisoning. We now no longer think it's a freak accident. Several friends and family are telling us to call animal control and report our neighbor. However, we have no proof that it is actually him putting the antifreeze out, only a hunch based on past interactions and experiences. What should we do? —Neighbors and Animals Dear Animals, There's a key piece of information missing here: How big is your 'colony'? If you're talking about more than a few cats, then your neighbor has a legitimate beef that his yard has become a playground and litter box for your brood. No, I'm not defending kitty murder, but it doesn't sound as if you have at all been sensitive to his desire to not be part of the territory of a feral cat colony. Obviously, he does not have the right to kill them, and what you describe is gruesome and awful. You could call the police if you suspect that he's poisoning your cats, but you know they are unlikely to do a forensic analysis of anti-freeze traces around his property. In some communities, there are restrictions on how many animals one can have, so you should look into whether you are violating this restriction before you take this further. Your neighbor has not been amenable to lectures from cat fanatics about why he should put up with your cats in his yard. But it doesn't sound as if you have tried to mitigate the annoyance to him. I suggest before your entire brood sickens and dies, you reduce the number of cats trolling the neighborhood. Your organization should help you re-home these cats. You also should see if you can keep some of the remaining ones inside most of the time. Then go to the neighbor and tell him that you've heard his complaints and there are going to be far fewer cats wandering the neighborhood. That might be enough to check his feline-cidal impulses. —E. Y. From: I Have but Nine Lives to Give. (March 26, 2013). Dear Prudence, I found out my husband had a months-long affair with an old neighbor. He ended it after we moved away. She emailed, wanting him to come back to visit her, and included naked pictures of herself. I found it after using my husband's laptop to do our taxes. I was enraged. I confronted my husband, and we are now in counseling. But I can't get the other woman out of my head. She is a teacher at a Christian academy and a high-standing member of our old church. I personally gave her a key to our old house for emergencies. I hate her, and I hate the fact she gets to go along with her perfect fake life after ruining mine. I have copies of her emails and pics. I want to send them to our pastor and her principal. Someone like her should not be teaching children, and her husband deserves to know the truth. I haven't spoken about this to our counselor or my husband. I think they will want to protect her. I am so angry I can't see straight. I don't know what I should do. Help. —Truth Dear Truth, Your anger makes a lot of sense to me! It also shouldn't be what's primarily driving your actions. Take a look at what you said about how you feel: 'enraged,' 'hate,' 'so angry I can't see straight.' You can't stop thinking about the details of the affair, and you feel like your life has been ruined. The person most directly responsible for this is your husband, but all you say about him is that the two of you are in counseling right now. Your husband is the one who betrayed your marriage vows. He's the one who cheated on you. What she did was not kind, was not honest, and was not the act of a friend—let's not get confused about that. You're angry with her and rightly so. But hurting a friend and cheating on her spouse does not disqualify one from teaching children. One has nothing to do with the other. I'm afraid you might feel like your job is to forgive and eventually forget what your husband did and that therefore the only safe outlet for your pain and anger is this former friend. That would be a mistake, I think. Tell your counselor about your anger. Tell your husband. Be honest about it. Don't try to downplay or soften it. Don't rush to forgive your husband just because you live with him. It's difficult to allow yourself to be angry with the people you love most. I do not think it will be ultimately satisfying if you try to displace the anger that should rightly fall on your husband entirely on her. I do not think it will address the root cause, and I think you deserve the chance to be honest about your feelings without trying to protect your husband from the consequences of his actions. —Danny M. Lavery From: Help! Why Won't My Daughter-in-Law Let Me in the Delivery Room? (Feb. 5, 2018). Dear Prudence, I used to be a live-in nanny for the world's most annoying, inconsiderate, intolerant, and rude couple. I stuck through for three months, but had to quit for my own mental health. During this time, I occasionally took revenge by sneaking into their bathroom and dipping their toothbrushes in the toilet. The wife kept a drink bottle by the bedside table and I also put some toilet water into it as well. It made me feel better about my crappy situation at the time but now that I've quit (and regained some of my sanity), I'm consumed with guilt. I heard from a mutual acquaintance that both of them are having some kind of health problems—exactly what, I don't know—and I'm worried I may have caused this. Should I call and confess? We didn't exactly leave on good terms. —Dirty Problem Dear Dirty, This is indeed a crappy situation all around. I'm actually surprised you quit because given your response to what you say was intolerable treatment by your employers, you attempted to cause them grave bodily harm—you all sound perfectly matched! Making people ingest fecal matter without their knowledge is indeed likely to make people ill and leave their doctor baffled. Part of me would love to tell you to rush to confess. However, I will extend you a courtesy that you didn't give your 'inconsiderate' and 'rude' employers. That is, while I think this couple should know the source of their illness, confessing could leave you open to potential prosecution. You may deserve it, but you need to consider the stakes here. So my suggestion is that you pay for a consultation with a lawyer and explain the situation. You also should find out what are the potential medical consequences of drinking toilet water. It may be that the need to get a proper diagnosis for this pair is crucial to their treatment, and you must consider that and bring it to the attention of your lawyer. While your behavior makes my stomach turn, I am slightly heartened that you seem to recognize what you did was an abomination. I hope in the future you recognize that if you're in a poisonous situation, you simply get out without trying to poison anyone else. —E. Y. From: Porcelain Revenge. (Feb. 18, 2014). I recently found out via Facebook that the man who bullied me when I was a teenager is running for public office. At that time he was extremely cruel and acted violently toward me. We spoke once after I graduated from high school, but I've never understood why he targeted me and he seemed to have no remorse. I'd like to make public what he did to me in order to ensure that he doesn't become an elected official. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
03-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Help! My Brother-in-Law Refuses to Wear Clothes in My House. But My Sister's Response Is Even More Revealing
Dear Prudence is Slate's advice column. . Dear Prudence, My sister and brother-in-law, 'Drew,' are in the process of renovating their home and will be staying with me for the next few months. The trouble is that Drew does not like to wear clothes in the house. I'm not talking about lounging on the couch in his underwear—he likes to be completely in the buff. I'm gone at work most of the day, but I don't enjoy coming home to find Drew in all his glory making dinner or playing with my dog with things shall we say … swinging. My sister says she can't get him to put on clothes at home absent company coming over, so there's nothing she can do. I'm allowing them to stay rent-free in my home for a quarter of a year and don't think insisting on Drew wearing a pair of shorts around the house is a huge ask. Is this worth drawing a line over, or am I being uptight? —Demanding a Dress Code Dear Dress Code, Your negotiating skills could use a little work. You're not supposed to give the other party (your naked brother-in-law) everything they want (an invitation to stay with you for free for three months) and then request to be allowed to make dinner in your own home without seeing 'things swinging.' If you're going to welcome these two into your guest room regardless, why would they follow your rules? I mean, normal people would want to be good guests and would be mortified at the thought of making their host uncomfortable, but we're evidently not dealing with normal people. And that's an issue of its own. If they don't care how you feel about seeing Drew's private parts, I absolutely promise they will disrespect your space in other ways. Many other ways. I'm thinking of everything from leaving hair in the bathtub to eating your leftovers to leaving the door open and letting your dog escape and then telling you you're hurting their feelings by being upset about it. So, yes, this is worth drawing a line over. Your script for your sister and brother-in-law is 'You know I love you guys and would like to have you stay with me during your renovation, but I want to make sure living together doesn't take a toll on our relationship. The fact that you've been unwilling to budge on the nudity thing was a wakeup call to me that there might be things we don't agree on, and if we can't get on the same page, we shouldn't move forward …' Then you list 'I need you to cover your private parts in common areas' and anything else that is important for your comfort. Think about what you need from them in terms of housekeeping, quiet hours, and limits on guests; tell them; and then say 'Can you do that?' If they push back at all—and I mean at all—restate that you don't want to be in conflict with them and won't agree to a plan that sets you up for that. If you do decide to let them move in, please be careful. Going back to the fact that they don't seem to respect you much, I'm not here to give legal advice but it wouldn't be going overboard to chat with an attorney about the worst case scenario: They are breaking all your rules, you ask them to leave before their renovation is over, and they say no and 'see you in court.' If you think you're being uptight now, just think of how you'll feel then! Dear Prudence, I am a white person married to a Black person. We have three kids together. A few situations have come up lately in which white people casually spew coded racism to myself or myself and my partner, and I have frozen in the moment. For example, a white person recently went on a long rant to both of us about how a Black leader 'just isn't smart' and 'can't even write a coherent email.' She never mentioned his race, but the implication was clear. In another situation, someone was going on to us about how they love this particular school because 'all of the parents are so hardworking and are the types of people I want to raise my kid around.' Three percent of the students at that school are Black. Can you help me with a script for how to address these types of coded racist conversations? As the years have passed since my first child was born, I have developed scripts for the more explicit stuff we encounter—comments about my kids' hair, skin color, and so on. I don't want to silently sit by for the coded racism, but I don't know how to respond, or if there is a useful way to respond that could make these people pause and have a think about what they're saying. —Crack the Code Dear Crack the Code, I'll throw out a few options: 'I can't help but think race might play a part in the way you're seeing this.' 'I'm sure you didn't intend this, but what you just said has a lot in common with things people who are racist say.' 'Sorry, if I look uncomfortable it's because what you just said is the kind of thing I worry about my Black kids overhearing.' 'I always try to look deeper when I make that kind of statement and ask myself if the stereotypes about race I've learned are shaping how I think.' 'I don't think I'm the right audience for this kind of commentary.' Good luck. Want more Prudie? Slate Plus members get an additional column each week. Dear Prudence, I know you're going to tell me to 'butt out,' but this situation is really bumming me out, and I guess I just really want to check if it's none of my business. My husband's parents had a love story for the ages, and his family talks about his father like he was a saint (he died before I met hubs). His mother was recently moved into an assisted living facility for end-of-life care and we visit as often as we can. Apparently, she met a man in the facility and they want to have a relationship for whatever time they have left. Hubs and his brothers are so up in arms about this that his mom agreed to not see her paramour anymore. I think this is unfair to his mom. She connected with someone in the same stage as life with her and wants love and companionship in their last days—what's wrong with that? She's been single for 23 years, and she seemed excited to tell us until her kids shut her down. Finding something that brings her joy and hope seems like the best possible scenario. But it genuinely breaks hub's heart and is causing him distress, when he's already facing the end of her life. And she's not my mom. I asked him how it would make him feel if she kept her companion for her last days, and he got so upset we had to take a break, and I had to help him calm down. I haven't pressed further, but I can't help but feel like he's wrong and his mom is allowed to have a relationship if she wants one. Do I say anything? —Unsupportive Son, Supportive Son-in-Law Dear Unsupportive, It sounds like you've already let your husband know that you think his mother deserves love and companionship. He's clearly too distressed to absorb that. So talking to him again won't help. But I can offer some encouragement: I am hopeful that your mother-in-law is lying to her sons and still secretly seeing her boyfriend. While she may be more vulnerable at this stage of her life, she's not dumb. She's been around for at least seven or eight decades and has known your husband for at least a few of them. She knows what she wants and she knows he's having a grown-up tantrum. Maybe she's recognizing that her kids are acting like toddlers again and just telling a small lie to save herself some stress. Like when she used to give him a raisin and call it candy, or said the playground was closed if he wanted to go at an inconvenient time. Obviously, what your husband is really dealing with is anticipatory grief over losing his mother, piled on top of his sadness over his dad's death. He doesn't seem like he handles negative emotions very astutely, so her remaining time is going to be tough for him even if she commits to staying single. The best thing you can do is to encourage him to spend as much quality time with her and have as many meaningful conversations as he can, so he's not tortured by regret when the day comes that she's no longer here. I'm bisexual and genderqueer, and I live with my long-term partner, also genderqueer. I have a very uncomfortable relationship with my mother due to her alcoholism and drug abuse and the fact that she stole my identity to open credit cards before I turned 18. She also waged a hate-mail campaign against me when I came out and brought a lot of abusive men into my life growing up. I now live in another country and limit our contact to phone calls on birthdays and holidays. She recently moved and, during one of our holiday calls, mentioned that she'd found a box full of letters, poems, and pictures from my first high school boyfriend.
Yahoo
30-06-2025
- Yahoo
Help! I Can Afford My Best Friend's Destination Wedding. But There's Another Reason I Really Don't Want to Be There.
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we're diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here. Dear Prudence, One of my best friends is getting married next year at an all-inclusive resort, because she doesn't want to spend the money on a wedding. I don't blame her, but I don't want to spend the money to go to the resort. It's not that I can't afford it; I just don't believe in spending $1,000-plus for a few days (yes, that's the cost for three nights; two isn't much cheaper) by a swimming pool eating mediocre food. That's just really not my idea of a good time at all, and while I would love to see her get married, I know I'll just be resentful the whole time that I spent all this money. Am I selfish for not going? —Am I Being Selfish? Dear Selfish, One of the upsides of a destination wedding is giving everyone in your life a guilt-free reason for not attending. Just because it might not ruin you to spend more than $1,000 (and that's not including travel and formal wear) on a single weekend doesn't mean you're obligated to spend the money. If she's one of your best friends and there's any sort of compromise that feels workable and like it wouldn't be too much of a strain on your budget, I think you should at least consider it, but it's not like you're saying 'No' to a wedding on the other side of town. Offer to take her out when she gets back so you can celebrate her nuptials locally, and sleep soundly. —Danny M. Lavery From: Help! The Son of an Acquaintance Died. Is It Rude to Ask How? (Aug. 21, 2018). Dear Prudence, I met my current boyfriend, 'Drew,' a few years ago, though we didn't start dating until recently, partly because when we met, he had a girlfriend. Wading into this new relationship is a bit easier than usual because I've known Drew for a while, but something happened not long ago that made me uncomfortable: He mentioned that it was nice to be sleeping with a thin woman again after three-and-a-half years with his ex. I found this attempted compliment uncommonly mean and weird. It was obvious I was upset, and Drew made an excuse to leave soon after. I'm not friends with Drew's ex, but I've met her and she's nice and even if she wasn't, what he said was a low blow. How should I talk to him about this? —Compared to an Ex Dear Compared, 'It really bothered me that you spoke so negatively about your ex's body the last time I saw you. I don't normally see you comparing women's bodies, so I'm having trouble understanding this side of you. Telling me something snide and unkind about the body of a woman you used to have sex with doesn't impress me, and it doesn't make me feel like I've been complimented. It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsure of your character, and it makes me wonder what you might say to other women about my body. What's going on here?' If he can acknowledge that what he did was unkind and unnecessary and offer a sincere apology, then that's one thing; if he gets evasive or says you must have misunderstood him or that he was 'just trying to be nice,' I think you've seen a side of him that might change how you see him as a boyfriend. —D. M. L. From: Help! I Forced My Husband to Have Kids. It Was a Terrible Mistake. (Oct. 10, 2018). Dear Prudence, I'm a fan of a sport that doesn't have many female fans, let alone gay ones like myself. My childhood BFF and I took a trip out of state together last year to see the big game, and that's where we met 'Becky' and 'Donna,' a couple who had also traveled for the event. We got along wonderfully, and the four of us have since gone to games together as often as distance will allow. Here's my dilemma. I'm thinking of taking a road trip next summer, just for fun, and I want to invite Becky and Donna with me. I love my BFF, I really do, but I think we're better as long-distance friends. I sleep in, she's an early riser; I plan, she's spontaneous. We're at each other's throats by Day 3 of cohabitation. Also, she can say thoughtless things sometimes, insulting how I look, etc. I know she doesn't mean it badly, but without the buffer of distance, our interactions get increasingly tense. With Becky and Donna, it's easy to be myself and we mesh perfectly; I would love to be stuck in a smelly van with them for weeks. I worry BFF would be incredibly hurt by this, since she sees us as a dynamic foursome. They live as far from me as my BFF does, so I couldn't pass it off as convenience. How do I ask them to join me but leave out my BFF? And how do I tell my BFF, who I rarely get to see in person, that I love her, but don't want to spend that time with her? —Cherry-Picking Vacation Buddies Dear Cherry-Picking, I know you're worried that your BFF will be hurt by your decision, but it sounds like right now your friendship is based on the premise that it's sort of OK for her to hurt you, because saying thoughtless things is apparently an unchangeable part of her personality. I think you should invite Becky and Donna on your road trip without a moment's hesitation. Just because you met them while on a trip with your BFF does not mean you signed a contract promising only to hang out together as a foursome in perpetuity. Have you ever talked to your BFF about the disparities in your travel preferences or the fact that she regularly says things that hurt you, including unkind remarks about your physical appearance? If not, I think you should consider it, even if it's uncoupled from telling her about taking a vacation with Becky and Donna. You are not doing something wrong by wanting to travel with other friends and so do not need to apologize for it. If your BFF is unable to listen to you talk about how her remarks hurt you, then it may be time to reconsider the friendship. —D. M. L. From: Help! My Niece and Nephew Took My Teenage Daughter Out of State to Get an Abortion. (Sept. 18, 2018). Yesterday was my son's birthday. On Saturday, I took him and two friends to a preseason pro football game, including a tailgate before the game and pizza afterward, as his birthday gift. When my ex-husband heard about the football game, he declared that I hadn't given our son 'a real gift,' as in something tangible to open…
Yahoo
23-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
Help! Something Dangerous Happens When My Husband and I Share a Bed.
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we're diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here. Dear Prudence, My husband and I have separate bedrooms since I am an intolerably light sleeper and my husband thrashes like a beached whale when he sleeps. (I seriously got a black eye once from it!) Going back to his hometown means an expensive flight and not much money left over, so getting a hotel room is out of the question. How do we raise the fact that we need separate bedrooms? The last time we were here, I was only the girlfriend and spent the entire week exhausted and catnapping until people started asking if I was sick. I just do not want to raise any gossip, since separate bedrooms means marriage trouble to so many people. Can we just make up a medical reason and lie? —Need Silence Dear Silence, I think there's an easier solution to this temporary problem, which is to have your husband sleep on the floor. If it's only for a few days, you can make up a reasonably comfortable pallet next to the bed, you can sleep without fear of violence, and you can hide the evidence from prying eyes every morning. (I assume he's been to the doctor about his sleep-thrashing, but if anyone in the comments recognizes this as some sort of alarming medical condition, by all means, let us know!) —Danny M. Lavery From: Zero. (March 15, 2016). Dear Prudence, I just found out that my best friend has been cheating on her husband for the majority of her marriage of a few years. I've always known it wasn't a perfect marriage, but my friend has always painted herself as a victim of her husband's mistreatment and my support and advice have been based on that perspective. Now that she's dropped this bomb on me—she's cheated with multiple people, some emotional affairs, some just physical—I'm kind of at a loss for how to respond. I think I'm the only person she's told. What is my responsibility here? I still love her as a friend, but I can't respect her actions. If I come on as too judgmental, I know she will never want to talk about it with me again. —Cheating Friend Dear Cheating, You respond honestly but temper the outrage. You say that this gives you a totally different understanding of the dynamics of their marriage, you say surely she knows her inability to be physically or emotionally faithful makes a successful marriage impossible. You tell her you love her but find her actions deeply concerning. If she wants total support and will cut you off because you can't give it, then the basis of your friendship is as shaky as that of her marriage. —Emily Yoffe From: Dress-Up Dilemma. (Nov. 18, 2013). Dear Prudence, I have a co-worker with whom I had a fairly close office friendship. Over time, I developed a bit of a crush on him. (I am in a relationship, he is single.) In a spectacular mistake, I admitted this to him several months ago. After some awkwardness, our friendship seemed to resume as normal. Then in recent months he noticeably stopped speaking to me. I apologized for mentioning my crush and asked if I did something new to upset him or if my continued presence at work makes him uncomfortable. He dodged both questions, and now will only speak to me when absolutely necessary to get work done using the bare minimum number of words. I feel terrible and don't want to perpetuate an environment where we're both on edge around each other. At the same time, I understand his reluctance to talk about it. How can I address this, short of finding a new job? —Crushing Silence Dear Crushing, Follow your co-worker's lead. Stop asking him why he's uncomfortable, stop trying to renew your friendship with him, and speak to him only when it's necessary to get work done. You took the risk of telling someone you work with that you had a crush on him (and, by implication, that you were willing to either leave or cheat on your partner for him), and you have to accept that not only does he not return your feelings, their reveal has permanently altered the nature of your relationship. You realize this was a mistake, but one of the fundamental realities of mistakes is that sometimes you can feel terrible about what you've done and apologize, but that doesn't make anything better. There's no going back to an alternate timeline where you didn't say what you said, and one of the ways you can demonstrate to your co-worker (and to yourself) that you genuinely regret putting him in such an uncomfortable position is by granting him the space he clearly needs. He does not owe you any more explanations, and it won't help to further explain yourself in an attempt to feel less 'on edge' around him. Be professional and polite, stop asking him personal questions, accept that your friendship is over, and grieve in private for what you lost. (And, depending on why you made the confession in the first place, consider ending things with your partner, too.) —D. M. L. From: Risky Business. (Feb. 02, 2017). My cousin is a single mother who needs rides everywhere. She has to take two buses just to get to the grocery store (with a toddler in tow), and that's both time- and cost-prohibitive for her. In theory, I don't mind helping occasionally, and I'm not going to let her go without food or diapers. But I work full time and have a busy life of my own…
Yahoo
16-06-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
Help! My Husband Only Brushes His Teeth Once a Month. But That's Not Even the Worst Part.
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we're diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here. Dear Prudence, My husband and I have been together for over five years now. I love him with all my being, but there is just one huge issue I have with him: His breath smells horrible. I've tried both being nice and being blunt about it with him, but it just never really sinks in. He just pushes it off as me being mean to him. He grew up in a household where both of his parents have bad teeth and they never really made it a priority to keep good oral hygiene habits. I mean, he maybe brushes his teeth once a month. I realized what I was getting into when we were dating, but it's gotten to the point where I can barely stand it. We recently had a baby and her teeth are due soon to be popping out. How can I make him realize that she will be seeing his lack of oral hygiene and may think it's OK, when it's really not? Is there a way I can show him this is not only hurting his own health, but could possibly hurt his child's way of thinking when it comes to her teeth? —Hubby Halitosis Dear Halitosis, Tell me you used assisted technology to produce this baby. Because I'm wondering about a woman who would be intimate with a man with overwhelming halitosis whose oral hygiene consists of a monthly swipe with a toothbrush at his decaying mess. Unless his work requires him to wear a gas mask all day, his co-workers must want to. Now that you have a child, his ability to function in the world is of major importance, and being able to smell his breath from 20 feet is not a career-enhancer. I hear from so many people who despite glaring problems go ahead and marry, hoping somehow that yoking yourself to someone for life will fix a problem. But since you say his teeth were rotten and his breath stunk while you were dating, I really don't understand how you managed to exchange a kiss at 'I now pronounce you husband and wife.' Your husband must be terrified of dentists, so you should research some who specialize in scared patients and who might even put someone in a twilight state during cleaning and other procedures. You should also show him some information about how parents with dental caries can pass those germs onto their babies through kissing. You have an obligation not to create generation three of the mouth of hell. —Emily Yoffe From: Georgia on My Mind. (July 08, 2013). Dear Prudence, 'Laura' and I have been best friends since we were 10. Four years ago her husband, 'James,' needed my help on a work-related matter and came over without Laura, who was busy with something else. It involved a very difficult and tedious task, and we decided to make it more tolerable by bringing out some wine. That night James and I ended up sleeping together. I always had a small, harmless crush on James but never in my wildest dreams fantasized about acting on it until that night. We both felt very guilty afterward. I even tried to cut off contact with Laura for awhile, but she kept calling me in tears asking what she'd done wrong. I feel horrible, and I am not even attracted to James anymore. We avoid each other as best as we can. I'm struggling with whether I should confess to Laura or not. I can't get over what I did, but should I tell her? —Three's a Crowd Dear Crowd, If you were going to confess, the time for confession was at the time. Cast your mind back to the alternative reality that didn't take place: tears, pain, recrimination, possibly lawyers and divorce. I am not defending cheating or saying the best way to deal with it is to keep it a secret. But I have come to feel that a single episode of it, much regretted and never repeated, is often best forgotten by those concerned. (Certainly you realized that compounding your betrayal by trying to punish Laura was cruel.) It's been four years, so telling Laura now would not only be devastating, but leave her wondering what's the hidden message behind this sudden revelation. It would also likely make her feel the past four years of her life were some kind of farce in which you and James were mocking her and communicating through glances she will now obsessively reinterpret. You say you can't get over what you did, so living with that awful feeling is your penance. Don't also make Laura pay. —E.Y. From: Sleeping With the Frenemy. (Oct. 24, 2011). Dear Prudence, When I met my wife, she was a size 2. What I loved was her ability to 'tuck in' at a meal and never worry about her weight. Turns out that ability was due to an autoimmune disorder, and now her doctor has her on steroids. My wife's weight ballooned from a 2 to a 14, and I love it! She has 'all the right curves in all the right places.' Unfortunately, her doctor wants her to lose weight, so she joined Weight Watchers and now harps on 'points' and analyzes every meal. Last week I brought her chocolates for Valentine's Day, and she accused me of sabotaging her diet. I am. I don't want her to lose the weight. I think she looks better this way, and I miss my wife who would just eat what she wanted. Should I support her or keep trying to lure her to the dark side? (We have cookies.) —Wife's Weight Dear Weight, What a lovely gift. She's trying to lose weight under doctor's orders and instead of giving her flowers for Valentine's Day, you give her 10,000 calories. If someone is being treated with steroids, it is a real struggle to keep the weight off. Your wife has a significant medical condition, which doesn't matter to you. What matters is you like her new chest and hips. If the only thing that attracted you to your wife was her trencherman appetite, then you two need to consider the basis of this marriage. You're seriously asking me whether you should support her or undermine her efforts to stay healthy. I hope you can answer that yourself, and I hope she could list at least a couple of things that made her want to marry you. —E.Y. From: Surprise Package. (Feb. 17, 2015). At age 66, I believe I have met the person I have been looking for all of my life. I am twice divorced and 'Art's' first marriage also ended in divorce. His second wife of 15 years, Lucy, died a year before we met after a long illness. He is 75, and I consider myself unbelievably lucky to have met him—it was love at first sight and we are talking about marriage. But I can't get past my concern over burial arrangements.
