Most people get 1 thing wrong about becoming happier, says expert: Do this to feel fulfilled and at peace instead
Happiness is simpler than that, expert Mo Gawdat said on a June 24 episode of Simon Sinek's "A Bit of Optimism" podcast. Crossing off goals on a wish list won't make you feel better long-term. Instead, happiness comes from paying attention to what makes you feel stressed, drained or held back, and eliminating those elements, Gawdat said.
"If you understand [that] your default setting is 'happy,' then there is nothing you need to bring from outside you to find happiness," said Gawdat, 58. "You need to remove s--- to be happy."Gawdat learned the lesson first-hand, he said. A former chief business officer at Google, he became "filthy rich at age 29," and had all the trappings of a successful life: a high-paying job, a house with a pool, a family and fancy cars, he said. Still, he often felt depressed, he added.
"The more you succeed and realize that this is not what you want, the more depressed you become," said Gawdat.
His life changed after his son Ali died at age 21 during a routine appendectomy in 2014, he said. Inspired by Ali's zest for life, he said, he sat down to learn and write about happiness, resulting in his first book, "Solve for Happy: Engineer Your Path to Joy." He's since published three more books, including his latest, "Unstressable: A Practical Guide for Stress-Free Living."
Removing unhappiness from your life could mean ending an ill-matched friendship or relationship, or quitting a draining job, said Gawdat. It could also mean removing any internal expectations you have that don't match reality, he added.
You shouldn't buy a vintage car, for example, unless working and spending money on maintaining it brings you joy, he said. And if your day-to-day mood depends on everything consistently going your way, that mindset should go on your list of things that make you unhappy, he added — particularly if you're easily bothered by events you can't control, like bad weather or unexpected road traffic.
Setting realistic expectations for your life takes practice and accountability, said Gawdat.
"If you want rain, rain makes you happy. If you don't want rain, rain makes you unhappy," he said. "It's not what life gives you. It's what life gives you in comparison of what you want life to give you."
Misaligned expectations — expecting something to make you happy, when it has little chance of doing so — can contribute to your stress and lack of personal fulfillment, particularly around money, relationships and careers, some other experts say.
"Most of our anxiety stems from what I call 'big P' Purpose, which is overly focused on the outcome or destination. It's the kind of purpose that made me want to become a doctor, for example," Dr. Jordan Grumet, a hospice medical director and author, wrote for CNBC Make It on April 4.
"'Little P' purpose, on the other hand, focuses on the path or process ... We can't always choose the outcome, but we can choose what activities to fill our lives with," he continued. "Unlike big audacious goals that take years or even decades to achieve, the small, more personal types of purpose are ongoing projects that are enjoyable regardless of the results. It's a win no matter what."
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