The One Screen-Time Rule All Parents Should Enforce

The Atlantic

2 days ago

As a mom, my news feed is flooded with cautionary tales about all the ways technology will ruin my kids—and all the ways I must protect them. Social-media bans. Screen-time limits. The 'Wait Until 8th' pledge. Analog technology. Read their texts. But wait, give them privacy! Add in the eye-roll-inducing reminder that 'every kid is different,' and the guidance will suck the joy out of parenting faster than your kid can download TikTok.
My children are young, but already I see the way my toddler signs more after watching an episode of Ms. Rachel, and the eager look in my 5-year-old's eyes when he asks for my phone to watch videos of komodo dragons. At this stage, their digital curiosity feels mostly harmless. But I know that soon we'll be debating whether they can download Snapchat and Instagram, not whether they can watch another episode of Wild Kratts on PBS Kids, and I dread the thought of having to navigate the thicket of advice.
So I listened up when the psychologist Jonathan Haidt, the author of The Anxious Generation, told me during a recent interview that there's one tech rule he 'really' regrets not following with his kids: no screens in the bedroom, ever. Immediately, I was drawn to the simplicity. There were no apps to download, no timers to set, nothing to buy. And I was comforted by how widely endorsed the guidance is. The psychologist Lisa Damour, who specializes in adolescent development, has told parents that if they implement only one tech rule, this should be it. Michael Rich, a pediatrician and the founder of Boston Children's Hospital's Digital Wellness Lab, told me that he 'strongly' recommends the same. It seemed like a holy grail—the rule to follow if you can follow only one rule.
Some of the reasons for the guidance are obvious. For years, experts, including those at the American Academy of Pediatrics, have urged parents to wrestle kids' screens out of their room in the evening. As many people well know, using screens at night delays bedtime, shortens sleep duration, and worsens sleep quality; phones can disrupt rest just by being in the same room, Lauren Hale, a professor studying sleep at Stony Brook Medicine, told me. The impacts of insufficient sleep can be wide ranging, including poor cognitive performance, worse academic outcomes, and lowered immune function. And crucially, 'anything that undermines sleep is going to undermine adolescent mental health,' Damour told me. Not getting enough sleep is a significant risk factor for suicidal thoughts and self-harm.
The promise of protecting my kids' mental health would have been enough to convince me to declare their bedrooms screen-free zones. But, experts told me, the benefits extend even further. For one, unlike so many other rules, keeping screens out of bedrooms doesn't just impose temporary restrictions that kids will likely ignore as soon as they get an ounce of freedom. It can also help them develop a healthy relationship with technology—one that they'll carry with them as they get older. Rich called this 'future-proofing' your kid.
To some extent, Damour told me, adults will naturally become more responsible with technology as they get older and develop better impulse control. But before that time comes, this rule can keep teens from doing things online they may regret. When kids can use their devices only in communal areas such as the kitchen and the living room, there's the obvious plus that parents can keep an eye on what they're doing. Kristina Wright, a mom and writer who lives near Richmond, Virginia, told me that when her teenage son live-games with friends in common areas while she works from home, she can easily ask him about any unfamiliar voices. But a more profound mental shift happens in kids' brains, Damour said. In such a public space, it's a lot harder to forget that anything they do on their computer or phone can become, well, public. Compare that with how many tend to make choices alone in the middle of the night, when 'their impulses are strong and their brakes are weak,' Damour said, and the difference is striking.
In addition to facilitating better decision making, using screens around family can be a reminder that many of the best uses of these devices are the most social ones. Scrolling next to Mom and Dad on the couch, kids might feel more inclined to invite parents into their digital life, which, for many kids, is no different from their real life. Rich said that kids often tell him they want their parents to pay more attention to them. They might actually enjoy showing off the TikTok dance they learned, or explaining what rizz means (even if they cringe when their parents try to say it). Conversations like these can create richer family relationships and help counteract smartphones' isolating nature. Along the way, parents might learn about what their kids are into and the world they're growing up in. And at the very least, Damour said, kids won't get a chance to develop the habit of holing up in their bedroom with their phone and never coming out.
No other solution to the kids-and-tech conundrum that I've heard of seems likely to be nearly this effective. The 'Wait Until 8th' pledge is great—until phones come and risk tanking kids' sleep and judgment just as they're starting high school. WiFi shutoffs, parental controls, social-media bans, and other restrictions can help fill the gap, but many kids will figure out ways to flout the rules. If your kid uses their phone alone in their room at night, would you even know about their secret finsta? Although it's true that they could break the no-tech-in-bedrooms rule by sneaking their phone in when parents aren't looking, that type of rule-breaking is easier to guard against by keeping devices in parents' rooms or even in lockboxes. Sure, forbidding screens entirely or reverting to '90s tech might promise to solve all our worries, but in a society that's growing more reliant on technology, not everyone wants to limit their kid in that way. And if kids don't have experience using tech, they won't have any opportunities to practice using it responsibly.
Parents ready to ban phones from the bedroom would do well to first invest in an old-fashioned alarm clock or radio to make sure their kids don't miss those functions on their phone. Even more important, parents may want to consider following the rule themselves too, Andrea Davis, a mom in Hood River, Oregon, who coaches families on how to navigate technology, told me. Leading by example is much easier. Otherwise, putting the rule into practice is simple. Davis has a charging station in her home office; her kids are responsible for plugging their devices in before bedtime. Hale told me it doesn't matter where you stash your screens, so long as you 'routinize it to make it part of the family plan.'
Over time, if kids prove themselves responsible, parents might consider exceptions. Sometimes it's easier for teens to do their homework on a laptop in their bedroom. As kids get older (or in moments when dueling FaceTimes in the living room grow too chaotic), parents might let their children take calls with trusted friends alone in their bedroom. But it is crucial to establish a firm boundary from the start—preferably right when devices are doled out. That's when, as Damour told me, kids are so excited 'that they will very happily agree to all sorts of parameters.'
To be clear, I'm not suggesting that parents who opt in to this rule forget about all the others. I certainly won't. Still, for those who don't know where to start, this may be a good first step. I'm sure my sons will grumble about it. But I'm holding on to hope that later on, maybe, just maybe, they'll thank me.