Woman Loses Husband to Alcoholism, Unprepared for Message She Then Receives
In the midst of profound grief, preparing for her ex-husband's cremation, Annie Parker, a 43-year-old mother of two teenage boys, received a text.
The message, from one of her late husband's friends and whether intentionally or not, laid bare the immense stigma and blame often directed at the families of individuals battling addiction.
In an Instagram reel, she shared her raw reaction to the message, which had resonated with over 14,000 viewers at the time of writing. Parker spoke to Newsweek about why she chooses to share her experience of the impact of end of life alcoholism, and what she wishes people understood about addiction.
In 2020 and recently divorced after years of struggling with his alcoholism, Parker was waiting to see Chris for the final time when she received a text: "I know I'm asking tough questions, but my friend is dead and there's this whole secret life that was going on that I just want to understand...I know it's tough right now, but I'm just so confused. There are people in this world that can deal with reality and don't put up a facade that they have a perfect life...I am very sickened."
Photos from Annie Parker's Instagram reel sharing the message she received from her husband's friend after his passing.
Photos from Annie Parker's Instagram reel sharing the message she received from her husband's friend after his passing.
@anniethesafeparent/TikTok
Parker's reaction to the message was shared in her reel's caption: "I am sickened. When I heard those words, I was shocked...I didn't get any peaceful time to grieve my husband's death. I didn't even have time to grieve our divorce. Anyone who has questions about why I still call Chris my husband after we were divorced...if you don't already know, you will never understand."
"Family and friends of alcoholics are harsh...They know what's going on, don't help, and then lash out at the spouse as if we had a magical wand to cure alcoholism and just didn't wave it," she wrote.
Finding Strength Amidst Blame and Grief
When Parker first received the message, she told Newsweek she was in a state of "new, complicated, deep grief."
Years of living with active alcoholism had left her depleted and her initial reaction was to defend herself.
"I felt really confused and had been broken down by years of living with active alcoholism in my home," she said. "I responded by trying to explain myself and my innocence, which now breaks my heart."
Her response to those who assign blame to the spouses of alcoholics is unwavering: "I am not here to defend my decisions or my actions. If a person hasn't lived in my shoes, they could never begin to understand my journey," she said. "I don't expect them to. I just also don't expect them to start pointing fingers, but here we are...If they were his real friends, they would know that never ever, in a million years, would Chris want them blaming me for what happened. Rest assured that everyone who needed to know details, did."
The Misunderstood Realities of Addiction
Parker said she shared her vulnerable journey online for several reasons.
"When a person is in active addiction, it's really hard to speak out about it because doing so can feel shameful and harmful toward that person," she explained. Her mission now is to "help educate and support others in the aftermath of something horrible that happened to my family."
A significant part of her advocacy addresses societal misconceptions surrounding alcoholism and the pervasive stigma.
"Society tends to have addiction all wrong. There is so much stigma surrounding alcoholism. This is common knowledge, yet most people stick to their outdated beliefs because they don't know any differently," she said. She uses social media to create a safe space for spouses and family members of alcoholics, who are often unfairly blamed.
"The spouses get blamed so often for things like 'leaving our partners when they need us the most' and 'breaking our vows' or causing our partners' alcoholism because we 'are too controlling,'" she added.
Parker emphasized that it is not a family member's responsibility to save others—nor is it even in their realm of ability. "We can support one another and encourage one another, but we cannot save each other," she said. "We can only save ourselves and, in many cases, we are forced to save our children from their sick parent."
Her brave act of sharing her story aims to change the narrative surrounding alcoholism in the home. She continues to advocate for the often-overlooked suffering of families: "The alcoholic is suffering and does need and deserve support," she said. "That is well known. The family is suffering and needs and deserves support too. That's why I'm here."
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