The really suspicious thing behind conspiracy theories
'You know what makes me really suspicious,' said the barman. 'Why there's so many conspiracy theories. Someone's got to be behind it all…'
Ropey behaviour
Retired PE teacher John Leigh recalls a rule-breaking pupil.
This errant youth once exhibited his love of classic movies by swinging on a rope one-handed while yodelling like Tarzan.
All was going well until the boy, very unlike Tarzan, lost his grip and thumped to the floor.
John rushed to the dazed and confused scamp, with the intention of pretending to show concern for the briefest of moments before inflicting a jolly good scolding.
'So what have you learned, laddie?' growled John, fully expecting the trounced teen Tarzan to explain in great detail that he now understood why it's always wrong to behave foolishly in class and ignore safety precautions.
Instead the boy merely said: 'The lesson I learned from doing that is not to do that.'
Ann Burnett sends us conclusive evidence that the liquidy stuff that squirts out of a cow's udders can be adapted into something you can spread on toast. (Image: Contributed)
Brekky badinage
Sometimes it's hard to enjoy a meal, especially when you're sitting opposite your mortal enemy, ie the person to whom you happen to be married.
Alice Watkins was attempting to munch her bacon and eggs at breakfast, but instead ended up having a tiff with hubby.
At one point her old fella raised his fork and glared through it meaningfully at his wife.
'What on earth are you doing?' hissed Alice.
'Looking through this fork and pretending you're banged-up in jail,' said hubby. 'It gives me the happy ever after I'm looking for.'
Brought to book
We mentioned a chap with an impressive library.
Keith Sanders also has a pal who owns oodles of books, all stored in the living room.
'Ever read 'em?' inquired Keith.
'Nah,' said the pal. 'But it's great having so many bookshelves. It means never having to change the wallpaper.'
Cold-shouldered
The Diary is discussing the couple caught cuddling on camera at a Coldplay gig.
'Imagine living with the shame and embarrassment of being seen at a Coldplay concert,' shudders Peter Wright from West Kilbride. 'What would your friends and colleagues think?'
Dead funny
A grim joke of the reaperish kind from reader Jim Sharp, who asks: 'What do you call a deceased Finnish man?'
The answer, of course, is… 'Finnished.'
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