Go Ask Alex: My partner lost his sex drive after we committed. Now what?

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20 hours ago

You mentioned in a recent article that you have struggled with a lack of sex drive when you love someone (and mentioned avoidant attachment styles).
My partner and I are going through an identical thing, where he lost his libido after we settled into a committed relationship.
We love each other so much and have talked about it a bunch, plus he's had therapy regarding finding ways to bring sex back into our relationship. We are open, which also helps scratch the itch, but he is the man I love, and I need to believe we will get through this and find each other again.
I am doing everything in my power to give him space when he needs it and put zero pressure on him, but the truth is, when we are together, I am on fire for him, and it's hard to continually feel rejected.
Could you offer any advice on how you have navigated this and what worked? Thank you so much!
Hey there,
I don't know if it's as easy as that — if there are things that 'work,' strategies for bringing back the heat, especially with people like me.
If you love each other deeply, is there no possibility of transitioning to a loving relationship that doesn't involve much sex — perhaps a setup where others meet your sexual needs?
My longest and best relationship was like that. He was my platonic life partner, and the relationship was so good that I will measure all future boyfriends against him.
He and I still had intimacy — we cuddled, watched TV, cooked together, and did everything else — but sexually, we had similar struggles. We had a hard time keeping the heat in committed relationships. Lucky for us, we were the same. We met our sexual needs with others, then came home and cuddled after.
Whatever way forward you choose, I think there is very little you can do. This is his responsibility — his trauma, his work, his stuff. The responsibility falls on him to understand how he works, communicates, and makes the extra effort.
He probably won't ever 'fix' his struggles with sex — I'm not sure I think that's possible for adults. But he can acknowledge, as I have, that this is his burden, his responsibility, his thing to manage within the relationship, not yours.
That's a big realization. For a long time, I thought everyone else was just clingy and too attached — I thought I was the only sane, reasonable person in the dating game. Wrong: I had real, severe sex and intimacy issues. In therapy, I realized it's not other people's job to adapt to my ways — it's my job to adapt to theirs.
My sex issues are my business, and I have to work on them; sometimes that work simply means recognizing when I'm shutting down sexually because someone is getting too close — because the feelings are getting a little strong — and doing my best (not always successfully) to keep the heat going, because I love them.
The fact is, I can't change how I am — and your man can't either. But awareness helps guys like us communicate effectively through the problem, ask for space and patience, and convey how we feel. After that, I just have to hope my partners will be kind and understanding. That's the best I can do. That's the best he can do too.
He won't suddenly turn on his sex drive if he's lost it — and if he's like me, he likely feels deeply frustrated and ashamed about that. He probably feels broken, like he's letting down someone he loves. (And, just to be blunt: He is.) He probably wishes he could be 'on fire' for you too. He may not be able to convey that wish to you — he may never be able to — but if he's avoidant, he wishes it, and that has to be enough for you, or you should leave him.
I mean that. If it gets too much — if the sting of being continually rejected gets too painful, as it surely must be — you will need to make a difficult choice: You should either let go of him sexually and keep him as a loving, platonic life partner while seeking a fiery sexual relationship (or several) elsewhere, or you should leave him. Because your needs matter too.
I know that's a brutal choice. It's not fair. But, my dear, he's in therapy. He's doing the work. Do you know how few men are in therapy for their intimacy issues? There's just not much more you can ask of him.
If he's still not turning on the sex — if he's not initiating — it's because he can't, and that's his problem. It's not because of anything you've done wrong. This is probably just what happens when he knows someone as deeply and intimately as he knows you. He's probably beating himself up over this, but that doesn't take away the fact that your needs are not being met. Since he can't meet them, you should satisfy them with someone else.
I admit: I have reservations about attachment theory. I believe it can serve as a valuable starting point for self-reflection, but I struggle with its fundamental premise. I bristle against any theory that categorizes people so neatly, and I scratch my head a bit at the claim that how we're handled as babies shapes our entire adult romantic lives.
A plethora of other factors must surely come into play. Would I be so avoidant if I weren't a gay man born to conservative, homophobic parents? I've read Attached by Drs. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller — the book was such a hit that it's all but standardized how people speak about this subject — and it makes little mention of the role that social factors like homophobia and religion play in a person's development.
Attachment theory focuses heavily on babies and postnatal care. But my avoidance, if anything, is a defense I learned in high school, when two people I trusted became, overnight, the parents who still break my heart today. I'm avoidant because my first life lesson was how to shut down around the unsafe people I loved.
Knowing this — after years of therapy — I can tell partners when I need space. And, knowing I am likely to shut down sexually, I can make extra effort to turn someone on and initiate sex — even fake it — in order to show them love and care. That's what I have to do sometimes.
Your partner may not quite be there yet, and that's OK. Decide what you can bear and how long you can bear it. You're allowed to put your needs first. If there's been no progress after a set time, I'd say it's best to turn off the sex drive with him and fire it up with someone else — or let him go entirely.
I know it hurts. On behalf of him and all avoidant types, I'm sorry.
In case this story helps:Mmy book editor knows me better than anyone, and he once advised a man who was trying to win my affection. He said, 'Alex is like a butterfly. If you try to catch him in a net, you'll kill him. It's very frustrating, but you have to stand very still and wait for the butterfly to land on your shoulder. It might not happen often, and not as soon as you like, but when it does, it's wonderful. And then the butterfly flies off again.'
He told me this years later, and as much as I bristled at being so summarily understood, he was right. With avoidant types, it's a waiting game. Don't wait forever.
Hey there! I'm Alexander Cheves. I'm a sex writer and former sex worker—I worked in the business for over 12 years. You can read my sex-and-culture column Last Call in Out and my book My Love Is a Beast: Confessions, from Unbound Edition Press. But be warned: Kirkus Reviews says the book is "not for squeamish readers.'
In the past, I directed (ahem) adult videos and sold adult products. I have spoken about subjects like cruising, sexual health, and HIV at the International AIDS Conference, SXSW, the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, and elsewhere, and appeared on dozens of podcasts.
Here, I'm offering sex and relationship advice to Out's readers. Send your question to [e-mail] — it may get answered in a future post.
This article originally appeared on Out: Go Ask Alex: My partner lost his sex drive after we committed. Now what?
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