93 phalluses and well-hung horses - the Bayeux Tapestry decoded

Daily Mirror

09-07-2025

The mysteries of the propaganda and porn of England's most important historical relic show the embroidered tale of William's invasion was just as important in Anglo French relations in 1066 as it is now
The Bayeux Tapestry is coming home for the first time in 900 years – where experts believe it was made in the first place, as a piece of medieval propaganda by Kent needleworkers with a saucy sense of humour.
Nearly 70m long and 50cm tall, the wool-embroidered fragile linen cloth is a woven story of the events leading up to the Norman Conquest of England in 1066 – but history, as we know, belongs to the victors. In the spring of that year, the King of England Edward the Confessor had died, leaving his country in political turmoil. Into the breach stepped William, Duke of Normandy, who had almost certainly been promised the crown by his first cousin once removed, Edward.
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But Harold, who was the son of the real power behind the English throne, Godwine, Earl of Wessex, took it for his own, despite having sworn an oath of support to William. It was for this reason that William's ruthless Norman invasion fleet crossed the English Channel and decisively trounced King Harold II - slaughtering thousands on a hilltop near Hastings, in the fading autumn light of October 14, 1066.
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That date – which is etched into every schoolchild's mind – changed the course of history for England. Even now, 900 years later, the 11th century tapestry is the most iconic image of its time.
'It tells the story of probably the most important event in English history, a massive transformation in society, culture and economy in England,' explains Dr Dave Musgrove, content director of BBC History Magazine and the HistoryExtra podcast, and also co-author with Prof Michael Lewis of the Story of the Bayeux Tapestry.
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'It is such a powerful, resonant, vivid document using the power of the imagery which still speaks to us today.' President Macron's announcement at the dazzling state banquet in front of King Charles, the royal family and rock stars Mick Jagger and Elton John that he will loan the Bayeux Tapestry to the British Museum next year, was made in the spirit of Anglo French Entente Cordiale.
But the extra layer of intrigue is that, according to historian Dr Musgrove, the tapestry may have been commissioned in the first place to placate the defeated English – and bring together the warring countries.
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Much of the history of the relic is unknown and open to a great deal of interpretation – both now and by medieval minds. The characters buried within the 58 scenes of several stitched cloth panels, that were sewn together to make one piece, reveal a lot about the fashions, politics, carpentry and ship-building of the time.
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Historians have also unravelled its rude secrets and found willy-waving soldiers and well-hung horses. But, a bit like a medieval social media post that lacks nuance, it was probably created as a 'simplistic narrative' that William had a 'decent claim to the throne of England, that he was justified in his invasion, and his adversary, Harold, was a worthy opponent to be applauded for his military prowess'.
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Dr Musgrove says you have to read between the woven lines. 'The beauty of the tapestry are the little Latin captions which are very terse and don't really tell you anything, which is one of the reasons it might have been made to bring people together, because you can read it and look at it in so many different ways,' he says.
Before we even get to the blood and gore of the battle itself, the tapestry starts about a year before the main event.
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'It's the story of how Harold Godwinson, who at that point was an important earl in England, but not the King, gets himself entangled in Normandy,' explains Dr Musgrove. 'He goes on a sea voyage to Normandy, finds himself probably as an unwelcome guest of William, and then they go on some adventures together and Harold is painted as heroic.'
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History lessons tell us the Normans brutally asserted their control over his newly-conquered kingdom, but there is another theory to explain why the English are treated well and Harold is painted as a hero in the tapestry.
'We think this might have been made at a particular moment in time shortly after the battle, when William was trying to bring everyone together,' says the historian.
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This very un-Normanlike touchy-feely attitude didn't last long. 'By 1070 William had enough of rebellions and took a much harsher line,' says Dr Musgrove. One of the more famous scenes in the tapestry is the Halley's Comet which appeared in the sky in 1066 after the death of King Edward.
Dr Musgrove continues: 'It's a portent of bad luck, so this is a commentary on the fact that Harold has had himself crowned when he shouldn't have, because he's made this oath to William'. Nobody is sure exactly why the tapestry was commissioned or exactly when, but there are theories about it, including a story as old as time about a boastful power-seeking nobleman.
'The main theory is that it was created by Bishop Odo of Bayeux, who was William the Conqueror's half-brother, because he has surprising prominence in the tapestry,' says Dr Musgrove. 'Perhaps he wanted to be memorialised in an artefact for his cathedral? Or he wanted to curry favour with William, who he'd fallen out with and wanted to sort of show what a marvellous thing the Norman conquest was.'
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It clearly worked, as Bishop Odo was made Earl of Kent after the conquest. But the first clear documentary reference for the tapestry wasn't until 1476 when it appeared in an inventory at Bayeux Cathedral.
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However, Dr Musgrove says most experts would agree that it was probably made in Canterbury by English seamstresses, who were famous for their needlework. 'We had a rich tradition in Anglo-Saxon embroidery, and also in the Latin captions there are bits of English language,' he explains.
'Importantly, some of the scenes seem to be almost directly copied in their content and their style from scenes in illuminated manuscripts, which we know were held in monastic libraries in Canterbury in the 11th century.' And there was one more link – the power-crazed Bishop Odo was also in charge in Canterbury.
The original embroidery is kept in the Bayeux Museum in Normandy, but a replica created in the late 19th century is held at Reading Museum.
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'Seeing Mick Jagger at the banquet reminded me that Charlie Watts also owned a replica of the Bayeux tapestry – there were a few copies made in the 19th century,' adds the author. But the nudity and willy waving figures sewn into the borders around the battle scenes were actually censored by the Victorians in their versions. Underpants were sewn over offending genitals and even horses' genetalia was covered!
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While pictures of phalluses are often symbols of fertility in different cultures, in our Anglo-Saxon tapestry they very much give off 'rich bloke in sports car' energy. 'There are 93 penises in the tapestry,' confirms Dr Musgrove. 'Although 88 of those belong to horses. What's quite fun is that William the Conqueror is riding a horse with a a memorably large appendage.'
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There could be a 94th among the human figures of men – and women – with their genitals exposed, but Dr Musgrove says a question hangs over whether 'what's dangling below his garments is a penis or a scabbard or sword'.
Again, nobody knows the reason for the rude nudes. They may just be some sort of commentary on what is happening in the main battle. Otherwise, it was created for the monks in Canterbury and, as the historian proposes, 'it's actually a big sort of moral commentary on the sins of worldly people'.
Another explanation - given the earthy nature of soldiers - is that it's simply medieval porn. 'The tapestry may well have been created for military men who fought in the Battle of Hastings to remind them of their glories,' suggests Dr Musgrove.
'They might have been the sort of chaps who are amused by depictions of naked people, and they're providing moments of levity to what is essentially a bloody story.' Which basically means the tapestry could also be a 900-year-old sex text!