Humor: The Last Dating App on Earth

Yahoo

17-07-2025

Is your dating life a natural disaster? Are you going through your own extreme drought? Tired of feeling carbon-neutral about your love life? Looking to share your fleeting hopes, dreams, and atmos-fears with someone special? Ready to get out of the friend ozone? Hoping the next UN Report is about the heatwave in your bedroom?
If you had time to read all those questions, it means you haven't yet been swallowed by the sea.
And there's more good news! Despite the already devastating impacts of climate change, you can still make an impact on your devastating love life. Introducing Cli-Mate, the newest—and final—dating app that lets you swipe right on who's left!
Whether you're looking for something short-term or even-shorter term, we're on an (e)mission to help you land locally sourced, down-to-earth partners while you wait out the looming doom. The Cli-Mate app is a natural resource for anyone eager to give their lust or love life the green light, before the universe leaves all of us on read.
The two most popular app modes are:
Cli-Mate Change — Something Casual
Put the 'do' in doomsday! This option is great for those actively looking to change mates frequently before the inevitable apocalypse. If you have the kind of renewable energy to flood your remaining days with infinite lovers who are willing to rise (like the sea) to the challenge, you'll thrive in this environment.
Cli-Mate Crisis — Something Serious
We heard you love sustainability! Recommended for people who crave crucial stability as the planet goes through never-ending Hot Girl Summer, this route lets the waning population know you're looking for reliable company — a singular partner to take you out frequently before a tsunami does.
For both paths, you'll need to write a bio, fueled by your desires. Then, you'll answer a few questions to share inconvenient truths, compare carbon footprints, and ice out polar opposites. (You can also choose to forgo the survey altogether, and select the 🔥 option, which signals your burning motivation to meet literally anyone, and now.)
If you're thinking: Physical and emotional connections?! In this climate?!
Listen to what users have to say about the app:
'Like our oceans, many dating sites are full of garbage. This one really helped me set my sights on love in a truly morbid and nihilistic way.'
'I used to just recycle old flames, but Cli-Mate helped me warm up to new possibilities, people, and positions I once thought were extinct!'
'These days, it seems like everyone's just DTF (down to frack), but Cli-Mate proved otherwise. I met my soulmate, and I would follow them to the ends of the earth, and not just because I'll literally have to.'
'Thanks to this app, there's a new greenhouse effect! I got laid in a greenhouse.'
'In these trying times, I wasn't trying at all. This app reminded me that doing nothing didn't have to be the final (reusable) straw.'
'Dating has always been a means to an end; now it's a means to the literal end. Join the remaining few in demanding 'mate action now!'
'If the planet is getting screwed, I should be, too. Thanks, Cli-Mate.'
Worth noting: If you get a notification that says, 'There is no one new around you,' the apocalypse has begun.
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