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How to Plan and Cook Thanksgiving

How to Plan and Cook Thanksgiving

New York Times31-03-2025

Everything you need to know to plan your holiday menu, prepare the food and serve it all with style. Kim Severson's dry-brined turkey. Ryan Liebe for The New York Times Published March 31, 2025 Updated March 31, 2025
[This article was originally published on Nov. 10, 2015.]
From turkey to the trimmings, Sam Sifton, Melissa Clark, Julia Moskin, Eric Asimov and the editors of New York Times Cooking tell you everything you need to know to plan your Thanksgiving menu, prepare the food and serve it all with style and grace.
First things first: Who will be at your table, and what are you going to eat? Here are some suggestions on how to build a successful Thanksgiving plan, whether this is your first holiday as the cook or your 10th. David Malosh for The New York Times. Food Stylist: Simon Andrews.
Planning a really good menu is the stealth approach to being a really good cook. What leaves an impression is not only the dishes you can make, but also how they taste, look and feel when assembled into a meal.
Avoid repeating ingredients. If you are serving pecan pie for dessert, don't put out spiced pecans as an hors d'oeuvre. Both may be fabulously delicious, but the pie just won't be as appealing by the time dessert rolls around.
Consider variety, especially as those at the table may have different tastes, allergies and aversions. If there are vegetarians and vegans present, you can and must plan for them, too.
If you're unsure how to start, think about colors. Thanksgiving is heavy on dishes that are white (mashed potatoes, creamed onions) and brown (turkey, stuffing, gravy) dishes. It needs the ruby red of cranberry sauce, the warm orange of pumpkin pie and sweet potatoes, to make it interesting. Add something green and snappy.
Next, think about texture. If you already have a creamy vegetable side dish, add one that's roasted or caramelized.
Finally, throw in a surprising flavor. Be truly daring and add a seriously spicy dish like our fiery sweet potatoes. Pickles and relishes like piccalilli or chutney add a puckery note.
If you're hosting a small group this year, you get to make a much more interesting meal. Since you don't have to cook in bulk, try out recipes that are a little more creative than classic. Have a guest bring the mashed potatoes, so you can make a sweet potato gratin instead. Buy some puff pastry and play around with it to make cheese straws, baked brie puffs or a simple, showstopping tart.
Roast a turkey breast and use the extra oven space to bake a dressing that's new to you. (If you already have a signature dressing, make both — having two is a Thanksgiving dream.) Take the opportunity to fuss over the table and the guests a little more than usual. Get out the linen napkins, polish the candlesticks, dust off the ramekins and serve individual stuffing cups or chocolate lava cakes to each guest. David Malosh for The New York Times. Food Stylist: Simon Andrews.
If you're a novice, stick to the essentials: turkey, dressing, a cranberry sauce, potatoes, gravy and a vegetable of some kind. To tamp down any anxiety about multitasking, think of yourself as making a simple roast chicken dinner with a couple of extra sides. There is no need to bake a pie. Ask someone to bring one, or buy a good one the day before the feast. (If you feel the need to make one, though, ask a guest to bring a side dish of some sort, working with them fairly closely to make sure that it fits into your overall menu.)
The inexperienced cook should consider the casserole. Thanksgiving dinner can feel like a high-stakes race. In this sprint, the casserole is your greatest friend. It does not have to include cream soup or canned vegetables. It does not have to be layered or topped with a crust. It can be messy in the pan and still look and taste great on the plate. Just think of a casserole as a roasting pan where almost anything can be assembled and even cooked well in advance, then left in the refrigerator until you remember its existence about an hour before Thanksgiving dinner.
Starchy vegetable purées (celery root, carrot, potatoes, squash) work especially well, but almost any baked or braised side dish can fit this model: mashed potatoes with plenty of butter and sour cream; red cabbage with apples, which can be braised in the oven instead of on the stove, then refrigerated; cubed squash with fresh rosemary and garlic (pictured above), which keep their pungency.
Just leave plenty of time to reheat the casseroles at 400 degrees before the meal. Many casseroles (except very dense ones like mashed potatoes) can go into the oven when the turkey comes out. Remove them from the fridge first thing Thanksgiving morning so they are not completely chilled.
Seasoned cooks should pick a dish or two each year that will stretch their skills. The payoffs in terms of flavor and self-satisfaction are worth their weight in gold.
The highest-impact change you can make to Thanksgiving dinner may be mastering a new recipe for turkey. But because smoking, spatchcocking and deep-frying all require at least one test run, and many cooks are already busy from now until Thanksgiving, here are some alternatives: a more sophisticated vegetable side, a fancier pie crust or a snappy modern touch like an herb salad.
It's fun to mess around with mashed potatoes, if your family will allow it. You can pipe them into puffs that can be baked at the last minute. Top them with whipped cream and broil to make pommes Chantilly, or make patties and pan-fry to make garlic-potato cakes, crisp rounds that taste like supersized Tater Tots. Christopher Simpson for The New York Times. Food Stylist: Simon Andrews.
It is possible for one cook to satisfy both Thanksgiving traditionalists and progressives, but it requires some ingenuity. Adding new ingredients to the old favorites is not the way; instead, add one or more new dishes to perennials on the table, and make sure they have modern, fresh flavors. Here's how to proceed.
Some things should not be messed with. Glazing a turkey with pomegranate or rubbing it with chipotle won't change anyone's mind; people either like turkey or they don't. Adding celery root, Cheddar and the like to the classic mashed potatoes is risky. These days, plain, buttery, homemade mashed potatoes are a treat that everyone seems to look forward to at the holiday.
Make sure there's a creamed vegetable on the table. It doesn't have to be onions. Also have a jellied cranberry sauce (canned is fine), so the reactionaries will be happy.
For the neophiles, add a sprightly green vegetable, whether raw, roasted or blanched. A little salad of fresh herbs, pictured above, is very refreshing, but broccoli, string beans or spinach can also nestle in nicely on the table.
Prowl for recipes that use ingredients from different culinary traditions: Asian condiments, Moroccan spices, Middle Eastern syrups. These can add a welcome note of surprise to an all-too-familiar menu.
To jump-start your planning, make a good shopping list, the most critical tool for the forward-looking cook.
Some items on the Thanksgiving shopping list are obvious: turkey, cranberries, sweet potatoes. (About that turkey: Buy one pound per person, or a pound and a half per person if you'd like to have leftovers.)
But there are several other ingredients that will prove invaluable to have on hand. Buy them early if you can. Running out to the supermarket the night before Thanksgiving is the last thing any cook, novice or experienced, will want to do.
Butter, lots of it. Choose European-style high-fat butter for pie crusts, and regular unsalted butter for everything else.
Stock. If you haven't made your own, look for homemade stock at the same butcher shop where you buy your turkey, or in the freezer section of your supermarket. The canned and boxed stuff should be a last resort. Buy at least three or four quarts. You'll need it not only for gravy and deglazing your roasting pan; it's also good to have on hand for braising vegetables. Make sure to get some good vegetarian stock for anyone who isn't eating meat. Leftover stock freezes perfectly.
Fresh herbs. Not only do they add freshness and flavor across your Thanksgiving table, but they're also pretty, lending a touch of green to a meal heavy on earth tones. Choose soft herbs (parsley, dill, basil, mint) for garnish, and sturdy, branchy herbs (thyme, rosemary, bay leaves) to throw into your roasting pans, stocks and gravies.
Garlic, onions, leeks, fresh ginger, shallots. An assortment of aromatics keeps your cooking lively and interesting. You'll need them for the stuffing, for stock and gravy, and for many side dishes. Grated fresh ginger and sautéed shallots are a nice and unexpected addition to cranberry sauce; simply stir them in with the berries while simmering. And you can perk up plain mashed potatoes by folding in sautéed garlic and leeks with the butter.
Fresh citrus. Lemon, lime and orange juice and zest contribute brightness to countless Thanksgiving dishes, from the turkey to the gravy to the cranberry sauce to the whipped cream for pie.
Nuts. These go a long way to give crunch to otherwise texturally boring dishes. (Ahem, sweet potato casserole.) Keep a variety on hand to throw into salads and side dishes, or simply to offer before the meal begins. They can also help bulk out your meatless offerings.
White wine/vermouth/beer. Even if you're not drinking any of these spirits before or during the meal, they can be splashed into gravy or vegetable dishes, or used to deglaze the turkey roasting pan. (Bourbon and brandy work well as deglazers, too.)
Fresh spices. If you can't remember when you bought your spices, now is a good time to replace them.
Light brown sugar, molasses, maple syrup. These sweeteners are more profoundly flavored than white sugar, and they have an autumnal richness. Try using them to sweeten whipped cream, your coffee-based beverages and pies.
Heavy cream, sour cream, crème fraîche, ice cream. You'll need these for topping pies and cakes.
A pint of good sorbet. Just in case you end up with a gluten-intolerant or vegan guest you didn't expect. Coconut sorbet is particularly creamy and lush, but any flavor works well.
When you're cooking Thanksgiving dinner, it is wise to prepare as much in advance as you can. Many of the dishes on the menu lend themselves to advance work — casseroles, cranberry sauce, gravy — and desserts can be ideal candidates too. Christopher Simpson for The New York Times. Food Stylist: Simon Andrews. Prop Stylist: Paige Hicks.
Granted, most cooks agree that for best results, the turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing must be started from scratch on the day itself. Even for these outliers, though, some tasks can be done beforehand to ease the last-minute work. (And aside from stock, avoid freezing Thanksgiving side dishes; it damages their texture.)
Your first cooking task is making stock. Turkey stock is great, but chicken will do. You're going to need a lot of it: for gravy, for warming the sliced turkey, for refreshing dressings, for deglazing pans. Stock freezes exceptionally well.
Free the turkey from its packaging and plastic a day or two in advance, and use a simple dry brine so it can go straight into the roasting pan on Thanksgiving morning.
Mashed potatoes, like any cooked potatoes, don't usually refrigerate well. But they will if you mix them with chives, butter, and sour cream and bake them like a casserole (as in the video above). You will hear no complaints, though the texture will be smooth and dense, not fluffy.
Most stuffings and dressings can be assembled in advance. If your stuffing is moist enough, it can even be cooked in advance and reheated like any other casserole without compromising flavor. Cover tightly when reheating, and add tablespoons of stock as needed to keep the dish soft and fragrant. (Drier stuffings and dressings should not be cooked in advance; they will dry out even more during reheating.)
You can make traditional cranberry sauce up to a week ahead. Cover it well and store it in the fridge. Don't be tempted to freeze cranberry sauce; the structure will break down, and you could lose the gelling. Raw cranberry sauce or relish can be made a day or two ahead. (Here's everything you need to know to make cranberry sauce.) Julia Moskin makes a rich gravy that can be prepared well before Thanksgiving Day. By Julia Moskin
Make vinaigrette and wash salad greens, if you're serving salad, up to three days ahead. Wash the greens and dry them well, then wrap them loosely in paper towels, place in a plastic bag and put them in the crisper. If you're serving butternut squash, peel, seed and cube it. You can also peel and cut up carrots, rutabaga and beets, and separate cauliflower florets. Johnny Miller for The New York Times
The key to making desserts in advance is to seek out recipes that benefit from being made ahead, dishes that taste as good or better a few days later as they do on the day they were made.
Chocolate cakes and tortes hold up well. So do cheesecakes, flans, puddings, ice cream, parfaits, mousses and sticky gingerbread cakes. A general rule of thumb is that if your dessert needs thorough chilling before you serve it, it can probably sit for a day or two in the freezer or refrigerator.
Generally speaking, denser, heavier cakes hold up better than lighter, fluffier ones. (The latter are prone to dry out.) Frosting, fondant or any kind of syrupy glaze acts as a preservative, keeping the cake fresher longer.
The one traditional Thanksgiving dessert that will suffer if made more than 24 hours ahead is pie. But you can make the dough up to a month ahead and store it in the freezer, or store it in the refrigerator for up to three days. You can find more information on baking pies in advance in our Pie F.A.Q. section, or take a look at our guide to making pie crust.
For a group with many dietary restrictions, don't assume that means having to cook separate meals. Nor must you match the usual feast, dish for dish, with special substitutions. What you want to do is bring unity to the table and offer as many dishes as possible that everyone can eat and — this is crucial — enjoy. Christopher Testani for The New York Times
For vegetarians or vegans at the feast, optics can send a powerful message. If you're not going to have a turkey on the table, or if the turkey on the table is just for those guests who have not yet seen the light of a plant-based Thanksgiving feast, take care to serve a main dish that has some of the visual and sensory firepower of a giant roast. Something demonstrably large and in charge, like a mushroom Wellington, or a whole roasted cauliflower or two, or a platter of stuffed squash.
Dressing is an easy way to provide visual appeal and flavor to the Thanksgiving menu. You can make a version with meat, and one with no meat. We also have an excellent gluten-free dressing made with wild rice, cranberries and sausage, and another that's entirely vegan.
Melissa Clark's recipe for stuffing with mushrooms and bacon can be adapted to use gluten-free cornbread. (If you leave out the bacon and use vegetable stock, that stuffing recipe can also be vegetarian.)
Whatever you do, try to avoid any truly arcane ingredients, or foods you're uncomfortable cooking with. Some cooks just don't want to use tempeh, textured vegetable protein or xanthan gum, and that's O.K. Pretty much everyone can eat roasted autumn vegetables with garlic and herbs, and will be pleased to do so. And chances are that that vegan gravy recipe with nutritional yeast, mushroom powder and Marmite added isn't half as good as a simple version you can easily make yourself.
The turkey is the unquestioned star of the Thanksgiving meal, and it can be the most daunting part as well. Do not fear: we have all you need to know about cooking one here. (And for even more information, check out our turkey guide.) There are many ways to prepare a turkey, says Melissa Clark, but none of them will make a better bird than if you rub it down with salt and put it in the oven. By Jenny Woodward
What's a simple method for roasting a turkey? You don't need to brine, stuff, truss or baste a turkey to get delicious results. Try this recipe for starters.
How much turkey should I buy? Buy one pound per person, or a pound and a half per person if you'd like to make sure you have leftovers. If you're ordering your turkey from a butcher or farmer, you'll need to do so a few weeks in advance.
How long does it take to thaw a frozen turkey? Allow one day for every four pounds of turkey (i.e. a 12-pound turkey will need three days to defrost). Thaw your turkey in the fridge and make sure to put it in a bowl or on a platter because it may drip. It will defrost faster if you remove the neck and giblets from the cavity as soon as possible. (You may need to defrost it for at least a day first before you can do so.)
Can you safely defrost a turkey at room temperature? A large turkey should not be defrosted at room temperature. Thorough cooking would kill microbes, but not necessarily all the toxins they may have produced. And the skin may start to go rancid.
How long does raw turkey keep? According to the Agriculture Department, fresh turkey can be kept in the refrigerator for up to two days. A frozen turkey will last for up to a year if kept frozen continuously.
Should I brine my turkey? Whether you brine your turkey is a matter of personal preference. Brining advocates say that brining guards against dryness and overcooking. Detractors argue that it is a messy and inconvenient way to ensure moist and evenly seasoned meat (you need to store the turkey in the liquid overnight and keep it cool); a dry rub, sometimes called a dry brine, is less messy and also produces moist meat. (Here's a great recipe for dry-brined turkey.)
Where can I safely store a turkey while it brines? Your best bet is to take everything out of the refrigerator and store the turkey in there. That way you can be sure the temperature will be low enough. You could also store the turkey in a cooler, but you have to worry about keeping the temperature below 40 degrees. If you do use a cooler, make sure it is well packed with ice or ice packs.
Should I truss my turkey? If you do not stuff your turkey, you do not need to truss it. Allowing untrussed wings and legs to have hot air circulating around them helps them cook faster, so the white and dark meat will all be done at the same time. If you do stuff your bird, trussing helps keep the stuffing in its proper place and it makes for a neater presentation.
Is it dangerous to cook the stuffing inside the turkey? The Agriculture Department and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommend cooking stuffing separately from the turkey. The concern is that cold or frozen stuffing, sometimes sold already stuffed into packaged birds, won't reach a high enough temperature to be eaten safely. To be safe, take its temperature; like the turkey, it must reach 165 degrees.
Do I need a roasting rack to roast a turkey? A rack allows the heat of the oven to circulate around the turkey; also, if the turkey is resting on the bottom of the roasting pan, the skin there will be flabby and moist. You don't need a specially designed rack for your roasting pan, but you need something to lift the bird above the bottom of the pan. Balls of aluminum foil work perfectly well; you can also use upside-down ramekins.
Do I need to rinse off the turkey before I start cooking it? You don't need to rinse your turkey. Any bacteria that's on it will be cooked off in the oven.
Should I baste the turkey? Not for the first hour. You want the heat of the oven to do its work tightening the skin of the turkey and helping to seal in the juices that will run at the breast. Afterward you can baste on the half hour, using the fat and liquid in the bottom of the roasting pan to burnish the skin and, some say, to help keep the entire bird juicy within.
How will I know when the turkey is done? Take its temperature. A digital thermometer inserted into the thickest part of the thigh should read 165 degrees. David Malosh for The New York Times. Food Stylist: Simon Andrews.
How do I cook a turkey in a convection oven? Convection ovens are equipped with a fan that circulates the heated air within the cooking chamber, and using one generally means roasting your turkey at a lower temperature, for less time, than in a conventional oven. It is not an exact science, but the general rule of thumb is to decrease the oven temperature called for by the recipe by 25 degrees, and to lower the cooking time by roughly 10 or 20 percent. Use a rack and a shallow roasting pan, so that the skin of the bird has maximum exposure to the heated air. And don't worry about turning and basting the bird. With a convection oven, the result is generally a moist bird with a crisp and crackling skin.
The other Thanksgiving dish that seems to cause home cooks anxiety is pie, though there is no reason to fear it. Here are some frequently asked questions about the final flourish to the feast. (And don't fear the pie crust: Here's a guide to help you through.) Christopher Testani for The New York Times. Food Stylist: Simon Andrews.
Can I make pies in advance? You can make the dough up to three days ahead and refrigerate, or up to one month ahead and freeze. (If frozen, thaw it in the refrigerator overnight.)
You can make pumpkin pie and pecan pie fillings up to five days ahead, but don't mix in the pecans until just before baking. Store in the fridge.
You can roll out the crust and line your pie plate a day before baking it. Cover lightly with plastic wrap and refrigerate. You can also blind bake your crust a day ahead. Just leave it on the counter and cover it with a clean dish towel once it has cooled. (One idea: Bake the crusts and make the fillings the day before, then assemble and bake the pies before the turkey goes into the oven on Thanksgiving morning.)
You can freeze a whole, unbaked fruit or pumpkin pie for up to a month. Or you can fully bake pies the day before Thanksgiving, though they will be considerably less ethereal when you serve them. Store them at room temperature, not in the fridge.
Do frozen pies need to defrost before they are baked? Bake them while they are still frozen, adding about 15 minutes onto the baking time. Do not thaw it first or you could lose flakiness in the crust.
Why does my pie crust crumble when I roll it out? You're probably not adding enough water. The dough needs to be moist enough to roll out without cracking. Try adding a little more water the next time you make the dough. Start with a few drops at a time, and when the dough no longer feels crumbly, stop there.
If I don't have pie weights, what else can I use to blind bake the crust? For those who haven't heard the term before, blind baking is when you pre-bake a pie crust before the filling is added; you simply line the raw crust with foil or parchment, then fill it with weights and bake. If you don't have pie weights, use dried beans. If you don't have those, the most effective weight to use is another pie dish. And if you don't have another pie dish, cover the crust and rim with aluminum foil and fill with popcorn kernels, or uncooked rice or tiny pasta (messier than dried beans, but equally effective).
How can I keep my pie crust from shrinking when it's baked? Try freezing the crust for 20 minutes before baking. This helps a lot, and it also helps the crimped crust hold its shape.
How do I use lard in my pie crust? Lard makes a slightly flakier pie crust that's a little easier to handle than an all-butter dough. You can substitute lard for other fats in your favorite pie crust recipe, or use our version, which combines butter for a rich flavor and lard for its incomparable texture.
Lard varies in flavor depending upon how it's rendered. Sometimes it's completely flavorless, and sometimes it has a slight porky funk to it, which can be part of its appeal. Its mild savoriness goes well with pecan and pumpkin pies, and the gorgeous, airy texture makes apple pies seem lighter.
Make sure to seek out rendered leaf lard from a good butcher or specialty market, or try your farmers' market. Avoid processed lard from the supermarket; it has been hydrogenated to increase shelf life and can have an off or mildly rancid flavor, not to mention the dangers of hydrogenated fat to your arterial health.
Your meal is almost ready — all you have to do now is get everything to the table while it's still hot. Here's how to do it, and how to set that table too. The Times's Florence Fabricant gives etiquette advice for entertaining on Thanksgiving. By Taige Jensen
Forks on the left, knives on the right, and everything else you need to set a beautiful table and make your Thanksgiving guests comfortable. The Times's Florence Fabricant talks you through it all in the video above.
Thanksgiving requires you to serve many dishes at the same time, and a pressing concern is how to keep them all hot.
Food need not be piping hot, particularly when the table is large, but it should never be cold. Here are some tricks for keeping everything warm.
Heat plates and platters before putting food on them. Stack them in a low-temperature oven for a few minutes, or on a shelf above the stove if you have one. Some dishwashers have a plate-warming function. In a pinch, run hot water from the sink over them to heat, then towel them dry.
Keep a quantity of hot turkey stock going on the stove. Use a ladleful of it to refresh and reheat sliced turkey on a warmed platter before sending it out to the table. You can do the same with dressing.
Put that slow cooker to work. There is no better ersatz chafing dish for mashed vegetables or dressing. Set it on 'warm' and forget it. By The New York Times Cooking
Eric Asimov, our wine critic, offers guidance on what to open for your feast. Tony Cenicola/The New York Times
Thanksgiving hosts must obey two important rules in providing wine.
First, do not run out! It's a feast of plenty, and the wine should reflect the same spirit of generosity and gratitude. A good rule of thumb is one bottle per drinking guest. It may sound like a lot, and you may well have leftovers. But too much wine is just fine. Not enough is not an option.
The second rule is one of courtesy: Provide both reds and whites. Otherwise, wine is the easiest chore you will have. All will go well, because it almost always does. But certain characteristics in the wines you select can help to enhance the meal. Here are some tips for choosing wines and serving them. And you need not serve wine, of course — cider and beer are good alternatives.
With a meal this large and varied, painstakingly matching specific wines to particular foods is virtually impossible. So don't sweat it. Instead, look for limber, versatile wines that will go with many different flavors. By that, I mean you want fresh and lively rather than heavy, tannic and oaky. Wines with generous acidity will be more refreshing than low-acid wines, which tend toward flat and enervating.
Over the years The Times has recommended a wide variety of whites and reds: bottles from the Loire Valley, cru Beaujolais, California red field-blends, Oregon pinot noir and pinot gris, dry, earthy Lambruscos, Muscadet and Chablis, reds and whites from Mt. Etna in Sicily, Spanish reds from Ribeira Sacra, Finger Lakes rieslings and syrahs from the northern Rhône and California. But these aren't the only wines that will work. Don't hesitate to seek guidance at your local wine shop. That, by the way, is an excellent piece of general advice: cultivate the merchants at the best wine shop nearby.
Avoid high-alcohol wines at a long and tiring feast. It's best not to serve wines that are above 14.5 percent for Thanksgiving. Such powerful wines are no problem if you are just having a glass or two, but I like to drink more than that, so I want wines that won't be fatiguing. For me, wines ranging from 12 to 13.5 percent are ideal. Moderately sweet wines like German kabinett and spätlese rieslings can be wonderful Thanksgiving accompaniments, and they may be as low as 8 percent alcohol.
Add wine glasses to the list of things not to worry about. If you have enough stemware, go ahead and use it. But if you don't, juice glasses, tumblers or whatever will do just fine. Glass beats plastic every time. Better for the wine, better for the environment. But if you must use disposable vessels, do not use cheap plastic stems. They will fall apart, the wine will spill, things will be stained, and you will be unhappy. If compelled to go disposable, steer clear of the stems.
Serving temperature is worth controlling if possible. Whites should be cold, but not icy. Reds should be cool rather than room temperature. If refrigerator space is precious, you can store the wines outdoors, assuming its cool enough. No outdoor space? Perhaps an ice chest?
Are there good alternatives to wine? Of course. Cider, in both its hard and non-alcoholic guises, is a natural, seasonal and historic. The United States is making some great dry ciders these days. Beer, too, is fine, though, as with red and white wines I would provide some choices, say a crisp pilsner and a dark porter, or a pale ale and a stout. As with wine, so, too, with cider and beer. Don't run out.

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  • Chicago Tribune

Asking Eric: Advice for visiting grandma with dementia

Dear Eric: We live in the same town as my son's family. He and his wife have two little boys. Our daughter-in-law's parents have many nice homes, including a local condo. Her mother takes charge and makes plans for every holiday unless she's traveling. And we are never invited, despite our invites to them whenever we've squeezed in some plans. My son knows how we feel, agrees, but begs us not to say anything because they are so touchy. We don't want to cause trouble for him, but it is getting pretty hard to remain silent. Thoughts? – Uninvited Dear Uninvited: I really wish your son would say something to his in-laws about this. I understand that no one is under any obligation to invite anyone else into their home and that this 'touchy' relationship with his wife's family likely has other pain points. But you need an advocate here and it's (relatively) easier for him to stand up for you than for you to insert yourself. Short of that, however, you might want to have a conversation with your son and daughter-in-law about sharing holidays. The intention isn't to incite a turf war with your daughter-in-law's parents. Rather, by saying, 'I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year and I'd like for you to come' (or Fourth of July or Arbor Day, whatever the case may be), you start to rebalance the scales. The in-law's wants and plans don't have to be the default. By asking for what you want (or a version of what you want), you'll also be giving your son and daughter-in-law the chance to exercise their own autonomy. Maybe they don't want to automatically go to her parents' every year. Splitting family holidays can get complicated, but it's important to remember the ultimate goal is quality time together, in whichever configuration works best. Dear Eric: I'm a sophomore in high school and I read your column in the Seattle Times. My grandma has dementia. Over the past year, we've noticed more and more signs and convinced her to move into a nursing home a few months ago because we can't provide the constant care she needs. She's at a more advanced stage now and can't walk or feed herself, and she forgets who we are sometimes, which is hard for all of us. I love her so, so much and she was such a big part of my life, but now I can barely get through visits without breaking down. I hate seeing her like this and I'm finding myself avoiding visits because I can't face seeing her in a wheelchair and being so confused. She doesn't have a lot of time left and I don't want to regret not seeing her more, but I don't know how to get through the visits. I feel so guilty, but I don't feel brave enough to go. Is there anything I can do? – Loving Granddaughter Dear Granddaughter: The grief we feel when a loved one develops dementia can be incredibly complex. I'm so sorry for what your grandmother is going through and what you're experiencing. Right now, you're likely grieving the aspect of the relationship you've lost, as well as what's going on in the present. You may also be feeling some grief about what's to come. That's a lot – past, present and future all coming together in every visit to the nursing home. So, please try to grant yourself some grace. This is hard and sometimes bravery looks different. Regret about not spending more time with a loved one, or not spending the right kind of time, is complicated, too. It's something we can rarely control, but which we can guide in a different direction. Before you visit your grandmother, remind yourself that if your grandmother doesn't remember you, that's not the full truth of your relationship. Pull up photos or videos that bring to mind times that felt happier for you. This phase is a part of her journey – and your shared journey together – but it's not the whole story. When a loved one is nearing the end of their life, we can sometimes develop an 'all or nothing' feeling. As if the way we respond is the only thing that's going to matter or the only thing we'll remember. That's not true, but it takes work to reinforce that internally. This is a time for you to communicate where you are and what you're feeling with your parents and other loved ones. You can also reach out to a counselor at your school, if one is available, or look up dementia or grief support groups online. You'll find that you're not alone and you don't have to navigate this on your own. Take the time you need, be gentle with yourself, and hold on to the full arc of your grandmother's story.

As Father's Day approaches, she finds a sign that her dad is always present
As Father's Day approaches, she finds a sign that her dad is always present

Yahoo

time2 days ago

  • Yahoo

As Father's Day approaches, she finds a sign that her dad is always present

My dad did it again. He sent a sign, this time on his birthday. It was a day I made extra busy, which in retrospect could have been subconscious planning. Skeptics would say it was a coincidence, or that I looked for the sign. But I did not. The hello from above was sudden and more than subtle. I had actually traveled home by plane that day, after my husband and I visited our son. The morning was whirlwind enough, getting yelled at by TSA agents, flipping luggage here and there, tying shoes in a rush, flying through the clouds, finding our car at the economy parking lot, then oddly missing the correct highway connection at the airport exit. There was no way I was trying to be spiritual or all woo-woo on a travel day. Once we arrived home, I greeted my brother. He was in town to keep our mom company while I was away. The three of us were sitting and chatting about my trip, when something outside the window caught my eye. A deer. In the early afternoon. In my suburban backyard. That yard is in the middle of a cul de sac completely surrounded by other houses with kids running around and jumping on trampolines. Everywhere you look, there are huffing joggers and whiz-by cars and zippy bikes and raging lawn mowers. Unusual deer appearances happened to me twice before, both times related to my dad. Once in New York on a rainy night when I realized his life was in danger, and then again, a year to the exact day of that first appearance, but in my Kansas yard. We managed to grab a picture of the deer before it bolted. It spotted us gasping and pointing by the window. I reminded my brother it was dad's birthday. We gasped again. (Last Thanksgiving, when my other brother was here, a barred owl planted itself on a tree near my front door. Again, I don't live in the Hundred Acre Wood. Another sign? Maybe.) I used to complain about this time of year. Every mid-May through mid-June, Mother's Day, Father's Day and both my parents' birthdays were clustered together. It was always Hallmark whiplash. In my case, before the deer appeared, I was thinking this upcoming Father's Day might be a little rough. And like Mother's Day, Father's Day can stir up some bittersweet feelings for many folks. I think it filters down to where you are in life, and your parent-child history. Maybe all your loved ones are here, and everything is close to perfect. If so, fire up that grill and pour some ketchup on your good fortune. Or maybe, for a million reasons, your recent expectations of how family life should be are not aligned with reality. And I use the word aligned intentionally because no matter what, most dads are automotive-ly hyper aware of the importance of straight wheels and regular tire rotations. Everything in life can be whack, a dad can miss the mark in so many ways, but if the treads on the tires are wearing evenly maybe he's trying. Old dad might say the wrong things or wear embarrassing jeans, but he could be trying in ways we never realize. I don't know. My dad always did his best even though he was born in a time and place of historic setbacks and tragedies. He had no head starts and no parenthood manual. He was an immigrant who enriched America with his wit, his charm, his work, his creativity, his service in the U.S. Army and most of all, the genuine love he passed down to his beloved grandchildren. He did his best to show up for all of them. And now, they are all making this world a better place. My dad's happy moments were always around nature, especially in his backyard garden. I don't think that deer showing up in mine — on his birthday — was a mere coincidence. Father's Day is going to be OK. Reach Denise Snodell at stripmalltree@

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