Miss Manners: Can saying ‘excuse me' be rude?

Washington Post

a day ago

Dear Miss Manners: I would like to hear your opinion on whether or not using 'Excuse me' can be rude.
In my opinion, if I can see that a person's activity will only take a minute, it is rude to say, 'Excuse me,' and expect them to stop what they're doing to allow me to accomplish my task. The proper thing to do, in my mind, is to patiently wait my turn. What do you think?
It depends on the activity.
If someone is standing in your way in the grocery aisle, trying to decide between mayonnaise brands, you should patiently wait your turn.
If that person is blocking you while texting a spouse, having an intense argument about whether mayonnaise should be in their diet at all, and should we even be married if you don't care enough to pick up the things I asked ... then the task at hand is not going to soon be accomplished. In that case, you may say, 'Excuse me,' with Miss Manners's blessing.
Note that tone is important, too. A haughty 'Well, exCUSE Me!' is always rude.
Dear Miss Manners: My brother and I celebrated the birthday of a close friend with several others. The dinner was at a local restaurant, beginning at 5 p.m. (stated time). We had difficulty finding parking and arrived fifteen minutes late, but not because we were careless of the time.
Our friends had a table just to the left of the front door. It was obvious that the remaining eight of them had arrived early, for there were empty glasses and picked-over appetizers. I don't see how they could have ordered and finished drinks and appetizers within 15 minutes or so, unless they'd all gathered prior to the stated time.
No one had mentioned they were going to do this or reached out to find why we were late.
Last to arrive, we soon had our own cocktails. Still, it bothers me that the rest of the party gathered before us. Most of these friends see each other at least twice a week, when we don't.
In prior birthday events, perhaps a couple arrived early and had a cocktail, but never the rest of the party together, so this hadn't bothered me before.
This time it did. Am I being oversensitive? I think if the party starts at a stated time, the guests arrive around that time and wait a few minutes before ordering anything. This situation has occurred before, but not to this degree. I feel my friends have moved on. Should I?
Your case would be a whole lot stronger had you not been 15 minutes late. As it stands, your friends could say they were not sure when or even if you were coming, so went ahead with ordering drinks. No doubt — they might add — the waitstaff was pressuring them to do so.
To get them to admit they were there longer than that would be tantamount to accusing them of fooling you — not a good look or a pleasant way to celebrate a birthday, Miss Manners assures you.
Perhaps you should hold off casting aside a whole group of close friends until you have evidence of malice. If you really want to catch them in the act, you had better get there on time or even early. That includes leaving extra time for parking.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
© 2025 Judith Martin