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CNA
9 hours ago
- CNA
People pleasers beware: 'Fawning' may be hurting your relationships
Meg Josephson, a psychotherapist in San Francisco, once had a client who said she left every social event convinced, without any proof, that everyone hated her. It was a pattern Josephson recognised both in herself and in her other clients. It's the prickle of alarm when a friend's text ends with a period instead of a 'friendly' exclamation point. It's the 'tailspin of insecurity,' as Josephson put it, that occurs after a neighbour doesn't say hello. It's hearing that your boss wants to chat with you and immediately assuming you're going to be fired. So Josephson posted a video on social media to say, 'You're okay – they're not secretly mad at you.' Thousands of people commented that they had similar fears. ('I realised how much I torture myself' was a typical response.) This nagging feeling that you're in trouble is common, Josephson said, and there's a name for the strategy that some people use to keep it at bay: Fawning. When we sense danger, our nervous systems can respond in three ways: Fight, flight or freeze. But some psychologists, like Josephson, believe that fawning is a fourth stress response. The term was coined by Pete Walker, a psychologist in Berkeley, California, who has written about complex post-traumatic stress disorder. He defines fawning as a protective response developed in childhood as a reaction to trauma – an extreme form of people pleasing. Research on fawning is still emerging, said Nora Brier, an assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania Perelman School of Medicine. It has been cited as a reaction to interpersonal violence, a form of disassociation and a submissive response to avoid conflict. However, Dr Brier cautioned that there wasn't enough evidence yet to consider fawning a nervous system response such as fight, flight or freeze, but she added, 'I would love to see fawning be considered for more research.' People who fawn scramble to be helpful and agreeable to a person who is a threat, said Josephson, who has been a practising therapist for five years and has 337,000 followers on Instagram. She grew up in a chaotic household in which she was constantly mollifying and accommodating her volatile father. Fawning is sometimes necessary to keep us safe, she said, whether it's for our physical security or for a paycheck. But for those stuck in the fawn response, the impulse to be vigilant to threats and emotionally monitor others is in overdrive, and it spills over into situations in which we're actually safe 'but our body thinks we're not,' she said. With her new book, Are You Mad At Me? How To Stop Focusing On What Others Think And Start Living For You,' Josephson hopes to help people who think that 'I can't feel okay unless the other person is okay,' she said. I asked Josephson to explain three key takeaways from her book that can help people stop the urge to fawn. DON'T AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG You can challenge your perception that someone is mad at you, Josephson said, by asking these questions: Is this story I'm telling myself absolutely true? Is this person's behaviour unusual or just consistent with how he communicates? Could there be other reasons for the person's perceived distance, such as work stress or a recent breakup? For example, when a friend doesn't text Josephson back, she sometimes thinks: 'Oh my gosh, is it something I said?' Then she reminds herself of the many times that she has received a text that later said, 'Sorry, I was in a meeting,' or 'Sorry, I responded to you in my mind.' It's not that people won't ever be mad at you. But it's helpful to pause and remind yourself that your anxious mind has lied to you in the past, she said. CHECK FAWNING BEHAVIOUR BY STARTING SMALL For people who habitually fawn, it can feel intimidating to set boundaries and say no, Josephson said. So begin with low-stakes situations. Notice when you're using people-pleasing phrases that you don't actually mean, such as 'no problem' if something does present a problem, and 'is this okay with you?' if it's not okay with you. If, for example, someone is apologising for hurting you, your instinct may be to rush to relieve the person of guilt by saying something along the lines of, 'No, it's totally fine,' Josephson said. Instead, she said, you can say, 'Thank you, I'm glad we're talking about this.' And if a person tells you that she is not mad at you, take her word for it, Josephson said. 'Get comfortable with the discomfort of taking what people say at face value without second-guessing what else they could secretly be feeling.' 'If someone is being passive-aggressive in their communication and not directly bringing something to you, there's nothing for you to fix,' Josephson writes. 'You shouldn't have to work to master ESP.' MAKE HONEST COMMUNICATION YOUR GOAL When we're fawning, Josephson said, 'the fearful part of ourselves chooses dishonest harmony over deep, authentic connection.' But honest and clear communication is the most important part of any relationship, and it erases the need to read between the lines, Josephson said. Practice being more direct with someone you feel safe around. Tell the person you are doing this and ask for help, she said. If you are cancelling plans, for example, be honest instead of making up an excuse so that the person won't be upset with you. 'This practise might be uncomfortable in the short term but saves us so much energy in the long-term,' she said. 'And it strengthens the relationships we really value.' The next time you have the urge to fawn, Josephson said, give yourself an authenticity check: Do I really mean what I'm about to say? Am I saying something I don't mean to try to appease the other person? 'It's not in your control to make someone else happy,' Josephson said. What is in your control, she added, 'is how you spend your time, your energy and your focus.'
CNA
9 hours ago
- CNA
Exercising in the heat can boost your fitness – here's how to do it safely
Tish Hamilton is a veteran of 59 marathons and five ultramarathons. The 63-year-old former executive editor of Runner's World also lives in Savannah, Georgia, where training through summer heat and humidity is a given. And while the conditions are unpleasant, she has come to appreciate them, knowing that come fall, she'll perform at her best. 'I don't think I ever get used to it,' Hamilton said, 'but I know how good it's going to feel once the humidity breaks.' It's not in her head. Research suggests that exercising in warm, humid conditions can provide what some call 'poor man's' altitude training – improving performance in endurance sports like triathlon, cycling and running. In the first few weeks of training in hot conditions, your body sends more blood to the skin's surface to create sweat. This leaves less of it for your muscles, which is one reason you often get tired more quickly in early summer. But your body adjusts by creating more blood, as well as more red blood cells, over four or five weeks, similar to what happens to your body after three weeks at altitude. You may also experience a boost in your VO2 max, the maximum rate at which your body uses oxygen while exercising. While you won't necessarily feel the benefits during the thick of summer training, you likely will on the first cool days of fall. 'I've both experienced it personally and seen it with my athletes,' said Steve Magness, a running coach in Houston and author of The Science Of Running.' 'All of a sudden you get a huge boost, and you realise that summer really did pay off.' When summer is at its hottest, it's certainly fine to take your workouts indoors. But if you'd like to take advantage of the summer's payoff, here's how to do it safely. UNTIL YOU ACCLIMATE, ADJUST Before you even begin training in the heat, it's important to set expectations, Magness said. 'You will go from feeling good to feeling miserable,' he explained. 'Go slow, and don't worry about your miles or workout intensity.' Research varies on how long it takes to acclimate to summer conditions, but after about two weeks or so, you should begin to better tolerate higher temperatures and humidity. 'Start with small doses of training outside, like 30 minutes of easy activity,' said Jill Patterson, a cycling coach in Virginia and three-time national USA Cycling Gran Fondo champion. 'Be consistent about getting out.' Once you start, try to spend a few workouts a week in the heat. That's not to say that you should torture yourself. If the midday heat is just too much where you live, try other times, but stay outside the whole 30 minutes if you can. Plan to take more breaks, throw your normal pace out the window and pay close attention to how you're feeling. Monitor your thirst level, and make sure to hydrate more often than usual. Any signs of dizziness, headaches, confusion or chills are red flags to call it quits. Different exercisers will respond differently to heat training and you should talk to your doctor before beginning, especially if you have a medical condition. You can also try wearable patches that measure your sweat rate, fluid and sodium loss. For the best accuracy, wait until you've acclimated to the heat first. If it helps, you can also cool down by putting ice in your hat or sports bra, or pouring cold water over your head. TRAINING AFTER ACCLIMATION Even after you acclimate to hotter conditions, you may never be as fast or feel as good as you do in cooler temperatures. But you should be able to handle a similar training level. 'Focus more on the feeling you want versus the pace you want,' Magness said. 'If you want something harder, go after it, but be willing to stop or modify if you aren't tolerating it well.' For example, watch for a large jump in heart rate or breathing rate. Also pay attention to your ability to talk – if you could previously say a sentence at a certain speed but now can barely talk, dial it back or walk. This is a good time to check your ego at the door, Hamilton said: 'I switch from focusing on how many miles I'm running to how much time I'm on my feet.' Keep an eye on the weather for days when the heat and humidity take brief breaks. 'On those good days, do your favourite hard workout, and you'll get an indication that your fitness has improved,' Magness said. While you acclimatise in just a couple of weeks of heat training, you need to continue outdoor workouts to make gains and sustain them. You can maintain them on just a few sessions a week, until they begin to wane about a month after cooler temperatures set in. Once fall arrives, you'll get the reward you've worked so hard for all summer. 'When you get that beautifully cool, low humidity day, you appreciate how much less effort it takes,' said Hamilton. 'You feel like a million bucks.'
CNA
18 hours ago
- CNA
US capital sues Trump govt over police takeover
WASHINGTON: The attorney general for the US capital Washington has sued Donald Trump's administration over what he called a "hostile takeover" of the city's police force, which the Republican president said was necessary to fight violent crime. Earlier this week, Trump placed the capital's Metropolitan Police Department under federal government control while also sending 800 National Guard troops onto the city's streets. Attorney General Pam Bondi on Thursday (Aug 14) then issued an order to install a hand-picked official - Drug Enforcement Administration chief Terry Cole - as "emergency" police commissioner. Federal law governing the capital "does not authorise this brazen usurpation of the District's authority over its own government", Attorney General Brian Schwalb wrote in a filing lodged in federal court. "Defendants have unlawfully seized operational control of MPD, including by assuming positions in the chain of command and issuing policy directives to MPD." Schwalb has asked for a temporary restraining order on Bondi's order, and for the court to declare that Trump's executive order exceeds his authority over the District of Columbia. A hearing has been set for 2pm local time. "By declaring a hostile takeover of MPD, the Administration is abusing its limited, temporary authority under the Home Rule Act, infringing on the District's right to self-governance and putting the safety of DC residents and visitors at risk," Schwalb said in a statement on social media. "This is an affront to the dignity and autonomy of the 700,000 Americans who call DC home." Washington Mayor Muriel Bowser, a Democrat, said late Thursday that "there is no statute that conveys the District's personnel authority to a federal official". SPECIAL STATUS Unlike the 50 states, Washington operates under a unique relationship with the federal government that limits its autonomy and grants Congress extraordinary control over local matters. Since the mid-1970s, the Home Rule Act has allowed residents to elect a mayor and a city council, although Congress still controls the city's budget. The overwhelmingly Democratic city faces allegations from Republican politicians that it is overrun by crime, plagued by homelessness and financially mismanaged. But data from Washington police show significant drops in violent crime between 2023 and 2024, although that was coming off the back of a post-pandemic surge. Bowser said earlier this week that violent crime was "at its lowest level in 30 years". Trump has said he wants to tackle homeless encampments and move those sleeping rough "FAR from the Capital". Washington is ranked 15th on a list of major US cities by homeless population, according to government statistics from last year. On his Truth Social platform, Trump this week described Washington as "under siege from thugs and killers", with higher crime rates than "many of the most violent Third World Countries". But residents rejected that depiction.
