Ladies, would you carry this tarty Waitrose bag?

The Herald Scotland

02-06-2025

Which reminds Kilcreggan Church of Scotland minister, Christine Murdoch, of an infestation of bees in one of her churches.
'So,' she says, 'I baptised them and confirmed them, and we haven't seen them since…'
Musical youth
WHEN Cameron Merriweather from Larkhall was a young chap he occasionally played in a ceilidh band, and there were various reactions to the performances.
On one evening the singer was crooning a slow, sad song from Tiree.
Cameron noticed that a lady in the front row was becoming emotional, with tears flowing down her cheeks.
At the end of the number the singer went forward to comfort her.
'Are you from Tiree?' she asked. 'I saw that you were quite upset. Was it the Tiree song?'
'No,' came the reply. 'I'm a singing teacher.'
Chip chat
THE serving staff in dining establishments aren't merely in the 'trying to reach the table without dropping the plate of soup' business.
They are also communications professionals. Though admittedly not all of them have mastered this second skill.
While visiting a restaurant, reader Willie Mould overheard the woman at the next table say to the young waitress: 'Tell me more about your triple-cooked chips…'
'Well,' replied the well-informed waitress, 'they're chips that have been cooked three times.'
Love, Italian style
FINE dining, continued.
Reader Bob Smallwood tells us that he went on a first date the other evening, and to impress the comely lass he was with, he splashed out by taking her to a swanky Italian restaurant.
'It cost me a pretty penne,' he says.
China dolls
THE Diary's Far East correspondent David Donaldson files a report regarding a scientific breakthrough which will delight every grubby geezer in a seedy grey raincoat.
In China, advances have been made in the construction of those fake-female automatons that some blokes purchase, rather than brave the entanglements of an adult relationship with a flesh and blood human being.
Developments in AI (artificial intelligence) have made the risqué robots more lifelike, though apparently not lifelike enough to dump the dodgy dudes buying them.
Meanwhile, our correspondent wonders how those same blokes are attempting to woo their AI enhanced robot partners.
'Must be using ChatUpGPT,' he suggests.
Fab at folding
CREATIVE reader Emma O'Brien proudly reveals: 'I got an 'A' in my origami assessment when I turned my paper in to my teacher.'