Toxic Positivity: The Unwelcome Companion in My Breast Cancer Journey
Growing up, I was surrounded by sayings that reinforced a positive mindset, like 'mind over matter' and 'be positive – things will work out.' Positivity seemed like the ultimate virtue. So how could it possibly become toxic?
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is the overgeneralization of a positive mindset to the point where it dismisses or invalidates someone's emotions and experiences. It often manifests when someone shares their struggles and is met with phrases encouraging them to 'stay cheerful' or 'look on the bright side.' While these responses may seem well-meaning, they can feel dismissive and even harmful.
My First Encounter With Toxic Positivity
I first encountered toxic positivity during the early days of my breast cancer diagnosis. Some of the things people said to me included:
'You should be happy it's just breast cancer.'
'Oh, it's just breast cancer, you'll be fine.'
'At least it's not stage 4.'
These comments left me upset and confused. How could I be happy? What did they mean by 'just' breast cancer? At the time, I didn't fully understand why anyone would say such things.
As I continued my journey, I encountered even more examples of toxic positivity. One particularly common remark within the breast cancer community is, 'At least you get a free boob job out of it.' Yes, someone actually said this to me personally, and sadly, I've heard it echoed by others as well.
What I've Learned About Toxic Positivity
Through my experience, I've realized that too often, people urge us to 'stay positive' or 'smile – things will get better.' But they're wrong. I don't believe these comments come from a place of malice. Instead, I think people genuinely believe they're helping. Most of the time, these remarks stem from discomfort with pain and a desire to 'fix' it with positivity.
However, in moments of vulnerability, it's important not to sugarcoat reality. Being true to yourself – even when it's messy or uncomfortable – is vital. Suppressing emotions can harm your mental well-being, both in the moment and over time. It's crucial to allow yourself to feel all your emotions fully and authentically.
What Support Really Helped
The most meaningful support I received during my journey came from loved ones who were simply present for me. Whether it was a visit, a text, or a call, their presence meant everything. Time is the most precious gift someone can give. It's irreplaceable. Knowing someone was willing to share that with me was invaluable.
Another form of support I highly recommend is the act of listening – without interruptions, suggestions, or platitudes. It's natural to want to ease someone's pain, but in moments when someone is pouring their heart out, silence speaks louder than words. Sometimes, all I needed was someone to hold my hand and share the space with me.
Positivity often stems from a place of good intentions, but can inadvertently cause harm. If you're supporting someone through a difficult time, remember that you don't need to have all the answers. Simply being there, offering your time and presence, and allowing space for raw, unfiltered emotions can be the greatest gift of all.
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