Invitations to funerals and shouting at the news: 10 signs you're getting old

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2 days ago

The signs are gradual but deadly.
You start saying things like, 'This carpet will see me out,' and, 'This is how I've always done things.' Young people kneel beside you to explain how technology works. You bulk-order vitamins from Amazon, which then sit in the hallway gathering dust.
Let's face it: life is getting smaller and narrower. You only eat soft foods now, for fear of fracturing a tooth. You haven't made a new friend in a decade. An early night and a mug of sleepy tea is all you require.
Yes, you are officially drifting into dreaded OAP territory. But don't worry – we've consulted the experts to identify the tell-tale signs of ageing in both men and women, and whether there's anything you can do about them.
Clearly, this young person thinks you're an old bag at risk of toppling over – or, if you're a man, an infirm old fool. Is this the moment you need to consider cosmetic work – or a hair transplant to hide the bald patch? The horror.
But what do you do when this dreaded scenario occurs? Do you accept gracefully – and feel crushed – or brush off the invitation? I consult the UK's 'Queen of Etiquette', Laura Windsor, who is reassuring.
'It's not necessarily because you 'look' old – it could be because you deserve respect and courtesy from those who pick up on your body language and are drawn to you in a positive way,' she says.
'If someone stands up for you, it's possible your body language was crying out for a seat. I'm younger, but sometimes a man will offer me a seat – and I'm so grateful – especially when I'm wearing high heels or carrying bags.'
We just need to smile, say 'Thank you very much, you are very kind' – and accept gracefully, she advises. 'Never brush off the invitation unless you don't want to sit. In that case, always say, 'Thank you for your kind gesture.' Being courteous makes the other person feel valued – and makes us feel good too.'
There comes a time in life when wedding invitations dry up, the babies whose christenings you once attended have now left home – and the number of funeral announcements is getting suspiciously larger.
So it's no wonder most of us keep a top-to-bottom smart black outfit in the wardrobe. And anyway, after a lifetime of deciding what to wear, maintaining a black uniform feels like the easy way out – doesn't it?
But while some people can pull off head-to-toe black – à la Mafia widow or Milk Tray man – most of us end up looking a bit dusty, says Lucinda Chambers, ex-Vogue fashion director and co-founder of Collagerie.com.
'When you reach a certain age, you feel more vulnerable, and there's a definite nervousness that creeps in – you're afraid of any display of individuality, extravagance or idiosyncrasy. Black is a very easy rut to fall into, because you think it goes with everything. I never put black with black. I combine it with navy or cream to sharpen it up.'
Author and broadcaster Hunter Davies, 89, is more definitive: 'No one over 70 should wear black or grey. I only now wear clothes in pink, yellow, green, blue – usually at the same time.'
It can feel like a death knell when you mention a new symptom to the GP and they say bluntly: 'Yes, that's just going to be how it is from now on.' But don't believe them – it's never too late to get in shape.
Our bodies are equipped with incredible restorative capacity. 'The most health-preserving physical activity you can do is resistance training, because muscle loss (sarcopenia) is both a characteristic and driver of ageing and age-related disease,' says Dr Nathan Curran of London's Reborne Longevity Clinic.
'And skeletal muscle will not only help to prevent falls – it also protects your bones from osteoporosis, which can lead to fractures following a fall. About one in ten people with a hip fracture die within a month – and about one in three die within a year. Anything that stresses your cardiovascular system, and your musculature, is like an insurance policy – not just against dying prematurely, but also for maintaining quality of life in later years.'
It's also an insurance policy for slowing down neurodegeneration and dementia, he adds.
'There are very interesting links between loss of cerebral volume – especially in the hippocampus, the part of the brain responsible for memory – and sarcopenia [age-related loss of muscle mass, strength and function]. There isn't a drug combination that comes remotely close to matching exercise for providing comprehensive benefits for brain health.'
Turning 60 is a milestone for many reasons – and while it's useful to know you now qualify for free London bus travel, that fact alone is depressing enough. That's before you even come to take the accompanying photo. Do try to look your best – but don't take it too hard if the image ends up looking like a mugshot, advises Lucinda Chambers.
'You're going to look at that bus pass photo for the next 20 years, so you might as well look cheerful. Having said that, mine looks like Prisoner: Cell Block H...'
Generally speaking, our experts say it's important to glam up – and rail against the dying of the light.
PR expert Fiona Harrold says, 'It's about self-worth. Because if you don't care about how you look, how are other people going to respect you? You're projecting an image of yourself to the world every time you step out the front door. Do you see yourself as attractive, groomed? Because your vibe will go down if you walk around constantly looking dishevelled. We automatically equate that with a loss of va-va-voom – or even depression. We've got to let go of what 59 or 60 looks like in our heads, because it's changed. We all know biological ageing and chronological ageing are two different things now.'
Veteran journalist Virginia Ironside agrees: 'I know lots of people who say, 'Oh great. I'm old – I can let myself go.' But that's fatal. You must always be clean, have your hair looking nice, try to keep reasonably thin. Keep your standards up – eat at a table, change your sheets every couple of weeks.'
It's very fogeyish behaviour to complain about loud music, tiny sharing plates – or eating off a roof tile – says Jennifer Sharp, former restaurant editor of Harper's Bazaar. She'll happily trek miles to a modern Korean joint in Hackney to try the latest cuisine.
She loves eating solo and is a fan of the communal tables available for walk-ins. 'I like all the well-priced small plates that let you trawl through the menu without breaking the bank.'
Regularity, she believes, is the enemy of life. 'The easiest way to stay feeling young is to be curious. I never feel I know everything – whether it's food or art or movies or politics. Stay open to new experiences and opinions. Say yes to things.'
It's mortifying enough to eavesdrop on the conversations your younger colleagues are having – but to be mistaken for one of their grandparents when you've popped out for a lunchtime snack together is even worse.
But there's no shame in being called out for your age, says poet and author Sarah-Jane Lovett. Instead of trying to hide our advancing years – or our grandparenting status – we should revel in the fact that being a modern grandmother or grandfather is something to celebrate.
Lovett – a grandmother of two, currently writing a book called The Glamma Diaries – insists: 'We are gods and goddesses of sorts, the elders who bring insight and wisdom to bestow upon the youngers. The trick is to create a force field of magic, underpinned with a firm but kind air of grooviness. Obviously, no one wants to get cancelled for doing the wrong thing – but grandmothers are brilliant at spotting diplomatic minefields and circumnavigating them with aplomb.'
And what happens when your woke grandchildren come to stay? She adds: 'As the absolute Queen of the Diplomatic Corps, you will always be prepared with the diplomatic bag – and a heaving fridge full of gluten-free pasta, dairy-free cheese, nut milk, coconut yoghurt and Nosecco. So you really are the ultimate 21st-century gal when the smalls arrive.'
Elderly female relatives once had a weekly shampoo and set – and never went out in the rain. We've come a long way since then, but many of us still hide behind a heavy fringe or wispy locks we trim ourselves. The decision to go grey or not is unimportant (just look at super-agers Helen Mirren and Andie MacDowell). But a sharp cut can take off decades – so keep investing in that hairdresser's appointment.
'I firmly believe women can embrace new styles at any age,' says celebrity hair stylist Dar Barot. 'It's about taking that first step and being open to transformation. When hair obscures your face, it can hide features such as well-shaped eyebrows, beautiful eyes, defined cheekbones, a strong jawline – and especially the neckline and shoulders, which are crucial for creating a youthful appearance. A sculpted haircut that frames your face should emphasise these features, while complementing your body shape.'
And men shouldn't be complacent either – shaggy eyebrows, unkempt nose hair and a bad comb-over are definite turn-offs. 'My own bugbear is the fade haircut – shortening the hair on the sides and back of the head, with longer hair on top – for older men,' says Barot. 'It resembles a hat rather than enhancing their features. It was also Hitler's favourite hairstyle, so be warned.'
You might have raised them – but when your own kids have babies, it can lead to some awkward moments when it becomes clear they're unwilling to trust their precious bundle with you.
'When your beloved offspring and their partner tell you the new thinking on pregnancy, childbirth or child-rearing that they've gleaned in their ante-natal group or from Instagram, listen, keep quiet and do not express an opinion,' advises Lovett. 'If they wax lyrical about placenta encapsulation, don't use the word ridiculous or the phrase 'we didn't do that in my day.' Just swallow and say, 'That sounds great.'
'No one wants to hear about the dark ages – ie before 1990 – and no one ever acknowledges that you've gone through this experience yourself. Understand that while you, until fairly recently, reigned supreme in your family, you are, in one blow, felled. So hold on to the life skills you have acquired and use them with steely dignity – empathy, listening well, cooking for everyone. Modern, shiny parents are there to make us look as if we didn't have the foggiest idea of what we were doing. They are a glossy brigade, with their spreadsheets and everything accessible on an app – and we must also learn from them. They take no prisoners, not even if you gave birth to them.'
Okay, so there's an entire sitcom – One Foot in the Grave – dedicated to the phenomenon of men getting grumpier and grumpier as they age. But while Victor Meldrew might have been a bit of an old curmudgeon, he definitely tried to keep himself busy when he wasn't shouting at the TV.
'When you're passively sitting in front of the television, not much is going on in there,' says Prof Kieran Clarke, 73, emeritus professor of physiological biochemistry at the University of Oxford.
'Concentrating is really good for your brain,' she explains. 'Puzzles keep the connections up and the electrics going. You're concentrating all the time and the synaptic connections between neurones are functioning properly.'
Watching upsetting news is also genuinely bad for our health. 'Only worry about things you can do something about. Don't worry about anything you can't do anything about,' counsels Prof Clarke, who reads a book instead of looking at her phone before bed. She also advocates listening to Radio 4 and the World Service. 'It helps the cells regenerate, it keeps you stimulated. It's like exercising the brain.'
Probably the hardest challenge of old age is finding a new partner if you've been struck by death or divorce. The temptation is to shut up shop to new admirers – but that would be ignoring the fact there's a very buzzy later-life dating scene out there.
'Dating is all about the mindset. If you're open to new experiences and meeting others, and you're easy to approach, you'll naturally attract the right kind of attention,' says Niloufar Lamakan, 66, whose new novel Aged To Perfection tackles 60+ dating using apps, as well as other, more adventurous ways of meeting potential new partners. 'Being open doesn't necessarily mean compromising, but involves giving people and situations a chance.'
Lamakan advocates practising openness physically – opening your arms, breathing in and welcoming the world every morning. 'Having fun and being in the moment is also an attractive trait. Being advised to find a hobby might sound like a cliché, but it's a great way to do something you enjoy and increase your chances of meeting someone. But, if you're happy being single, make the most of the freedom and find your own tribe to enjoy life alongside.'
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