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I used to be an escort, and a former client wants to be friends. What should I do?

I used to be an escort, and a former client wants to be friends. What should I do?

The Guardian5 days ago
Until four years ago, I was a sex worker – specifically, a high-end escort. In my experience, when clients treat you with respect and understand the boundaries, it's possible to form a relationship not unlike that between a therapist and a client.
One client I was particularly fond of was a man a few years older than me. He is on the autism spectrum, which makes him somewhat socially awkward, but he is intelligent, creative and empathetic – and passably handsome. I always felt he would make a wonderful partner for a woman who could see past his quirks.
Last week, I ran into him at the library. The first thing he said was he'd understand if I didn't want to talk – but I was actually glad to see him. We spent about 15 minutes chatting pleasantly, and when we parted he asked if I'd consider meeting up as friends. I took his number and said I'd think about it.
I'm pretty sure he's hoping for more than just friendship, but if my sense of him is accurate, he'd accept a 'no' gracefully and respect my privacy. The problem is I'm unsure what to do. Had we met under different circumstances, I might well have considered dating him, and I would definitely like him as a friend. I'm aware of the stigma directed at men who see escorts, but he doesn't fit any negative stereotype.
Even so, the fact he's tied to a chapter of my life I've moved on from leaves me conflicted. I don't know if reconnecting would add something positive to my life – or blur boundaries I've worked hard to establish and maintain.
I think the fact you're writing to me shows you do want to consider it, but are aware there may be some pitfalls. In some ways you're front-loading the issues you would have – because you already know something of each other's past – more than if you met someone the more conventional way.
I consulted clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr Stephen Blumenthal, who has worked with people who visit sex workers. He wonders if this might be less a case of 'wanting a relationship, but rather exploring your boundaries in relation to your previous work and the life you have now'.
You said in another message that you had hitherto kept your past work private. Perhaps you now feel ready to merge your past and your present/future, and by allowing this man from your past to possibly be a friend, you can see if this will work for you.
Dr Blumenthal explains that he's known 'situations where men have formed relationships with sex workers. Some have succeeded and some have ended in disaster. It's impossible to know how things will turn out, there's no predetermined outcome. And yes, most people assume the relationship between sex worker and client is just about sex, but I've heard many a time it's less about sex and often primarily an emotional relationship that has sex as part of it. It's not always like that, of course, but it can be.'
I think you have to be honest (as with all potential relationships) about what you want from this man, and if that's possible. You've been very good at boundaries before, this will need a different set of boundaries and they may need renegotiating, both at the beginning and at various other times as things change – if either a friendship or a relationship blossoms.
'The important thing,' says Dr Blumenthal, 'is to be fully cognisant of where the original relationship came from. A lot of sex work is about an illusion – that the client is the only one, that maybe they're loved by the sex worker. Here, exposing the relationship to the outside world may be problematic if you deny where it's stemmed from.'
All relationships, whether platonic or romantic, start with a bit of illusion and projection, and what makes them succeed is communication, with the other person but also with oneself. That communication may allow the relationship to grow, or founder. You seem grounded and have established boundaries. If you feel safe with this man then it may not be a bad idea to meet him again in a public place and see if you can develop a new way of being together.
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I was virgin before university but ended up sleeping with five different guys since… I feel disgusted
I was virgin before university but ended up sleeping with five different guys since… I feel disgusted

The Sun

time2 days ago

  • The Sun

I was virgin before university but ended up sleeping with five different guys since… I feel disgusted

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In temples and churches, sensory rooms remove barriers for neurodivergent worshipers
In temples and churches, sensory rooms remove barriers for neurodivergent worshipers

The Independent

time2 days ago

  • The Independent

In temples and churches, sensory rooms remove barriers for neurodivergent worshipers

From organ blasts and incense to forced hugs and hand shakes, for folks who struggle to process sensory input, houses of worship can quickly feel anything but holy. That was the case for Lark Losardo's son Percy, who in 2017 began attending Catholic Mass with his family at age 7. Percy, who is autistic, was often overwhelmed by the Brooklyn church's open space, noise and crowds. At first, when he needed to move around or stim (engage in repetitive actions to self-regulate), he'd leave the service with a parent. Eventually, in part because of the barriers to attending as a family, they stopped coming altogether. Then, in 2020, the Losardos moved to Maplewood, New Jersey. After watching online services at a nearby Catholic parish called St. Joseph's during the pandemic, Lark Losardo learned in 2024 that the parish was opening a sensory room equipped with regulation tools, including a weighted blanket, touch pillow, ear defenders and sound machine. 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Completed in February 2024, the renovation included interactive tactile and texture panels, bubble tubes, mirrors, new carpet, paint and electrical work, and an LED-star ceiling complete with a digital shooting star. According to the Rev. Chris Binion, who co-founded the church with his wife, Tracy, the decision to create the room was prompted by the Holy Spirit. 'I was in a season of prayer and fasting, and I felt like the Lord asked me how to take care of his 'littles,'' Binion told RNS. He felt God was urging him to support kids with 'diverse needs,'including autism. 'We decided through the direction of the Holy Spirit to say yes, and move forward in this kingdom assignment." It's not just churches that are revamping spaces to focus on sensory integration. Temple Emanu-El, a Reform synagogue in Atlanta, has adapted two of its rooms to help folks process sensory input. A former cry room just off the main sanctuary was altered to become the Shalom Sanctuary, a small space with a large window facing the main worship space equipped with fidget toys, beanbags and headphones. The synagogue also received a $10,000 grant from the Jewish Federation of Greater Atlanta to improve the accessibility of a classroom. That renovation is almost complete, and the room, which features a wall of sensory engagement toys, flexible furniture and alternative seating (think large rubber balls), will be especially helpful for children who need sensory breaks during religious classes or events such as the annual Purim carnival, according to Rabbi Rachael Klein Miller, associate rabbi at the synagogue. 'Something important in Judaism is the idea that we are all created 'b'tzelem Elohim,' in the image of God,' said Klein Miller. 'And much of that is connected to the golden rule of treating people the way we want to be treated and finding space for everybody in the community.' According to Rebecca Barlow, a regional disability specialist in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, adding a sensory room to a house of worship doesn't automatically make it accessible to those with sensory needs. 'It's just one piece of a bigger machine that you're trying to build,' said Barlow, disability specialist for the Desert Ridge Stake in Mesa, Arizona. The first step to building that machine, Barlow said, is asking disabled individuals and their families what it would take to make church feasible for them. When she first became a disability specialist roughly five years ago, feedback was invaluable. 'The biggest thing was listening. The parents of these children know what they need,' said Barlow, who is the parent of a child with autism. Based on the families' input, she created a sensory room in her meeting house with new donated items. Knowing it would be used by kids who could become aggressive, she removed hard chairs and chalkboard lips that could pose safety risks. She also filled the room with the usual sensory items, added light-blocking curtains and included a night-light that projected a calming light pattern. Still, it took more than that to get families back in the door. "We, as parents of disabled children, often can become jaded, and we lack trust that our children are going to be cared for in a manner appropriate to how special they are,' said Barlow. To build trust with families, church leaders invited some members of the ward to serve as one-on-one aides for each child with a disability. The aides were trained in the homes of their assigned families and eventually accompanied the kids in the sensory room during church meetings. Barlow also introduced the kids to the sensory room ahead of time via pictures and tours, and ward members, too, received basic training on understanding disabilities and how to use the sensory room. In the few years since that sensory room opened, the model has gained traction. Barlow says the seven wards in her stake now each have their own disability specialists and sensory rooms, and she routinely takes calls from LDS church members across the country and the globe seeking to set up sensory rooms of their own. 'It feels like we're seeing a cultural shift toward understanding and accepting and integrating people with disabilities,' said Barlow. 'If we want to follow Christ, if we want to emulate him, if we want to be his disciples … they need to be foremost in our mind.'

I used to be an escort, and a former client wants to be friends. What should I do?
I used to be an escort, and a former client wants to be friends. What should I do?

The Guardian

time4 days ago

  • The Guardian

I used to be an escort, and a former client wants to be friends. What should I do?

Until four years ago, I was a sex worker – specifically, a high-end escort. In my experience, when clients treat you with respect and understand the boundaries, it's possible to form a relationship not unlike that between a therapist and a client. One client I was particularly fond of was a man a few years older than me. He is on the autism spectrum, which makes him somewhat socially awkward, but he is intelligent, creative and empathetic – and passably handsome. I always felt he would make a wonderful partner for a woman who could see past his quirks. Last week, I ran into him at the library. The first thing he said was he'd understand if I didn't want to talk – but I was actually glad to see him. We spent about 15 minutes chatting pleasantly, and when we parted he asked if I'd consider meeting up as friends. I took his number and said I'd think about it. I'm pretty sure he's hoping for more than just friendship, but if my sense of him is accurate, he'd accept a 'no' gracefully and respect my privacy. The problem is I'm unsure what to do. Had we met under different circumstances, I might well have considered dating him, and I would definitely like him as a friend. I'm aware of the stigma directed at men who see escorts, but he doesn't fit any negative stereotype. Even so, the fact he's tied to a chapter of my life I've moved on from leaves me conflicted. I don't know if reconnecting would add something positive to my life – or blur boundaries I've worked hard to establish and maintain. I think the fact you're writing to me shows you do want to consider it, but are aware there may be some pitfalls. In some ways you're front-loading the issues you would have – because you already know something of each other's past – more than if you met someone the more conventional way. I consulted clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr Stephen Blumenthal, who has worked with people who visit sex workers. He wonders if this might be less a case of 'wanting a relationship, but rather exploring your boundaries in relation to your previous work and the life you have now'. You said in another message that you had hitherto kept your past work private. Perhaps you now feel ready to merge your past and your present/future, and by allowing this man from your past to possibly be a friend, you can see if this will work for you. Dr Blumenthal explains that he's known 'situations where men have formed relationships with sex workers. Some have succeeded and some have ended in disaster. It's impossible to know how things will turn out, there's no predetermined outcome. And yes, most people assume the relationship between sex worker and client is just about sex, but I've heard many a time it's less about sex and often primarily an emotional relationship that has sex as part of it. It's not always like that, of course, but it can be.' I think you have to be honest (as with all potential relationships) about what you want from this man, and if that's possible. You've been very good at boundaries before, this will need a different set of boundaries and they may need renegotiating, both at the beginning and at various other times as things change – if either a friendship or a relationship blossoms. 'The important thing,' says Dr Blumenthal, 'is to be fully cognisant of where the original relationship came from. A lot of sex work is about an illusion – that the client is the only one, that maybe they're loved by the sex worker. Here, exposing the relationship to the outside world may be problematic if you deny where it's stemmed from.' All relationships, whether platonic or romantic, start with a bit of illusion and projection, and what makes them succeed is communication, with the other person but also with oneself. That communication may allow the relationship to grow, or founder. You seem grounded and have established boundaries. If you feel safe with this man then it may not be a bad idea to meet him again in a public place and see if you can develop a new way of being together. Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa's podcast is available here.

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