Don't snoop through your partner's phone. Learn to sleuth instead

Yahoo

3 days ago

Put yourself in Emma's shoes: You're scrolling on your phone and get a text notification that says, 'Hey girly, your boyfriend said you guys would have a threesome with me, and I think he didn't tell you about that.'
Would you (a) ignore the message or (b) look through his conveniently unattended phone?
If you chose (b), don't feel too bad. Nearly 30% of American adults say it's at least sometimes acceptable to look through a significant other's phone without permission, according to a Pew Research Center survey.
'I have looked through many of my partners' phones, and I definitely have quite a few stories,' said Emma, who didn't want to include her last name to protect her privacy.
An age-old debate surrounding phone snooping has been revived by the July breakup between JaNa Craig and Kenny Rodriguez, stars of the 2024 season of the reality dating show 'Love Island USA.'
'Discovering that someone you loved isn't who you thought they were and that the relationship you thought you were building hasn't been genuine since day one has been truly devastating,' Craig wrote in an Instagram story post confirming the split. Craig's friend then took to Instagram to advise other women in relationships to 'go thru your mans phone TODAY' if they had access and search for 'keywords like 'I don't like black women, I thought I would get more money from this'' — potentially implying newly discovered racism and dishonest intentions for being in the relationship on Rodriguez's part. (Craig and Rodriguez haven't confirmed these implications nor the more specific details of their breakup.)
Searching through someone's phone may not be aligned with a person's character and values, but they might have valid suspicions and no other way find the truth — so they look.
Doing so may turn out to be fair game when you learn incriminating information, according to divorce lawyer Dennis R. Vetrano, who is also a mediator and content creator based in New York's Hudson Valley.
Not so much to this psychologist.
'In general, I think that invading another person's private space — whether it's snooping on their phone, reading their personal journal, or invading their physical space — is unethical without their permission,' said Dr. Cortney Warren, board certified clinical psychologist and adjunct clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas.
Snooping also can be illegal, depending on privacy laws in your state or other jurisdiction, so it's not advised that you go through your partner's phone, according to Vetrano.
But is such snooping even necessary anymore? With so much out in the public sphere online, do you really need to snoop? Why not replace snooping with sleuthing?
Do you need to look through a partner's phone?
The easy answer is no.
While snooping is considered a breach of privacy because you're searching for information someone hasn't given you permission to access, with sleuthing you're working with information that's available in an online public space.
And so many people are online: Seventy percent of American adults are on Facebook, 50% on Instagram, and 33% on TikTok, according to a 2024 survey.
Sleuthing is easier these days with the creation of websites that can locate dating profiles, apps that track location, and most notably, social media platforms that allow you to see everyone who a person follows and the content they like. It's all there for anyone to mine.
That was the case with Emma.
'I had already been kind of suspicious of this boyfriend for a while,' Emma said. 'So I was sleuthing through (his) TikTok following, and it was just girl after girl after girl of those OnlyFans models and anime cosplayers that, you know, cosplay minor characters in very inappropriate ways.'
Is sleuthing OK to do?
'Technology is out there to track everything that you do, so I think the question — is it the right thing to do — is really something that we have to center on,' said Dr. Angela Corbo, a professor and chair of the department of communication studies at Widener University in Chester, Pennsylvania.
As far as Emma was concerned, going through her previous partners' social media followings was justified because she was accessing public information and she ended up finding evidence of behavior she didn't like.
'I had been very straight up with my partners, and I don't like (them) following OnlyFans models because honestly, it was kind of embarrassing when everybody can see that your partner is liking photos and sharing weird adult content videos publicly,' she said.
When it comes to social media, people can formulate an image of what another person is like based on who they follow and the content with which they interact.
'I think social media is a great way of getting an idea without waiting for someone to show you, or without having to break someone's boundaries and invade their privacy,' said Diana Prime, a relationship coach on Instagram and TikTok. 'If someone has adult-rated content, if they're following OnlyFans models, that is enough to not continue a relationship with that person because it gives you an insight to what they do.'
Is snooping through someone's phone still wrong?
Yes, Warren said.
Snooping is also a sign of other troubles, such as not respecting your partner, Prime said. In that case, you're 'not going to think twice about invading their privacy.'
Generally, sleuthing 'is different in the sense that the material online is often public — so the deceptive element of violating a partner's personal boundaries is less pronounced,' said Warren, author of 'Letting Go of Your Ex: CBT Skills to Heal the Pain of a Breakup and Overcome Love Addiction.'
Think of it like this: Say you're sitting beside a partner and happen to glimpse a notification on their phone. 'You've done nothing wrong,' Corbo said. 'I think it's when you go behind somebody's back to retrieve information that they're not giving you permission for — I think that's when a violation has occurred.'
You're already in breakup territory if you're feeling like your partner's behavior leaves you no other option but to snoop. 'That's a deeper-rooted problem that will lead to bigger issues down the road, and that's enough to walk away from someone, because what happens when you find information by snooping is that you hurt your own feelings times 10,' she said.
'It will do you more damage to snoop through that person's phone than to honor your own intuition about something being off,' Prime added. 'What within you wants to play things out, versus just trusting yourself the first time?'
If your ex-partners have treated you badly and you're regularly suspicious of a partner who hasn't given you a reason to be, Corbo suggested evaluating your feelings and considering the evidence before you assume the worst.
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CNN's Kristen Rogers contributed to this report.