Dear Abby: My husband won't let me wear our granddaughter's ashes
DEAR ABBY: We recently suffered the loss of our first grandchild. She was only 24 and taken far too soon. My partner and I are working through our grief, which is challenging as we are in different stages. He also struggles with multiple mental health issues. They make things even more difficult, as I need to help him through some outbursts while I am feeling crushed by this tragedy. Counseling will likely happen in the near future.
My issue right now is that my daughter and I have chosen to get memorial jewelry. In my case, it will be a small raindrop pendant that will hold some of my granddaughter's ashes. I told my partner I was doing this, as surprises don't go over well with him and it's best to give him a lot of warning. He now has concerns that if I wear the necklace, it will continually remind him of the loss.
I want to keep my granddaughter as close to my heart as I can. I'm not sure I can compromise on this, short of wearing it only when he's not around. But he is retired, and I mostly work from home, so he's around all the time. I don't want to continually upset him by reminding him, so I am at a loss. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. — REMEMBERING IN CANADA
DEAR REMEMBERING: Please accept my sympathy for the untimely loss of your granddaughter. Clearly, you are dealing with a lot right now. The fact that your partner suffers from mental illness only adds to it. That you want to keep some part of your granddaughter close to you is understandable. However, if seeing you wearing the raindrop pendant would set him back, consider having it made but not wearing it until he's further along in the grieving process. I hope he receives his much-needed counseling soon.
DEAR ABBY: I have many reasons not to trust my husband. We have been together going on six years, married for 3 1/2 of them. I recently found out he texted his ex-live-in girlfriend to wish her 'Happy Birthday.' When I asked him why, he said he always has done this. I don't understand the need. They don't keep in touch otherwise as far as I know. He never deletes old messages, so there's usually a trail and there really isn't one with her.
He got mad at me (as usual) and couldn't understand my point of view. I also know he has consulted a lawyer in the last few months to inquire about how our things would be divided in a case of divorce. Should I be concerned? Isn't it disrespectful for him to text his ex? — CONFLICTED IN MAINE
DEAR CONFLICTED: You have focused on the wrong problem. Rather than fight with your husband because he sent a former girlfriend birthday wishes, you should be hyper-concerned about why he has been consulting a divorce lawyer. (!!) I don't know how emotionally distanced the two of you have become, but from where I sit, it's time to enlist the aid of a marriage and family counselor.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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